Tag: catfish

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We crossed paths in a support group. J’s experience of a Catfish.

This email arrived from ‘J’ before Christmas. It had me in tears and her words stayed with me all day. This eloquent and heart felt account of the reality of victims of Catfish tells of the emotion spinning manipulations endured at their hands. Thank you so much for sharing this J. It will help others so much knowing their feelings are not unusual.

I sought first to understand with an open mind, wanting to believe the best in you. Wanting to believe the picture you still paint for me.

But I also read and heard one story after the next, about men and women who have been devastated by online fraudsters.

And the ones about love-bombing catfish, who devise scams for money, really hit hard for me.

Many of those victims I learned from have spent years searching their scammers alias online, as they try to move through the impact their predator had on their lives.

But I simply can’t do this.

I am already exhausted.

There is no justice in a world where you pretend nothing happened, while I wait for you to admit that it did. It’s time to move on for me.

This is my letter of truth. One that I hope will also demonstrate to other men and women who have been through the emotional abuse of being deceived and exploited for someone else’s gain that, just because their offender will not admit what they have done, and just because they believed the lies they were fed, does not mean one has to forever question their reality or live with this alone. We are not losing our minds: gaslighting is a real manipulation that can fool anyone. It can make you distrust your own instincts.

I wish I could just walk away and say I should choose who I let into my life better, but your ruthlessly calculated and deceptive pursuit of me, and effort you go about hiding all of it mean you must start behaving better.

I get that the worldwide web and social media remain poorly regulated, but that doesn’t give me or anyone else permission to find ways to exploit that.

And this is certainly not how I wanted to handle my closure, an honest and fully detailed apology from you would have sufficed while I waited for you to repay me. The fact that you are intelligent enough to operate at the level you already do offers plenty indication and hope you could succeed at other opportunities for scratch, it makes me wonder if you’ve ever heard the saying “an honest days work for an honest days pay”.

I know now there are others like me at varying degrees, who I would never ask to take up the task of being so loud at hand towards you.
It is precisely the attempts to downplay what I tried to confront, convince me I am wrong which brings me to this letter. I am writing factual truths here, and will accept any legal ramifications that would result from what I have said in this letter.

This is not the type of writing someone in the throes of “psychosis” or loss of sanity would create. People don’t just run down their hall and throw up upon learning the truth about their relationship with someone. This is real.

We crossed paths in a support group. Intended to be a safe place for communicating about the moments or events people struggle with in their lives. Now I know support groups have become places for catfish or other fraudsters to take advantage of vulnerability. To hear of someone’s most intimate struggles, while at the same time knowingly inflicting more pain onto them… for money.

There is not one decent excuse for that.

And yet, you have used my struggles as a weapon against me, exploited them as a solid “pray for her” she is crazy out of her mind backstory. But I care more about preventing women from being fed through your grinder, than I do what they think of my sanity. At the end of the day I have helped others avoid being tangled up before they could thank me. Even one beautiful, trusting and caring soul left feeling confused and alone with a smaller bank account is too many.

It was upon learning the version you tell, as to why I was reaching out to women, that I finally realised you are still working harder at keeping these secrets hidden than you are at finding an honest way to rebuild.

Kind, nice people treat others as they would like to be treated. They do not make up having the same interests, or fabricate information about themselves in order to get women to think you are like-minded persons for selfish reasons. They don’t pretend they are unmarried while just returning back from their honeymoon.

You had a preface to your game: do not be resentful or spiteful. Never lie to you. Don’t fight with you and don’t hurt you. Many of the rules were broken from day 1 while you had already waged an undeclared war on my human psyche. But now we talk about repentance and forgiveness because it is convenient. My actions to those I have hurt, who deserved better, is what it means to make things right. Not words.

Before I learned there were others, while my reality was based on your reactions, it was hard to believe my recount of events… of things I heard and felt and saw with my very own eyes. So I’m being serious when I say excuse me in advance if not everyone who reads this has encountered you at this level. But I know what happened to me. And I had to investigate and fight so hard to uncover what I knew was true but was told by you I was inaccurate about. Down to scientific facts.

At best, you made a very premeditated effort to deceive and manipulate a woman capable of offering money to you. At best, you made a joke out of my hopes and dreams and personality. Maybe you thought that a Scarlet letter would shame me from reaching this point. I am not ashamed of being human with emotions, and at the time, a profound naivety that led me where I am.
I like to think you have chosen a temporary deplorable career path. But that doesn’t change the reality that I type this as one of your victims, and there’s no more time left in me for silence. What looks to you as harassment and stalking is a victim desperately searching for answers. Trying to take back their human dignity in knowing that this was never about them.

