Category: Main Information

This section houses the bulk of information about the behaviours of catfish and online dating fraud.

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Quick Lessons – Reverse Image Search

Reverse Image Searches

This profile is fake. It’s easy to do a reverse image search which sometimes shows you who the real pictures belong to.

Not every picture on the profile may give results so it’s best to try a few.
These pictures show the process to discover who the pictures have been stolen from.
Reverse image search apps and platforms include:
Yandex
Google image search
Tineye
Bing
If you don’t get results from one then try another. The platforms use different search parameters for the images
                 
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Quick Lessons – Financial Scammer Catfish Red Flags

Financial Scammer Catfish

Red Flags
  1. They don’t want to voice call as you will hear their accent and bad English. There are exceptions and these are French speaking Africans from the Ivory Coast. They pose as Europeans and also use the children to talk to victims.
  2. They don’t want to video call. There are exceptions and this will usually be a recorded video which they have stolen with the pictures. They will play it to the camera and claim bad internet connection when they can’t answer questions.
  3. English will be poor and broken. You will see mistakes in grammar and sentence structure. It will seem ‘off’.
  4. All scammers have a sob story. This gives them opportunity to gain your sympathy and build a bond. They will also have many troubles they need your help with.
  5. They will often claim to be military, doctors or some other trust worthy profession. They will also claim to be working out of their home country. Key words on profiles will be honest, trustworthy, loyal, caring, looking for love, widowed, divorced, God fearing.
  6. Photos may have been photoshopped to hold your name as ‘proof’ it’s them. Also, but not always, the photos they have stolen may appear in reverse image searches. There are lots of free apps or platforms to do this. Google image search and Yandex are some of the best.
  7. After building your trust, they will test the water by asking for either a small sum of money or i tunes cards etc. Larger sums of money can follow as well as requesting phones and SIM cards.

 

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Quick Lessons – Types of Catfish

Types of Catfish

Financial
-Romance fraud. The most common tactic of financial scammers. Creating an online romance for the purpose of extorting money.
-Sextortion. Creating an online romance to extort intimate images or videos for the purpose of blackmailing the victim. These images can also be used to trick other victims into sharing their own.
-Marriage fraud. Initiated online through social media and/or dating platforms. These scammers look for the biggest end game of marriage, visas, and every other benefit that comes with it.
Personal
-Some catfish have terrible self esteem issues and find it easier to communicate with others though a fake identity.
-Revenge by tricking an ex or someone they hold a grudge against into a relationship to cause hurt and embarrassment.
-Jokes. This can seem like a good joke but can have dire consequences.
-Cybersex. Some men who would ordinarily be voyeurs in public places, choose to engage in collecting images from victims online by creating trust and the exploiting them. No money is involved here, just sexual gratification for the perpetrator and humiliation for the victim.
-Offline Personal Catfish initiate the relationship online, creating trust and then come offline to meet in person, continuing the deception through their fake identity.
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Online Abuses Survey (UK)

If you or anyone you know has been affected by Online Abuse, please complete this comprehensive survey to help with research for our report to Government on this issue. Each section takes approximately 3-5 minutes and has 10 quick questions. Not all surveys need to be completed. Please share!

Please access the survey here

 

 

 

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How the hell did this happen to me? How ‘Adult Grooming’ works.

The most unexpected part of sharing your story, a story which has been soul destroying, bewildering, humiliating (these are just touching on the adjectives to describe how I felt)  is the reaction from others. Some just don’t get it.

Mixed reactions from friends, family, work colleagues, all who know you and the type of person you are. People who may or may not, have the capacity to understand that they cannot judge what they haven’t experienced first hand.

Trying to explain to them what happened when you’re not really sure yourself. Still fighting with the voices of your own judgement and trust, as the truth becomes clear, and you’re left with this crazy spinning question…How the hell did this happen to me?

It was the counsellor I was seeing, after I discovered the initial catalogue of lies, that explained to me about the behaviours of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths. She knew quickly my personality type was to research things to understand, in order to accept. She sent me off with homework to research further these personality ‘disorders’. This was the start of my awakening. It was my saving in respect that it made clear how I ( I’m not stupid, naive or a bimbo) had fallen prey to our Catfish.

I had been groomed. It doesn’t just happen to children.

How do we know that these groomers (not those using the same behaviour through scripts for financial fraud)  are of these personality types?  Even tiny amounts of research come back with the answers:

  • these individuals feel entitled
  • they do not have conscience or empathy
  • they are incredibly convincing liars and manipulators
  • they show no normal markers for lying
  • they can cry on demand to make stories more convincing
  • they are naturally charming
  • they use mirroring to build trust
  • they need constant new supply to satisfy their addictions (online platforms make targets easily accessible)
  • they only choose targets that show qualities that they themselves lack for 2 reasons (many good, kind individuals are empathetic to others and ‘to learn responses’ from good morals, ethics and kind behaviour)

These groomers are not men/women seeking an affair from a tired relationship or marriage. There will never be ‘just one woman/man’ that they are seeking comfort or excitement from. These individuals are premeditated and meticulous in their approach. They are constantly grooming multiple targets at any one time. They need a constant new supply as at some point, they will tire of, or exhaust the relationship or the mask will have slipped and they get exposed.

Many people won’t even know they have rubbed shoulders with one. The lesson? Don’t judge the victims.

