Changing the stigma around Romance Fraud.

Romance fraud victims have always been treated with contempt, belittled and held in the opinion of most (including those that should know better) as naive and gullible. The comments stamped out on a keyboard by the general public, towards those brave enough to share their experiences, inevitably have the tone of a bully, lashing out their vitriol towards those who found themselves broken in ways they never knew they could be.

So what it it about this particular fraud that makes those who may not have experienced it, so utterly vile towards those that have? Let’s break it down.

Victims of this fraud have many qualities, being stupid, naive or gullible are not those. There tends to be common trends of qualities yes; kind, empathetic, trustworthy, respectful, generous with heart and feelings and wanting to help others. What incredible qualities these are in a human today and certainly the sort of people you want to have around in your life, no?

So why are these exact qualities used as a way to victim blame and bully those who were targeted and exploited in these frauds, for holding these exact qualities as a natural part of who they are?

Don’t you think the victims do enough victim blaming of themselves?

In addition, there is often a trend of vulnerabilities which can be from past experiences, lack of self worth, culture, education, upbringing and even thinking this could never happen to them. Situational vulnerabilities can also play their part, such as being in a new place or country with no support network around you.

Now let’s turn to the victim blamers.

We have little to no respect for anyone who is willing to judge another without educating themselves about the issue at hand first, but then reading things on social media or in the news for example and just believing that at face value is a poor human trait.

Lack of education is definitely one of the major factors in victim blaming because people really don’t understand the complexities of these frauds. We know this, because having talked to many, many people who started with this attitude, when we start breaking down the fraud, the process, the manipulations, the technology, directing them to the academic research on the language used as well as the backgrounds and past experiences of some of the victims we have been privileged to help, there is silence. Silence is all we need to know, that they really didn’t understand about romance fraud at all. No, it isn’t some stupid sucker who handed over money to someone they didn’t know. Society can learn, just like the victims do. 

Media and those who share stories or advice, in the main, use language which is inherently victim blaming. Headlines will read, 

‘Women gave her life savings to someone she never met when she fell for whirlwind romance.’ 

Instead, the headline should read, 

‘Criminals targeted and exploited victim in a coercive, emotional fraud.’ 

We should be discussing these frauds with language which puts the blame solely with the criminals where it belongs. People don’t fall for crime, they are the victim.

Is it any wonder then, that these frauds are escalating at a rate faster than any other? Reporting is critically low at between 5-14%. The issue here is not just to do with previous lack of action from law enforcement, who battle lack of resources and a budget of just 1% prioritised to a 40% UK crime statistic but as much to do, with ignorant people who display aggressive societally created behaviour towards these victims. This behaviour silences and isolates victims and further empowers the criminals. 

How do we change this?  

We educate as many as we can (victims and society) so that the stigma disappears, awareness and reporting increases and the criminals finally start to take the hit.

People who are victims of these frauds, didn’t know these frauds exist. Every human being is made up of a set of unique DNA and experiences, out of their control. It’s these factors that will ultimately shape whether the fraud works on them or not and to what level.

And to those of you that want to keep blaming victims, remember that blaming others is just to make you feel better about yourself. Or is your disdain at those who were manipulated in this type of fraud actually just to convince yourself that you’re not going to be next?