One of the more harsh and impactful damages that result from being victim of an online romance fraud is this perceived loss in the value of humanity. A sense of isolation, fear, shame and humiliation all at once, in moments where it used to seem intuitive to open up to other people. Now there’s an incessant nagging level of self-doubt…that I will miss some sign of a predator in disguise and my naivety or poor judgement will cause me to regret an introduction to a new face. There’s this need to recover without the closure to begin.

Until today.

But then again maybe God has put it on my heart to stop you from this… and to help others do the same, should they find themselves duped by a con artist who thinks they can do and say anything to exploit what they want in life. – J

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M’s Story of a Romance Scam

It’s always a privilege to be able to publish someone else’s experience of Romance Fraud  on my website. Today, Mike has been brave in sharing his experience of a financial romance scam. Sharing these stories is incredibly important to potentially allow another targets or victims to recognise what they or someone they know are going through too.

I retired and moved to Jacksonville, FL during the summer of 2016.  I didn’t know anyone so I joined a dating site. I was arrogant, naive, gullible, and ignorant of online dating scams.

​I joined Arrangement Finders in hope of meeting a beautiful younger woman who wanted an older man.  Scrolling through the posts, I came upon an extremely beautiful woman with a rather conservative photo.  Her post read that she lived in Starke, FL not far from Jax. Her name was “Luisa Rosario” and had moved to Semmes, AL to live with her “sister”, “Joyce Patterson”.

The scammer was using pictures of Mexican-American glamour model Olga Loera.

We struck up an online relationship and she gave me her email address, RosarioLuisa955@gmail.com. She said she wanted to come to Jax to meet me, but needed my help and asked for money.  Stupidly, I started sending her $50 here and there.  She insisted on Gift Cards as she could not cash a check, etc. We texted everyday and she kept saying she was through with young men and wanted me because I was mature, kind and decent.

​Next, she “moved” to Buffalo, NY with her “uncle”, ‘Omar Velez” and asked me to wire him money via Western Union.  Again, foolishly, I did.  He got her a cell phone with a number from St. John’s, Newfoundland in Canada.  She offered some vague explanations about saving money.

​I once talked with some man claiming to be Omar who lied that he was happy for Luisa and me. I fell deeper into this scam.  We even started proclaiming “love” for one another and made plans to live together in Florida.

​“Luisa” moved in with her girlfriend, “Becca”, sent me a phoney address in Buffalo and showed a phoney New York State driver’s license. “Becca” and I spoke a few times and “Luisa” sent me many “her” photos of a drop dead gorgeous Mexican woman, face shots, sexy poses and even nudes. When I asked why one so stunningly beautiful would want to be with a retired, average guy like me; she lied about my being her soul mate, etc.

​For three years she ran this scam, conning me with lies and deception.  I sent her money along the way and we texted or emailed every day.  Supposedly, she was so broke, she couldn’t afford to get to work, had little or no food and tried guilting me into sending more money saying I was cruel to “let her suffer so.”

I even bought a plane ticket to fly to Buffalo on 6/1/20018 to move into “our apt.” that she had secured with my deposit and rent.  But at the last second, she texted me that “her sister Joyce” was dying in Las Vegas.  Then fake “Luisa” later lied that she had been scammed by the landlord and lost the apt. and all my cash. Another lie.

Eventually, I Reverse Image searched a lovely face shot she had just sent, and was revealed it was Olga Loera, a former Mexican Playmate of The Year and an incredibly beautiful glamour model and celebrity in Los Angeles. Olga and I have texted and she is a real, decent, gorgeous model and mother of two,

Luisa Rosario, who doesn’t exist, used Olga’s photos for three years to lie, steal and Catfish me.  I have confronted whomever is behind the long con, and they admitted it.  You can see “Luisa Rosario” on a fake Facebook page, but it is actually a pic of the lovely Olga on a TV Show from seven years ago.

I have learned so much in the past two weeks, so be careful folks!

Sincerely, M.

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A double shock! When random contacts collide.

My website is a branch of hope for some people seeking help with trying to ascertain if the person they have been chatting to and most often have deep feeling for/fallen in love with,” is real or not.

My first contact is generally someone who has become wary of the person they are talking with and sometimes it’s a family member who can see that their relative is blinded by the story given by the ‘Catfish’ romance scammer.

Recently, I was contacted within the space of two weeks by two separate women from the USA.