Ann Silver MA describes in this simple and succinct blog-how to spot one of these individuals.

‘How to spot a sociopathic liar’ by Ann Silvers MA

Creating elaborate lies for their own gain with no care about who gets hurt is a hallmark of sociopathic lying. Sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars.

Sociopaths lie without conscience.

That means that they can look you right in the eye and lie to you and not show the usual markers that would give them away.

It also means that they don’t care about collateral damage.

They get their mind set on a goal and they will make up whatever they need to in their attempts to achieve their goal. It doesn’t matter what the consequences are to others as a result of their lies. It doesn’t matter if other adults get hurt and it doesn’t matter if children get hurt. It doesn’t even matter if their own children get hurt.

What is a sociopath?

(Note: I see sociopath and psychopath as the same thing. So, the answer to the question, “What is a psychopath?” is the same as the answer to the question, “What is a sociopath?”)

One way to define sociopath: Sociopaths are parasites.

Like other parasitic creatures, sociopaths need a “host” for survival. They are on the lookout for strong, healthy hosts. When they find a suitable host, they latch on, and aren’t satisfied until they have sucked the life out of the person who has had the misfortune of becoming their target.

When we think of sociopathic people, we most often think of those that kill. But sociopathy can be put on a continuum from zero to Jodi Arias. On this continuum, everyone past the half-way mark is going to cause problems for people who come in contact with them. As you move along the continuum of sociopathic behavior, the perpetrators become more and more destructive.

Some sociopaths (such as Jodi Arias or Scott Peterson) physically kill their targets. Others kill their psyches, financial health, self-esteem, reputation, ability to have another relationship, or their spirits.

The diagnostic manual used by mental health professionals uses the term Antisocial Personality Disorder to designate a pattern of attitudes and behaviors we commonly call psychopathy or sociopathy.

Being without conscience and enjoying lying are two key elements of sociopathic personality. These elements go hand in hand in that sociopaths’ lack of conscience means that they can lie without showing the normal markers of lying. That’s how they pull people into believing their lies and get away with as much as they get away with. They are so practiced at lying that they respond to being caught in a lie by creating a new lie. It is very difficult to pin them down. Their lies tend to be complex and detailed.

Education is protection

According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, 4% of the population is sociopathic. That is 1 in 25.

We bump up against sociopathic people in our neighborhoods, workplaces, and grocery stores. Those of us who are particularly unlucky partner with one or have one in the family.

To protect yourself and people you care about, it’s worthwhile studying these people and learning what to watch out for.

The characteristics of sociopathic lying

Some of the sociopath characteristics make it extra easy for them to get away with their lies.

Sociopathic liars:

    • lie without conscience
    • don’t show the normal markers of lying
    • don’t care about collateral damage
    • are very practiced manipulators
    • make up new lies as cover stories if old lies are exposed

Sociopaths can:

    • be very charming
    • bring up crocodile tears (fake tears they can conjure up at opportune times)
    • extract people’s sympathy
    • use detail in their lies to be convincing

Why do they do it?

People so often grapple with “Why?” Why do they do it? Why would anyone make up such a lie?”

When they can’t see a good “why” answer, they often conclude “It makes no sense for them to lie about this, therefore it must be true.”

I’ll tell you why. It’s a simple answer really.

Sociopaths lie because they perceive some gain from the lie.

The gain to the liar may be:

    • control,
    • power,
    • prestige,
    • glory,
    • money,
    • winning an argument,
    • punishing someone they see as an adversary,
    • getting someone out of their way,
    • undermining the credibility of someone who could expose their lies,
    • notoriety,
    • an ego boost,
    • demeaning or humiliating others,
    • an opportunity to practice their lying skills,
    • enjoyment from pulling the wool over people’s eyes,
    • sympathy,
    • protecting their previous lies,
    • creating an illusion of who they are, or
    • getting something they want.

Remember, sociopathic liars don’t have a pesky conscience to hold them back and they don’t care about collateral damage. All they care about is their self-centered gain.

Sociopaths abuse their romantic partners.

Not all abusive people are sociopaths, but all sociopaths are abusive.

Read here about Love Bombing Part 1

Read here about Love Bombing Part 2

 

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Regulation and the Dating Industry. What’s out there?

In the rapid growing industry of online dating, concerns should also be growing over the lack of regulation for the entire industry. The worries published about the lack of responsibility taken by the companies in this industry have been inking the press for years yet nothing seems to have been done?

As part of my campaign moving forward, my goal is to get legal regulation (not self regulation) for all current and future dating platforms to truly protect the users. This should include non-UK based companies legally obliged to comply with our laws if operating a service within our country (even if parts of that service are processed outside the UK). What industry specific regulation is there?

First, I needed to work out what regulation if any was actually in place at the moment.

Here is what I found.

There are 3 general cross industry laws that apply to all companies. These are:

These apply to the dating companies too. However, the ODA claim they decided to take a closer look and define these for their industry:

The Online Dating Association is an organisation founded by 13 leading ‘players’ (all voluntary). They claim to want to take responsibility for the ONLINE dating sector to protect consumers. Members that follow their ‘ODA Code’ of Conduct can display the ODA logo on their dating platform.

