Category: Anna’s experience

I have publicly shared my own experience to help others either spot potential catfish, and as way of helping those that have already had an experience like this.

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The shocking truth about Tinder! It’s more than just a Hook-Up app!

Dating Apps and Websites-What can you expect?

For those that have never explored the world of online dating it can appear like a cattle market and certain online dating sites seem to hold more Kudos as ‘better’ than others.

After the break up of the relationship with my children’s father and after waiting over 2 years before feeling in a better place to try again with someone new, I thought I’d give online dating a try. I was a single mum with 2 children, the youngest less than 2 years old and I was back at work part time as a teacher, which has a lot more hours than most think.

It seemed like an ideal way to start communicating with the other sex again. It would afford me the opportunity to have 10 minutes here and there  to scan over a few profiles and see if anyone sparked an interest, whilst not investing too much of my valuable free time and limited funds on dates with people I could have nothing in common with (should I magically find someone to go on a date with, being a single mum with 2 kids, 100% of the time the ordinary way that is). This way, I could interact with others myself, or chat with those that messaged me and this phase could last for as short or long as I wanted, dependent on how the banter was flowing and how our interests/views/values/morals matched. This bit was very important to me. I absolutely wanted to know that there was potential longevity through having a fairly lengthy communication period before I took the step to meet someone in person.

I know what I’m like as a person. I haven’t fallen in love many times in my life but, when I do, I fall fast and I fall hard-my relationships have all been long term. I have the opposite of an Attachment Disorder; I get attached to people very quickly-there is nothing I can do about this and it’s not just in romantic situations. New friends too, if I get on with someone, I will do anything I can to help them out. My close friends know they can rely on me. I believe there are some that I don’t know that well that will say the same. I have a strange and overwhelming sense of loyalty to people I’m ‘in a relationship with’. I’ll always give 100%. Do I let this show in romantic relationships from the get go? No, not at all. I would nearly always wait for the other person to show their hand first before I would reciprocate that knowledge.

Having a slightly detached way of getting to know someone in the first instance was good for me. It allowed me to be less attached before taking the next step.

The first dating website I tried was Guardian Soulmates. It seemed to have the most credibility. Each month I tried a new one. I wanted to get a feel of them and the kind of people using them. E Harmony, Match, Elite Singles, I tried them all and very quickly realised that, most of the faces were the same, on every site. A neighbour was also looking to date again so together, we tried a new website attached to Facebook-this one was Zoosk. It was the first website that seemed to make sense. I paid a month subscription and quickly started chatting with some nice guys. A few weeks in and A LOT of cheesy chat-up lines later, someone was pushing to meet up. I have to say I wasn’t feeling it from his pictures, nor his profile really. I’m not a looks person but there has to be ‘something’. Eight weeks later and after laughing a lot over jokes and shared stories I gave myself a kick and said ‘if he makes you laugh that much, it’s got to be worth meeting up’. It was the first date I ever agreed to. A few weeks later, he drove from Sussex to Kent and I met him for lunch. As I walked down the high street, I chanted to myself ‘please let there be a spark’. I walked up behind him as he stood outside our agreed meeting place, tapped him on the shoulder and said ‘Hello Mr P’. He turned around and instantly I knew the spark was there. We talked for over two hours before ordering lunch and it was over two and half years later that we said goodbye due to circumstances beyond our control. We still chat from time to time though.

A year on, I thought it was time to venture into something new. I went straight back to Zoosk. There were some new faces, A LOT of old faces and I quickly had lots of messages. I never went on any dates arranged from that month’s subscription but I am still friends with three guys I got on really well with.

Tinder had just hit my radar. I was hearing mixed reviews. Some said it was a Hook-Up app, others said it had moved past these initial reviews. There were also friends and friends-of-friends that were in long term relationships, or even married, from this website. I decided to take a look. It was easy to set up on my mobile through Facebook. I set some parameters-distance and age then started to swipe. I quickly noticed the same old faces from all the other websites! Also there were people I know that work in the police and friends from FB, and the profiles also showed if you had mutual friends on FB so you could go and ask questions about what they were really like first. The guys I had made friends with from Zoosk were also on there and so was Mr P. There was plenty of space for a decent sized written profile and many people specified what it was they were looking for. Some men with a headless profile picture or poster picture, admitted to being married and only looking for fun. Other profiles stated they were only looking for friendship being new in the area and others that were looking for something more meaningful.