Case Study 1

‘S’ emailed first. She told me the experience of her mother, who she knew had been defrauded. She had done so well to find out who the harvested photos belonged to through a reverse image search (and made contact with him to make him aware his pictures were being used for scams) and had also got the scammer himself to show his face on a video call. She had contacted me to ask if there was any way of tracking him further, to find out his real name for police and closure for her mother who had been communicating with this man for over two years. Money had exchanged hands but more so, the part of this that is so often ignored, she was devastated at the loss of the person she loved and the reality that he didn’t really exist.

Meyer William, the ‘middle aged white gentleman from London’, contacted S’s mother through Facebook Messenger. You can see more of his pictures here.

This man has had many of his pictures harvested to be used by scammers.

‘Meyer’ claimed to have moved to Malaysia for work with his son. What has become usual for me to hear, are the sob stories that were told to her mother, the emotional trick used to create empathy with the target to build trust, manipulate them, and finally as a tool to exploit them for money. The background behind the character always has a similar theme:

  • widowed parent/military
  • moved through employment for work to remote/foreign country/deployed abroad military
  • no internet/limited service in remote place/security lock down on internet usage
  • someone is ill/they are ill
  • issue with salary/bank/ID lost/cards lost
  • payments to friends/colleagues until problem sorted
  • need help to get back home 

These are obviously very emotive issues that will have a caring person feeling they need to help-especially after a connection has been made and trust in that person built over a period of time. 

‘S’ sent me the bank details her mother had been making payments to:

Bank: BBVA Compass 
City, state: Bishop, Texas  78343
Account : 6758******
Name: Phillips Acosta
Phone: 4322******
Code: CPASUS44 

Case Study 2

‘M’ emailed asking for help to find out if the man she had been speaking to, was who he said he was.

He had given his name as Antonio Michael Bello. Widowed with a daughter. He was claiming to be from Bristol in the UK with family in the USA. He is using a U.K. mobile number/Sim. Work had taken him to Asia. On attempting to return his bank card had been stolen/corrupt. Issues leaving. Fallen ill. Finally released from Asia then hospitalised on arrival back in the U.K (private bills). This scammer even had video footage of this guy to send. The story fits the similar pattern:

  • widowed parent/military
  • moved through employment for work to remote/foreign country/deployed abroad military
  • no internet/limited service in remote place/security lock down on internet usage
  • someone is ill/they are ill
  • issue with salary/bank/ID lost/cards lost
  • payments to friends/colleagues until problem sorted
  • need help to get back home 

Not coming from this country, unaware of other landscapes, style of houses, cars, details of how our medical system works etc… it can be easy to accept what these scammers are saying as true. However, there is nearly always a turning point when it starts to become clear that not all is as it seems.

This man may not be aware that his photos have been used to scam others. They do not show up on reverse image searches.

Scammers are constantly looking for new images to use as more people become aware of ‘reverse image searches’ and some dating websites have software to match images that have been used in scams previously.

Bank: BB&T BANK
Beneficiary Name: Philip Acosta Construction Company.
Beneficiary Address: 2979 County Road 14D Bishop, Texas 78343-5032
Acc#:1340*********
Routine : 053101121
Bank Address: 121 3rd St Ayden, Greenville/NC 28513-7252

You can imagine my surprise when I was logging this case information, to discover that both of these random women were being scammed  by the same gang. Both sets of bank details were to a beneficiary named Philip(s) Acosta and both were using banks in Bishop, Texas.

Once hooked by one of these scammers, they start the process of not only getting money from the target, but using other targets to make their money ‘lending’ seem real. 

‘M’ was asked to send money (via a secure postal source) to another female ‘V’ in America. She was told  ‘V’ would get the money into an account for transferring. He told her that he knew ‘V’ as he had worked in their family construction company for a while. ‘V’ was an older lady and checked out on Facebook by name and location details from the address given.

It’s most likely that ‘V’ was a victim too and ‘M’s’ money was part of the facade of him using money from a friend to ‘repay’ part of the money lent by ‘V’. Later she might be asked to ‘re-loan’ that money when another sob story is set. 

When they start to feel they are losing their grip on the victim, the scammers will get quite distant and nasty. They will  push buttons, make out it’s the victim fault that things don’t seem to be working out or even make a last push with faked documents such as these probate and wills to prove the ‘inheritence’ they are due. ‘M’ had already come to terms with the fact that Antonio wasn’t real at this point but was playing along:

One thing is certain. Both of these women were at vulnerable times in their lives. One widowed and one just getting a divorce. They were both easy targets for  professional scammers who have the ability to emotionally manipulate others, who have a kind and empathetic nature. You think it could never happen to you? Never be so certain. 