The ODA states:

The Online Dating Association Code of Practice (“ODA Code”) is binding on members of the Association. It sets out what is expected of members under a series of key headings:

  •   General Rules (unregulated)
  •   Honest and clear communications (Marketing and Advertising)
  •   Protection of the user (software used for money fraud scammers, operating internationally in the main, like Scamalytics)
  •   Delivering to meet user needs (Consumer Rights)
  •   Protecting data and privacy (Data Protection)

‘The feeling within the sector in the last few years was that it was time we took some collective responsibility for our market and our users as well as exercising responsibility as individual service providers.

In summer 2013 a group of dating site providers took and acted on the advice that this is a market where players should not rely solely on the framework of privacy, data and consumer law to protect the market and those in it.

The law and regulations applicable to the sector clearly matter and should be respected. But laws and regulations have to deal with the generality of industries and businesses to which they apply and our statutory regulators are often thinly stretched and not able to do much other than react to consumer harms.

We, like other sectors, saw the need to give regulations “life” and to draw out, highlight and give meaning to those that particularly matter for online daters. The ODA aims to pre-empt and prevent problems by testing members against our Code of Practice before they can come into membership – and afterwards.’

They go on to state that:

‘Our Code of Practice and our advice for the public on the best and safe use of services was published in December 2013. The Code is short, simple and outcomes-based. It focuses on the core issues for users: the clarity and honesty of the services offered, the protection of user’s personal information, the proper operation of services and the advice and help we give users to make dating as enjoyable and safe as possible.’

Isn’t this simply the current ‘must have’ legal regulation across all industries with some ‘advice tips’ thrown in?

Back in 2013 when the ODA was founded it claimed that:

The Code which will help ensure compliance to existing laws and regulations and it will set the bar higher.  It will be anchored in a set of principles, with supporting rules and guidance:

* Being honest and clear in what you offer (Advertising)
* Meeting expectations and deliver what you promise (Consumer)
* Protecting people’s data and their privacy (Data)
* Protecting our users from harm, deception and loss

So here too, the first 3 standards are ‘general industry’ regulations.

But the 4th claims protection from harm, deception and loss. The ODA haven’t replied to my email on which ‘regulation’ this actually is, other than mere ‘advice for dating safely online‘ and what consequences are in place to the members who don’t comply? A news article on How to stay safe when online dating gives 6 key points of how to stay safe but the DateGreat:DateSafe link is broken.

All I can do is find this in their code. The part of the code that details this is here:

Section 3. Protection of the User (these sub clauses are pertinent to fake profiles)

3.4 ODA Members must have policies and arrangements to prevent misuse or inappropriate use of their services.

3.5 ODA Members must ensure all User profiles are checked and that appropriate arrangements exist to detect fraudulent or misleading Profiles and inappropriate content and to remove any such Profiles from the site as soon as possible.

3.6 ODA Members must not themselves create fake Profiles or knowingly allow Users or any other party to create and post fake Profiles. If ODA Members create Profiles for testing or other administrative purposes this should be done in ways that ensure Users are in no doubt over the nature of such Profiles.

I thought I would test out a company affiliated with the ODA and it’s ‘ODA Code’- Match.com

I decided to set up a fak(ish) profile. What hurdles would I come across? What verification was there in place to ensure the information I was giving them was correct? (3.4 & 3.5)

The results. I used a rarely used email of mine from years ago that required no verification. I used the name Lisa, I copied and pasted a photo from the internet and used that as the profile picture. I waited while the 15 minutes passed for the photo to be verified, mean while I ticked the boxes they wanted about my preferences and hair colour and length. Obviously more important than if I was actually real, married or a convicted rapist. Before the photo had even passed the process I was able to browse the online sea of faces. I clicked the email about activating my account and BINGO! complete. It’s that easy. 2 minutes later the email arrived to say the photo had been verified. Fak(ish) profile success (I then suspended the account).

What did Match.com do that followed the rules and ‘high standards’ set out by the ODA? Nothing. In fact recent research revealed that Match.com came joint second for crimes probed by Durham constabulary between 2011 and 2016.

Their response to my query,  regarding these principles is that it isn’t their responsibility because they state in their T&C’s that the user must provide accurate information. They simply store that information correctly and accurately.

Match also featured heavily in the recent Channel 5 documentary ‘Murder on the Internet’ An almost identical response was received by them from Match when questioned.

So, I’m a rapist who wants to groom and abuse women using their Website as my sweetshop. I can fill in anything I like on that profile. NOTHING is checked. What a great way to exploit women. The sad facts are that although this does happen to men too, statistics show that women are exploited at a ratio of approximately 80:20 the police say sexual abuse cases are more 85:15.

Just recently the dating website secondwife.com has been publicised in the Daily Mail  and has made headlines as it blatantly flouts U.K. law promoting bigamy. What is being done to stop this? Nothing. The man who runs the website set this up in Dubai where Sharia Law exists. However, this is being allowed to operate in our country too. Not only does this flout U.K. law but is putting women and girls at risk of abusive and DV relationships and completely undermines the decades of hard work to secure equality for women. This site also claims FULL VERIFICATION -no fake profiles as a feature. HOW exactly?

The police say:

‘Pretty much all other businesses have a regulation / compliance function or some kind of consortium that they have to address if things go wrong. But not the dating sites.

The ODA do encourage good practice and seek to push for good simple alert mechanisms and we are pushing for a cross board date safe kite mark on all sites.