I went back and ensured this too was really clear on my profile.

I didn’t match with many on Tinder. I wasn’t a serial swiper, and very picky about who I swiped right on. I only matched with probably 15/20 people over the period of four months. I stayed chatting with around five of them-the others, the banter wasn’t there or it was very quickly apparent that we had nothing in common. I went on three dates-one was grim. The other two were lovely and I had, as always got to know them for a while before we met in person. I’m still in touch with one. Then I matched with ‘Antony Ray’ my Catfish, BUT, there are some really nice people on Tinder. It gets a bad rap.

The understanding of what a real Hook-Up App is, is very misunderstood. Researching over the last few months I’ve seen some that would count as real ones and pornographic isn’t the word.

I was sacked from my job when I went public with my story to promote my petition. You can sign here . I was told I had “bought the school into disrepute”. The Head Teacher sat there and looked at me in disgust as she said “It said you met on Tinder. It mentioned the word sex”. She was one of those that judged without knowing anything. But don’t take my word for it -read this great article about Tinder by Antonio Borrello, PhD. I couldn’t have said it better myself!

Read his post here

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The Solicitors Regulation Authority (SRA) and the need for reform in today’s society. Is lack of reform enabling abuse?

Strengthening the Solicitors Regulation Authority (SRA) Code of Conduct

19/12/17 by Anna Rowe

Since my Catfishing experience I have been nothing but stunned at the reluctance from those in a position of authority and power to step up to the mark and deal with the individual that abused and exploited us (I am 1 of 11 so far). This relatively unknown behaviour (termed as Catfishing in America) has grown exponentially as technology has made this form of abuse and exploitation as easy as walking into a very over stocked sweet shop.  There is that word again…abuse. Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse. All of these behaviours are things that good, normal and honest people recognise as very wrong.

So when you discover, or experience, having been abused or exploited by a solicitor ‘the profession that is an integral part of our judicial system’ and still seemingly considered by the public as ‘pillars of the community’ you would expect for their regulators to take them to task to retain trust in the profession. Right?

Wrong.

My own and many other peoples’ experiences have shown, that when we alert the SRA to the misconduct of solicitors, and as their CEO Paul Philip claims “there are fundamentally important standards that the public, and I repeat, the public must demand of practicing solicitors, these standards include honesty, integrity and confidentiality” we are dismissed. Why? 

The research began. The findings were quite frankly, horrifying. Here is a report of some of that research.

The current role of the Solicitors Regulation Authority (SRA) with regards to the standards of governing issues of misconduct and whistleblowing.

There is increasing concern that the current regulation governing solicitors is not fit for purpose and that public confidence in the profession is incredibly low. This is due to the overly high tolerance of misconduct towards clients and non-clients. The current code’s criteria is restricted to cover complaints from consumers/clients and third parties/non-clients who are involved with the solicitor only in a professional capacity. It does not cover complaints from third parties/non-clients outside of professional capacity which would cover standards/conduct in private life.

This is particularly worrying as there have been a number of complaints of sexual abuse and other misconduct which are being either ignored or dismissed by the SRA without any investigation. In stark contrast, the police, teachers and MPs have to comply with standards in public life as well as professional. There is no justification for providing a cloak of ‘secrecy’ to lawyers than for any other profession. Just like doctors, lawyers are held in positions of trust – public interest in transparency is arguably just as critical for lawyers, as it is, for other public servants, such as, police and MPs.

Background:

The SRA are an independent arm of the Law Society and a self-regulated body funded through law firms and individual solicitors. A levy is paid which contributes to a ‘compensation fund’ and the salaries of the regulators. Individuals also pay for their ‘practising certificate’ which is admission to the roll (and obligation to abide by the code and principles). The SRA’s perceived role is to regulate the conduct of solicitors through ‘Principles and Code of Conduct’ by way of ‘risks’. The CEO Paul Philip, claims vehemently that: ‘the public must demand high standards of the lawyers they regulate’, as public trust is paramount to the profession.

Issues have arisen as we ‘the public’ attempt to demand these standards. Initial concerns arose from several personal case studies with similar themes (abuse against women) and the dismissal of us, by the SRA, to regulate this misconduct as it occurred in private life or as non-clients. Research into this regulator then revealed a much wider problem as it appears that despite the smoke screen of a Code of Conduct which visualises expectations of the highest standards, the reality is the exact opposite.