But as you know, the sites operate globally, the rewards are good for the big players and they don’t want to alarm potential customers by swamping the adventure with law enforcement based warnings and jargon.’

Andrew, CE of the ODA did kindly take an hour to chat on the phone with me (after several emails over the months) where I tried to impress the importance of getting better verification in place across the industry. I stressed I realise this is not an overnight issue to be solved and that I wanted knowledge to enable me to put viable suggestions that work for everyone (as they are businesses) to take forward. I came away with the understanding that I would be invited to meet with their members when the occasions occur, but they fell at the first hurdle and no response to my email asking why they didn’t feel it appropriate for the meeting just gone. Mmmmm.

I wonder if the law changed to say that this Industry could be sued for negligence when things go wrong, if a ‘verification process’ would materialise?

Amber Rudd is currently pushing for better security online to help combat  terrorism. Dating websites are a great place to begin the process of radicalisation if the criminals choose to use them on vulnerable people. But why should it stop there? Money fraud aside, women are being exploited by men still in this decade for self gratification and yes the parameters of this exploitation online are vast. Too many of societie’s attitudes are that this behaviour is ok. Why is it ok? It is becoming normalised because the police are choosing not to put forward cases that mean they have to work at it, cases that are not black and white-to keep their stats good. Cases that now involve the use of technology are moving in the right direction with fake profiles and revenge porn and trolling legislation (more still needs to be done as far as the convictions taking place) but the  judicial system is rarely faced with unusual or different cases as the CPS don’t let them, making this appear publicly that this exploitation ok and doable. Moving backwards in equality? Very much.

 

 

 

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How to spot a Catfish-the red flags and warning signs

When we’re wading through the online dating profiles, avoiding all the spammers and lovebots that aim to lure you to another site hoping you’ll subscribe to other services and consequently line scammers pockets…how do you also navigate the overwhelming amount of unknown fake profiles on the dating platforms or social media?

Knowledge is powerful. Being aware that Catfish scams (and individuals) exist is most important. It will put you on guard when you come across anything that is mirroring these types of situations. Read about the types of Financial Scam Catfish and Personal Catfish  in my posts. There are however, common tactics used by most Catfish. You can help get through the minefield by checking out a few red flags:

Who’s photo?
If their profile picture looks staged, like it should be in a catalogue or looks like a model, it probably is. Actors from other countries are also popular choices as they are mainly unknown over here. Run the image through a search engine like ‘Tineye’ or Google reverse image search. Screen grab the image, crop any outside bits off if necessary and then upload it. If it comes back showing the picture on lots of websites, you know it has been used elsewhere and is not a personal photo. Just remember that some fraudsters may be using another person’s social media photo and these won’t necessarily show in a reverse image search. Having only 1 photo is another little flag. If questioned and they respond with  ‘I can only upload onto Whatsapp right now… ‘ be aware. Any military profile pictures should be viewed with caution too. This is one of the most common cover stories for scammers.

Let’s exchange numbers!
They’ll try and move the conversation onto a different platform, usually something like Whatsapp, Kik or Email. This is for a few reasons. Scammers know that anti scam technology software on the sites will likely pick up trends in conversation and shut down the profile. If they move you away they can continue undetected. Other reasons that a personal Catfish will want you off the app, is so they can continue grooming targets without the risk of you catching them. Once you’ve met up or have confirmation they are genuine then you may feel more comfortable to talk to them on another channel. But don’t feel pressured to give them your phone number if you don’t feel ready.

You are so open an honest!
Catfish profiles (or messages sent on Social Media) tend to be very full on, giving away the hopes of the relationship they seek from start to finish. If there is an over use of the words loyal, genuine, trustworthy or ‘God fearing’, looking for a soulmate and someone to marry with the love of children, this should alert you. Genuine profiles are usually fun and only hinting at what you are like and looking for. 

It’s all about you and too good to be true…
If you reply to a message and it’s a Catfish, the chances are you will be ‘love bombed’.  They ask lots of questions about you but don’t give much information in return. They are reading you at this point, taking notes, earning your trust. Often fraudsters will spend time looking at your social media profiles and pictures to get to know you better so it seems like they are your perfect match and you have lots in common. They will fall head over heels for you very quickly and will be very full on from an early stage. This aims to get the other person ‘hooked’ as quickly as possible. It may seem like you’ve found your soulmate and your perfect partner but it’s best to edge on the side of caution. If things seem too good to be true, it’s likely they are!  You may hear phrases like:

‘I can’t believe we’ve been so lucky to find one another…’ Many will tell you they’ve never experienced that level of connection with someone else before.

It may seem like they are genuinely interested in you but it’s best to be a little cautious if they are asking question after question but keeping their own details private. Dating is about getting to know another person – if they’re genuine and have nothing to hide they shouldn’t be afraid to answer your questions. Things should move slowly…

Reverse psychology
Do they over emphasise how honest, loyal and committed they are? If so, this could be a warning they’re a fraudster, as they’re using reverse psychology. This plays a big part in their game. It throws you off guard and has you doubting yourself.

Mine told me how he thought ‘cheaters’ were disgusting (he knew it had happened to me before), he said of a friend who’s boyfriend was caught sending emails to someone else, ‘tell her to get rid of him babe, he’s a baddun’. This all consolidated in my mind (as we sat watching a movie, munching on cashews) that he would never do that to me. Little did I know that as we spoke, he was doing exactly this to his wife and several other women as well.

Money, money, money…
Asking for money will soon follow if they are a scammer. They may be subtle or outright. Cover stories will tell of a difficult time or disaster.  Good people falling on hard times. But anyone asking for money that you haven’t met in person or know well is not someone to be chatting with, however big the disaster. They play on kind people.

Sextortion or Personal Catfish.
Similarly to money, anyone asking for intimate photos, videos (or webcams) before you meet would be considered disrespectful of someone really interested in a proper relationship. This may start with them asking for ‘sexy chat’ but will progress quickly. Although sex was part of the motivation for mine too, he was very different in that he was patient and had read me well, there was never a push on me for anything. He evolved his tactics to suit the target. 

Some are just in this for the thrill of the power, deception and control over someone else whilst playing their games. These are harder to spot BUT… if your gut instinct says something isn’t right then listen!

Not everyone who exhibits the above traits and warning signs is a catfish, but it’s best to be sure.

 Be safe.
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Love Bombing-The Hooking Technique Part 2

How to spot Love Bombing

Here we take a look at the Red Flags associated with Love Bombers. This could be in any relationship (not just Catfish grooming) and are often associated with Psychopaths and Narcissists. Another name for Love Bombing is The Psychopaths love hook.

Early Warning Signs

Spotting the love bomb is both easy, given enough time, and difficult in the short run. There’s more to it than raising an eyebrow if someone sends you flowers after the first date. In fact, that could be a sweet romantic gesture. So how do you know if the guy who has you daydreaming at work, and feeling like a teenager again, is a love bomber?

Adelyn Birch explains: Clues you are being manipulated with love bombing are the intensity and the rapid pace set by the manipulator. It leaves you without time to think or come up for air to think clearly and carefully about who this person really is and what their motives are. When someone declares love for you before they really know you, chances are good there is something wrong.

“I know we’ve just met, but we’re perfect together!”

“I’ve never experienced this before, ever.”

“I can’t believe how lucky we are.”

Manipulative love bombers don’t just walk up and say: “We belong together.” They have to give you evidence that it’s true. That’s why they target the vulnerable. Masquerading as good listeners, the bomber gathers information on your likes, dislikes, insecurities, hopes, and dreams. Before you know it, they’re saying you have so much in common, therefore you must be soul mates.

Love bombers aren’t just confident you belong together for all time; they describe the future in detail, as if it’s a Bollywood screenplay. They use phrases like “We’re going to be so happy together…” and “Someday, when I take you to Europe…” and “I can’t wait for my parents to meet you…” “This is just a difficult phase, we have the rest of our lives together, don’t give up on us…”

I was invited to a family wedding. These are a big deal in Indian families and he said that his mum had suggested it would be a good time for me to meet the rest of the family. That was before he claimed his mum had been diagnosed with cancer which meant our plans would need to be put on hold. Would I wait for him? He said how he didn’t deserve for me to wait but that he couldn’t get through it without me. All part of the control and manipulation.

Notice how all these statements are foregone conclusions, not questions? Love bombers don’t ask; they declare how things will be, with conviction. They don’t sound crazy, because chances are you’ve already shared your hopes and dreams, while they were being such “good listeners.” All they have to do is pretend to be the hero who will make those hopes and dreams come true.

This is how the love bomber tricks you into thinking he is indispensable to your future happiness.

“You’re so perfect, you deserve the best of everything, I don’t deserve you…”

To manipulate you into thinking you’ve just found your soul mate, the love bomber builds you up to an idealised object. They constantly point out all the good traits you possess, and minimise any of the bad. Mention that you’ve gained a few pounds, and the bomber will say how much healthier you look with a little extra weight. Hubby left you? The reply will be he’s blind, stupid, crazy, and you’re the most beautiful woman alive. Complain about the boss who doesn’t give out compliments, the love bomber will say she’s an idiot for not recognising your talent!

The love bomber is there to give you the self-image you wish you had, but lack. You are their project. Text sessions that last for hours, depriving you of sleep; flowers sent to work, with notes extolling your virtues; surprise visits, trips, gifts, all with the same message: “You deserve nothing less!”

Our Catfish didn’t spend money. His story was that of a devoted father of 3 (he is in his real life) with his sons in Private School that he paid for on his own. Despite knowing now ( I didn’t then) that he has a very good job which would command a big salary, he drove around in a very old car, that needed the radiator filling up every morning. He wore a very cheap watch (probably because he often left them at our houses and didn’t want to lose the Rolex) but it backed up his story of not being materialistic, his kids being most important and a grounded and humble guy. I liked this man.

If you feel that you may be in the early phase of a love bombing attack, talk to a friend to get back on a reality track. They can be objective. Stop. Look. Listen.

Stop: Slow things down. Have a talk and say: “I really love everything about you, but let’s slow things down a bit, it’s moving too fast, and I’m a bit scared of that.”

I have texts of me telling him “I’m a bit scared at how close to you I feel already” All the signs were there.

Look: Actions speak louder than words. If his words and actions are not in sync, that’s a big red flag.

Listen: Listen carefully to what he says, and don’t be afraid to challenge the assertions. If he says: “We will be perfect together,” reply: “Well it’s early, but so far, so good.”