Research Findings:

Despite the ‘Code of Conduct’ and ‘Principles’ showing that a solicitor must ‘act with integrity’ and ‘behave in a way that maintains public trust in you ‘and’ your profession’ the SRA have simply dismissed several very serious cases, that revolve around private life/non-client scenarios. There are likely thousands more, as a request to see their version of FOI has uncovered that out of 11294 reports in 2015/16 alone, opened only 5081 investigations. This resulted in only 377 sanctions by the SRA, of which 236 were merely a letter to remind them of the code requirements. A FOI request was made to ascertain which ‘risks’ formed the 377 sanctions and the nature of the 6213 reports that were not investigated at all. They say the information is not available, however a table in the Annual Review shows the top 10 issues of cases. Only 129 cases from 11294 reports were considered ‘serious enough’ for tribunal (Solicitors Disciplinary Tribunal), and only 75 solicitors were struck off. This again shows the abuse of power and knowledge of the law being used to ‘evade reprimand and consequence’ as most cases put forward are cut and dried where the lawyer cannot wriggle out of it with threat of legal action. Other findings on what the SRA consider minor to serious in the report are frightening. A brief look at the public cases from the SDT shows some astounding cases including a solicitor charged, and in prison for attempted murder (notwithstanding he had mental health issues) but was given indefinite suspension (meaning it could be repealed), not even struck off.

Tolerance levels are too high:

The risk assessment methodology shows that a financial fraud of £5000 or less is considered minor, with a serious financial fraud reaching over 100K (catastrophic £500k+). However, the maximum fine for a solicitor found with their hands in the till is £2000. The minor £5k to that one individual which is considered as ‘minor’ to the SRA could be someones life savings. ANY financial fraud is dishonest and should result in severe reprimand. This is not happening. A similar theme is set for other RISKS within the assessment, including the vulnerability of the individual/s affected. Abuse of a woman is not even classified outside of ‘professional capacity’ in the workplace. A recent article by the Law Society Gazette states that Sexual Harassment is rife in the profession but the tolerance or acceptance and expectation of this happening, or the consequence of for instance ‘reporting this to the SRA’ isn’t happening because of the backlash. Abuse of women is not being addressed internally or externally.

What is a Professional?

As highlighted in a recent the Women’s and Equalities committee meeting regarding ‘Sexism and Sexual Harassment’ (10:15am 6/11/17), Public Servants (and those in positions of public trust) should be setting standards of acceptable behaviour for society.

Professionals have ‘expectations of behaviour’ attached the the title. Keith Bartley, Chief Executive of the General Teaching Council, said:

“It is a well-established principle that individuals have a duty to uphold the reputation of their chosen profession, and this is backed by a substantial body of case law.”

Back in 2009 he stated:

“The GTC had heard only two cases of teachers’ misconduct outside school. In one, a teacher had encouraged unsafe sex on a website, and the other had appeared on a porn programme on TV. Both were reprimanded.”

Other Professions’ Codes of Conduct

The Codes of Conduct from other professions show the expected behaviour and responsibilities that come with holding this status. This includes being aware of your behaviour and conduct as a person in the community. The word propriety is used in the codes: ‘conformity to conventionally accepted standards of behaviour or morals’. With the inclusion of things like appropriate behaviour on Social Media, other professions are up to date with the modern day politics. Only a few months back the SRA announced that:

‘Specifically, we have warned that online comments posted in a personal capacity and which might be deemed offensive or inappropriate could be classed as misconduct if the poster can be identified as a solicitor.’

There are several other profession’s regulators that demand the same standards of their members in a professional and personal/private life capacity: Police, Doctors, Teachers, Surveyors and many more.

Honesty and Integrity are qualities a person ‘has’ not something they ‘do’ merely in their professional capacity.

A legal ‘doctors’ defence service’ website states that:

‘Members of the public expect medical doctors to be honest in both their public and private life. The public still holds doctors in high regard, with the majority of doctors being given due respect for their contributions to the welfare of society.’ The General Medical Council (GMC) – the regulator of doctors – will take action against those doctors who do not conduct themselves with the utmost probity, integrity, and honesty. Doctors who admit or are found guilty of dishonest conduct will almost certainly be found to have committed professional misconduct.