Also, remember that love bombers hate to be challenged, and a sarcastic reply to any of your comments above is another warning.

Recovery From Love Bombing

If you are reading this after the event, like me, you can get through it too.

Dr Freeman an expert in psychopathy and narcissism, says that in order to heal, survivors must learn the facts and gain an understanding of what happened to them so they don’t have to suffer “unnecessary blame and confusion over why they are in such intense pain.” She writes that the pain will last much longer if the victims don’t know the facts. You have to know what you are dealing with to move forward.

Add in the Catfish scenario here too and you are faced with not only the backlash and recovery from Love Bombing but the realisation that the person you loved never existed. Catfish don’t want to be found out at any cost, their identities are fake, just like their declarations of love. Finding out all the facts in our situation becomes doubly hard. Find people around  you that have the ability to understand and leave those that judge you behind.

Go No Contact

No contact means just that, none. Block them, and make clear in writing that attempts to contact you by showing up at your home or work will be considered harassment.

You cannot remain “friends” with a love bomber, nor can you leave yourself open to communication. The love bomber will keep trying to exploit your insecurities to get you back, and the cycle will repeat again, and again, and again.

Our Catfish kept all his victims number and emails. He used these to maintain drip feeds of communications.

Reconnect With Family and Friends

Love Bombers and Catfish using this technique, will aim to get you isolated because if you tell people about their behaviour, it will break the spell. 

Early on when we met in person, ‘Antony’ told me…’We don’t need anyone else, just you and me.’ 

Family and friends can’t stand the love bomber, because they see all the changes and want the old you back. You may need to apologise for disappearing, but friends will understand. In fact, coming clean about the devaluations and breakups will make them sympathetic if they are true friends.

Add the whole Catfishing experience, where some may have lost money, or you have been used for sexual gratification on their part and you can imagine how damaging and thoughtless (to someone who already suffers with low self-esteem) it is, when friends, family or even strangers label you with ‘stupid, pathetic, gullible and desperate’.

Imagine a close friend telling you the same story — would you encourage reconciliation, or do everything in your power to keep your friend from going back for more abuse?

Love Bombing is Abuse

The important thing to remember about love bombing is that it is psychological partner abuse. When one person intentionally manipulates and exploits another’s weakness or insecurity, there’s no other word for it. If it is done for a malicious purpose or personal gain at all, it is abuse in its worse form.

Adelyn writes: Romantic love is intense and unstable. Ideally, over time it progresses to long term attachment, which is characterised by feelings of calm and security. This can’t and won’t happen if you are involved with a disordered partner who is devoid of empathy, morals and a conscience. The relationship will never be more than intensity masquerading as intimacy. This results in emotional turmoil and isolation.

The Catfish has only one intension. To groom you, and hook you so they can manipulate and use you.

Final Thoughts and for the TROLLS

On Adelyn’s site she refers to Maria Konnikova, PhD who says about those who wonder how they fell for this, (we know we are educated and savvy).  “I think that anyone, if you press the right buttons in the right way, will end up being emotionally involved and stop thinking rationally. Once you are in that emotional mode of thinking, it doesn’t matter who you are.”

psychopathsandlove.com

 Psychology Today

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Love Bombing-The Hooking Technique Part 1

Love Bombing-what is it?

Psychologists describe this best. There are hundreds of sites that detail this process but two sites (given at the bottom of this post), made me continually stop reading, as they had the ability to evoke so many ‘ahh moments’. I had obviously never heard of ‘Love Bombing’ but now recognise it as a major part of the Catfish grooming technique, whether used by a personal catfish where this process maybe natural to them, or as a script by the financial fraudsters. Most of this content is detailed from these, as they are the experts.

It seems that this term was first spoken about by members of the Unification Church of the United States (sometimes known as “Moonies”). In the 1970s, their founder and leader Sun Myung Moon said:

“Unification Church members are smiling all of the time, even at four in the morning. The man who is full of love must live that way. When you go out witnessing, you can caress the wall and say that it can expect you to witness well and be smiling when you return. What face could better represent love than a smiling face? This is why we talk about love bomb; Moonies have that kind of happy problem.”

Well known cult leaders Jim Jones, Charles Manson, and David Koresh weaponised love bombing, using it to con followers into committing mass suicide and murder. Pimps and gang leaders use love bombing to encourage loyalty and obedience as well.

Some have tried to use it in a positive way and in some respects, research has shown it can be. 

But here we are looking at it in a relationship situation, and more importantly, as part of the grooming technique for Catfish.

How Love Bombing Works

Love bombing is the act applied to influence another person with displays of attention and affection. We’re not just talking about romantic gestures, like flowers or gifts. Love bombing invariably includes lots of romantic conversation, long talks about our future.  It’s the combination of words and actions that makes love bombing so powerful. We can be in touch 24/7.

Love bombing works because humans have a natural need to feel good about ourselves. It’s in our make up. There will always be times when we don’t. Sometimes the reason is situational, brought on by something like the ending of a relationship or job loss. Other times, it can trace back to childhood. Whatever the source, love bombers are experts at detecting low self esteem, and exploiting it. 