As members of a profession that are administrators of the law, solicitors should in essence be held more accountable for these expected qualities and behaviours yet the SRA as regulators do not seem able to recognise the detrimental effect that their lack of regulation and ‘standards of behaviour’ are having on society and public trust in the profession as a whole. Including the abuse of women.

Lawyers are held ‘in a position of trust’ by the wider public audience, not just consumers, and need to be so for confidence in them as a profession and administrators of justice. The legal profession cannot be seen to operate as an ‘elite club’ with no accountability and beyond public scrutiny. However, this is precisely the view that concern the public (my petition link is here) and the current SRA regime is eroding public confidence and integrity in the system.

The SRA are accountable to Parliament through the Law Society and, in order to ensure greater transparency and restore public confidence, it would be timely for Parliament to review and strengthen the SRA’s role in relation to broadening their functions, so that i) The SRA afford greater protection to the public by ensuring that complaints from third parties are taken seriously and investigated and ii) They revise the Code of Conduct to encompass standards in public life, similar to that of other professions.

Anyone that is interested in viewing the research findings can email me for further information.

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Addressing Misconceptions and making new friends!

I came across CJ Grace’s blog (@cjgraceauthor )  Anna Rowe’s Anti-Catfishing Petition Misguided, and disagreed with some of her assumptions, so I contacted her to explain my point of view. We began a dialogue together and CJ, the author of Adulterer’s Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not, invited me to post this guest blog on her website adultererswife.com. Here it is:

Thanks to CJ for publishing this 🙂

With my campaign push for regulating this industry to help make things safer, you can read my research on regulation here, and the backing of organisations like YOTI (@getyoti), Get Safe Online, Women’s Aid, Change UK and Kent Law Clinic (and others), we can start to make a difference to others affected by this behaviour.

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Just a bit of fun or sexual abuse? Why some Catfish are cowardly and clever sexual abusers.

On Friday when you are 15 years and 364 days old, you are covered by grooming legislation as a child. On Saturday (according to some police) you have nothing to protect you against these abusers.

I’ve been reading in horror, about all of these sexual abuse cases. The news, press and Social Media are full of all these horrific experiences that women, men (and children) have been through. The sad truth tho, is that the National Crime Agency (NCA) have statistics that claim 85% of reported sexual abuse cases show women as the victims.

Quite rightly, any act of sexual grooming and abuse against a child is legislated against BUT far too much still needs to be done for the upholders of the law to actually act on the appropriate legislation and stop failing these child victims.

So what happens when you reach 16? What legislation is there to protect you when you have been groomed and targeted by an individual or group who wish to exploit you for intimate sexual pictures, or videos or for sex itself?

The majority of the sexual abuse cases we are hearing about have been committed by someone who is known to that/those individuals. Some of the time that person is in a position of power or a position of trust over that individual, an employer or carer maybe. The abuse may be actioned in the work environment or it may be in an ‘off duty situation’.

What happens if a woman goes on a date? She meets the guy online, they chat for a while, have lots in common and then decide to meet. They go out for a meal and the woman wakes up in a room she doesn’t know, having been given a date rape drug. She knows that something is wrong, things have happened and she goes to the police to report that she has been raped. We’ve all heard of ‘Liar’ the acclaimed ITV series and seen how clever and manipulative these men are. We’ve seen the mask they use to convince those around them that they are kind, humble, grounded pillars of the community. The woman is a liar isn’t she? How could anyone ever think this devoted father and hard working individual in a position held of high esteem would ever do something like that?

For the police, there is still a path of legislation. They track the man in the profile and (as with other cases if they decide they will get a win from the prosecution)  he will be questioned and charged.

In February 2016 the NCA delivered a report which highlighted the emerging new threat of sexual offences, initiated through online dating. It can be found here.

The statistic shows the frightening increase in cases over a period of 5 years.  33 offences in 2009, 39 in 2010, 62 in 2011, 79 in 2012, 145 in 2013 and 184 in 2014. More frightening is the fact that when put in context of the amount of cases of sexual assault actually called in, its significance is increased dramatically when only 17% of instances are stated as being reported.

And ultimately, whether invited back immediately or after a period of getting to know each other,  72% of offences were committed at the victim’s or offender’s residence.

Online platforms have proven to provide abusers with easier opportunities than they would ever have had before. However, these sexual offences typically only happen the once per victim. The assault occurs and the offender is found out for what he is. If he gets away with not being reported-the ‘game’ will start again. The grooming, the targeting, the love bombing, the assault.  He will do the same to someone else.