Psychologists have described Love Bombers themselves:

The paradox of love bombing is that people who use it aren’t always seeking targets that broadcast insecurity for all to see. On the contrary, the love bomber is also insecure, so to boost their ego, the target must at least seem like a ‘great catch’. Maybe she’s the beautiful woman, who’s lonely because her beauty intimidates people, or he’s the guy with the great career whose wife left him for his best friend, or she’s the hard-nosed businesswoman, who’s avoided marriage and motherhood because her childhood was so traumatic.

On Adelyn Birch’s brilliant site ‘psychopaths and love’   she discusses Dr Rhonda Freeman, a clinical neuropsychologist, who thinks that ‘the high’ the bombers demonstrate can be genuine, they can get intrigued and stimulated. Does this make it feel more genuine to the victim? She continues “Unlike the excitement they have, the grooming component is intentional. It is tailored to set the victim up for future use.”

It isn’t the target’s fault they are love bombed. Love bombers are manipulators who seek and pursue targets. They’re like emotional vampires, because they use attention and affection to build trust, as a means to maintain control, and end up sucking the emotion and joy for life right out of their partners. In fact, “drained” is a common term the victim will use.

I feel it is important always to put  judgements aside. It may seem to the ignorant, that people who get caught  by these individuals are ‘stupid and desperate’. The psychologists confirm that’s a fallacy. Every human being has had a unique life with experiences that shape them as individuals and will ultimately define how they react to every situation they are faced with.

‘No one knows the hidden battles or experiences that people are going through or have been through. Be kind always.’

The cycles always starts with intense courtship and idealisation over a very short period of time. Idealisation is when partners see each other as “meant to be,” or “soul mates.”

Adelyn explains: Love Bombing reinforces power beliefs about ideal love; fosters trust, loyalty, relationship investment and a positive image of the abuser; creates deep bonding and emotional dependence; and sets the stage for disbelief of the manipulators misdeeds when the eventually and inevitably come.

They also make you feel so positive about yourself. My Catfish was the first man that ever managed to break through my self doubt. Others had tried, but it always remained. He managed this in that idealisation phase. It made it all the more devastating when I realised he was a fake.

The Phases of Love Bombing: Idealisation, Devaluation, Discard 

The key to understanding how love bombing differs from romantic courtship is to look at what happens next, after two people are officially a “couple.” If extravagant displays of affection continue indefinitely, if actions match words, and there is no devaluation phase, then it’s probably not love bombing. That much attention might get annoying after a while, but it’s not unhealthy in itself.

This is classic psychological conditioning at play here. Idealisation is the positive reinforcement (you do what I want, and I’ll shower you with love), the devaluation is the negative consequence (you did something wrong, so I’m punishing you).

 Our Catfish, used not contacting me, or only a few words in one text a day as a way of making me feel I had done something wrong, to devalue me and some of the other women too. He had first sent, in the idealisation phase, hundreds and hundreds of messages, never letting me be out of his thoughts or him mine.

These manipulators use devaluation to control romantic partners. No matter how confident they might appear, they lack self-esteem and use others for validation.

Our Catfish seemed to need a constant supply of adoration from different women to feed his ego. New relationships generally give that honeymoon phase. It’s why one night stands weren’t enough for him. He needed the illusion of the longterm meaningful relationship, his phrase when constantly grooming and idealising our relationships.

Devaluation becomes a tool to keep the victim dependent. They tear you down to solidify power over you.

When I gave in and messaged again, to my unanswered messages, he felt more powerful and in control, and when I pushed back or defended myself saying I deserved more than this from him, he felt threatened and would go silent sometimes to make me think I was losing him, or he would beg me not to leave him or give up on us, which made me feel bad.

Most couples involved in this toxic cycle will go through multiple rounds of idealisation and devaluation. Of course the Catfish is never actually in a ‘real relationship’ they are merely using this behaviour and technique to draw you in and control you as a way of getting what they want, so sometimes these phases are all short and not repeated. 
The final phase in the love bombing cycle is the discard, which usually happens for one of three reasons:

1. The devalued partner no longer supplies what attracted the love bomber in the first place. Seeing his partner as exhausted, broke, depressed, or less attractive, the bomber discards her for someone shiny and new.

Our Catfish had several women in place (face to face) at the same time and was still constantly grooming for the next online.

2. The devalued partner gets fed up and starts pushing back, demanding reciprocity for sacrifices or defending boundaries, making it clear she refuses to be manipulated anymore. Feeling exposed, the love bomber discards his non-compliant partner for one who doesn’t yet see behind his mask of phony perfection.

Some of our Catfish’s relationships were short because after the idealisation phase, his lack of ability to see them at weekends or more in the week due to his work situation i.e. as he needed to be seeing other women, became too much. They saw the mask slip when they pushed him on this.

3. The love bomber uses the discard as part of the manipulation, fully planning to reconnect in the future. Think of it like devaluation on steroids. He disappears, sometimes without warning, leaving the victim feeling devastated and confused. Then days, and sometimes months later, he reappears, out of the blue, professing undying love and promising to change. Curiously absent in many cases is an apology. Instead, the return is a test of his power and control, a challenge to see if his discarded partner can be conned into another round of abuse.

No matter how these manipulators do it, the discard comes as a shock. Even for the partner in scenario #2 who pushes back. How could this happen, especially after all the sacrifices to make him happy? Aren’t soul mates supposed to stay together forever, no matter what?

Our catfish did this with us. Whether he got replies or not, every few months he would send messages to all of his past victims to dangle a carrot or test the water, while continuing to see the current victims and grooming for others.