BUT… what if that man is clever? What if he creates an entire fake online identity so that he can’t be found out when his game needs to be concluded? What if he’s not interested in a violent struggle for sex or drugging women who may be unresponsive to his touch? But his need, his addiction, is to be with as many women as he can. His thrill is the different experiences each woman brings. His thrill is knowing that he has deceived those women into believing he wants a ‘real relationship’ with them. His deception gives his game longevity. It gives him control over the other person. ‘He’s a decent guy looking for something long term. He’s not into hook ups, doesn’t want to be one of those guys who uses women to just get laid’.

He carries out his deception. He grooms his targets, he builds the trust, he walks into these women’s lives, their homes. Sex becomes part of that ‘loving’ relationship. He can, under the guise of his deceit, manipulate that women to behave as he wants her to behave.

The relationship is great at first, he is everything to you. The intimate times are passionate and completely in line with the ‘relationship’ you believe you are in, along with any emotion spinning story he has told you to gain empathy and keep you hooked. But then, however many weeks or months later, something goes wrong. He isn’t acting the same anymore, things are becoming strained, he is pulling away and then, as quickly as it started he’s gone.

You then discover he doesn’t exist. You discover this man has been doing the same thing for a long time. He has been doing the same thing to several other women at the same time as you. He was constantly online grooming for his next targets, as this is all part of the thrill he so loves.

He was never in the ‘relationships’ he just wanted an easy way to get sex. No struggle, no drugs, but a ‘bank’ of women who gave him that ‘honeymoon period’ adoration and a familiar homely environment to use and abuse them until he had the next lot hooked and in place to renew his thrill seeking.

What about that man? That man is a Catfish.

His mens rea, is proven by the  premeditated act of creating a fake identity to deceive and groom women without (he hopes) being discovered.  He never divulges his real identity or his true intent to his targets.

His actus reus, his voluntary act that is in itself wrongful or leads to a wrongful result is proved as he comes off line to pursue the ‘relationship/abuse’ he groomed women for. This was his intent and this was his action.

The women they groom mean nothing to them. They are merely a vessel for  sexual gratification and thrill of power and control.

By the time it is too late, the abuser has gone.  You can’t trace who he really is, this man who manipulated and deceived and used and abused you. The man who online, still has his fake social media, but  now doesn’t reply to any of the emails, the Skype calls, or the texts or phone-calls and unless like me you get lucky, you won’t ever find who they really are for any sort of closure.

Thousands of women (and some men) are being abused in this way every year. I am one of 11 so far for this 1 man. We hadn’t even realised what he was. It was only when we talked and pieced puzzles pieces together, the enormity of his deceit became visible. But we did all this between us. Not the police.

Like other sexual abuse initiated online, the police are aware and more so, that only a fraction of the cases of this nature are being reported. This Catfish behaviour adds an extra layer of humiliation and distress to the already understood abuse, for the victim.

BUT the police won’t prosecute this clever and cowardly Catfish for his sexual abuse. They say no legislation exists.

So when, on your 16th birthday, in the eyes of the law you become an adult, these men who were called ‘child groomers’ yesterday when they exhibited this exact behaviour, can now do this with no consequence.

Just a bit of fun or abusing women for sex?

More about hoped for legislation in a later blog.

 

 

 

 

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What a surprise!

The second part of my story started with the need to make something positive out of such a horrid situation.

The main motivation, after being told that nothing could be done to prosecute this man, was to try and ensure that this didn’t happen to other people. I had been through hell and back emotionally and the risks he had put my health at through his deception were horrifying.

It was now that I decided to attempt to get the law changed. I had been asked to think about doing some press before this (as my ‘Catfish’ had such a prominent job) but I didn’t want to. However, thoughts turning to starting a petition meant that the press was a great way to kick start that and make it public. Telling my story was a way to promote the petition.

It all started in my local paper… Kent Messenger and the journalist Alex Claridge.

So on the 23rd February 2017, KM printed my story in their local papers and online. I also did a video for them outlining my goals and aims with the petition and why I was so passionate about seeing this through.

By that evening, my story was in every National Newspaper, including ‘The Guardian’, the ‘The Times’ and BBC news.

Someones clever little software programme told me that by May, my story had been published in various forms over 750 times globally. I could never have imagined my story, could get shared so far, but it did and what a journey it started.