In part 2, how to spot Love Bombing.

Psychology Today can be read here

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Setting up your own profile – the good the bad and precautions to take!

Before you embark on your journey into the online dating scene, there are a few precautions you should take. Some seem blatantly obvious, some less so but whatever the case, it’s got to better, to be informed and safe, than sorry and not safe. Under each numbered point here, I will give a reason for why this is important in Italics!

Until now, I’d never been much of a Social Media junkie. All I had was my Facebook account and that was limited to close friends and family. I barely used it, didn’t have the time or energy to post lots. Everything was set at private except the profile pictures, or so I thought….

1. Ensure your social media is ALL set to private (and only have showing, general info, on your public viewable cover pages). 

My Facebook, as an account was all set to private. I had made sure it was when I set it up years ago. What I had missed over time was, that the likes and groups I followed after this could be seen.

When I started seeing ‘Antony’, he seemed to like so many things that I did. For example, we both had a crazy love of our childhood favourite TV programme ‘The Waltons’. We used to watch old episodes of this when he came to see me. He claimed his sister Liz was named after Elizabeth and was glad his parents hadn’t named him ‘John Boy’ We also discussed our love of ‘Only Fools and Horses’. We seemed to like the same music too. 

When I found his Facebook, being a bit nosey and doing a little check, despite it being private (and he said he didn’t really use his much either) sure enough, there were likes for some of the things I liked too, as well as things he had told me about his work etc… there was even a website for ‘wedding packages’ at an Italian resort. OMG was he really serious when he asked me to marry him! I hadn’t told him I’d found his Facebook account so I was shocked to see this! 

When I discovered that ‘Antony’ wasn’t who he said he was and I got a friend to unfriend me and look at my profile, my likes were clearly showing. He had found me too (he never said either) and I’m 99.9% sure that he had researched and written down things I liked as a method of grooming to make it seem that we were ‘meant to be’ with all the things we liked the same. It wouldn’t have been too hard for him to do this. Over the 3 months before we met in person, he had built trust for me to tell him my surname. My profile picture was the same as one on the dating app and he knew (not my address but) which city I lived in. I’ve never had a big digital footprint. The most I had ever appeared on a ‘google search’ was an electoral roll search for 1 year. 

2. Photos. The worst bit for me. I hate having my photo taken. 

My library of photographs (of me) was about 4. I had one from a year previous and my Facebook profile picture that I had used for 5 years and then the others were silly. One of me in a wheelbarrow as a kid aged 7 (showing I could be a ‘tom boy’ too) and another when I had a horse.

These had to do. I wouldn’t take ‘selfies’ it made me feel sick and there were no others.

Looks wise these weren’t an issue. I haven’t changed looks wise from the ‘adult me’ pictures. They were as good as they were going to get and a fair representation of me. My children were not in the pictures.

What these may have done was give ‘Antony’ the impression I had money. Not the wheelbarrow, the horse. I had actually had to sell my horse when I got my first mortgage and a husband. Couldn’t afford both (should have kept the horse). Later, after the press, 3 of the other women had horses in their profile pictures and/or dogs. There is a famous quote by Immanuel Kant that says “He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.” Was our groomer using the inclusion of our beloved pets in our pictures, as a guide that we love others more than ourselves? Did this make us a better target? (What is really quite disturbing, is that he had this exact quote on his ‘real’ Linked In page when I discovered his true identity. Like many of the other likes of quotes like these, it is all part of his ‘mask’ for his family, friends and colleagues).

I’ve read too that having a photo of you in your house (with a lot of background showing) can help a groomer read you and your situation. Books you read on show behind you can have the same effect as the Facebook likes or Followers/Following list on Instagram. No ID tags with name and work place showing or proudly showing off the sign painted vehicle, advertising your new business or fancy car with your registration showing! Be wary of what you are showing people other than yourself.

Try to have a recent set of photos just for the purpose of this dating profile. That way, no one can track you by doing a reverse image search on your photos which may identify you at your work Christmas party where you are tagged on a friends public social media page (for example). Also, what is the point of starting off with a lie? You are who you are and be proud of it.

3. Choose a suitable profile/user name (if it’s not generated from your Facebook profile-which will not be a fake one set up for this purpose).

Again here, choose a name that you do not use on any other Social Media. That way, a search of that user name will not bring up your profile on any other Social Media search areas, where you could then be open for grooming again (or stalking). Make sure it is appropriate and not too flirty/suggestive if you want to attract the right kind of attention.

4. Word content and ‘selling yourself’.

Most important is DO NOT INCLUDE ANY PERSONAL DETAILS OR INFORMATION. Most sites have an algorithm that prevents you from entering emails, other user names or phone numbers but be sensible and don’t try to cheat it. The same goes here as photos as far as safety. Don’t discuss work places or company names and definitely not details of your children. Be honest about what you like and what you are looking for. Do be realistic and try to avoid cliches. If you are finding this bit tricky, ask a friend to write it with you or for you.

5. Finally.

Do a dummy run on yourself by looking at the profile you have created (or get a friend to). Run the Google image search/TinEye reverse image search on your pictures, take areas of information in your wording and do a search on the internet to see if anything comes back to identify you with your user name or first name if generated by Facebook.  Most people are genuine but there are too many now who are not. Be safe.