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How the hell did this happen to me? How ‘Adult Grooming’ works.

The most unexpected part of sharing your story, a story which has been soul destroying, bewildering, humiliating (these are just touching on the adjectives to describe how I felt)  is the reaction from others. Some just don’t get it.

Mixed reactions from friends, family, work colleagues, all who know you and the type of person you are. People who may or may not, have the capacity to understand that they cannot judge what they haven’t experienced first hand.

Trying to explain to them what happened when you’re not really sure yourself. Still fighting with the voices of your own judgement and trust, as the truth becomes clear, and you’re left with this crazy spinning question…How the hell did this happen to me?

It was the counsellor I was seeing, after I discovered the initial catalogue of lies, that explained to me about the behaviours of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths. She knew quickly my personality type was to research things to understand, in order to accept. She sent me off with homework to research further these personality ‘disorders’. This was the start of my awakening. It was my saving in respect that it made clear how I ( I’m not stupid, naive or a bimbo) had fallen prey to our Catfish.

I had been groomed. It doesn’t just happen to children.

How do we know that these groomers (not those using the same behaviour through scripts for financial fraud)  are of these personality types?  Even tiny amounts of research come back with the answers:

  • these individuals feel entitled
  • they do not have conscience or empathy
  • they are incredibly convincing liars and manipulators
  • they show no normal markers for lying
  • they can cry on demand to make stories more convincing
  • they are naturally charming
  • they use mirroring to build trust
  • they need constant new supply to satisfy their addictions (online platforms make targets easily accessible)
  • they only choose targets that show qualities that they themselves lack for 2 reasons (many good, kind individuals are empathetic to others and ‘to learn responses’ from good morals, ethics and kind behaviour)

These groomers are not men/women seeking an affair from a tired relationship or marriage. There will never be ‘just one woman/man’ that they are seeking comfort or excitement from. These individuals are premeditated and meticulous in their approach. They are constantly grooming multiple targets at any one time. They need a constant new supply as at some point, they will tire of, or exhaust the relationship or the mask will have slipped and they get exposed.

Many people won’t even know they have rubbed shoulders with one. The lesson? Don’t judge the victims.

Ann Silver MA describes in this simple and succinct blog-how to spot one of these individuals.

‘How to spot a sociopathic liar’ by Ann Silvers MA

Creating elaborate lies for their own gain with no care about who gets hurt is a hallmark of sociopathic lying. Sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars.

Sociopaths lie without conscience.

That means that they can look you right in the eye and lie to you and not show the usual markers that would give them away.

It also means that they don’t care about collateral damage.

They get their mind set on a goal and they will make up whatever they need to in their attempts to achieve their goal. It doesn’t matter what the consequences are to others as a result of their lies. It doesn’t matter if other adults get hurt and it doesn’t matter if children get hurt. It doesn’t even matter if their own children get hurt.

What is a sociopath?

(Note: I see sociopath and psychopath as the same thing. So, the answer to the question, “What is a psychopath?” is the same as the answer to the question, “What is a sociopath?”)

One way to define sociopath: Sociopaths are parasites.

Like other parasitic creatures, sociopaths need a “host” for survival. They are on the lookout for strong, healthy hosts. When they find a suitable host, they latch on, and aren’t satisfied until they have sucked the life out of the person who has had the misfortune of becoming their target.

When we think of sociopathic people, we most often think of those that kill. But sociopathy can be put on a continuum from zero to Jodi Arias. On this continuum, everyone past the half-way mark is going to cause problems for people who come in contact with them. As you move along the continuum of sociopathic behavior, the perpetrators become more and more destructive.

Some sociopaths (such as Jodi Arias or Scott Peterson) physically kill their targets. Others kill their psyches, financial health, self-esteem, reputation, ability to have another relationship, or their spirits.

The diagnostic manual used by mental health professionals uses the term Antisocial Personality Disorder to designate a pattern of attitudes and behaviors we commonly call psychopathy or sociopathy.

Being without conscience and enjoying lying are two key elements of sociopathic personality. These elements go hand in hand in that sociopaths’ lack of conscience means that they can lie without showing the normal markers of lying. That’s how they pull people into believing their lies and get away with as much as they get away with. They are so practiced at lying that they respond to being caught in a lie by creating a new lie. It is very difficult to pin them down. Their lies tend to be complex and detailed.

Education is protection

According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, 4% of the population is sociopathic. That is 1 in 25.

We bump up against sociopathic people in our neighborhoods, workplaces, and grocery stores. Those of us who are particularly unlucky partner with one or have one in the family.

To protect yourself and people you care about, it’s worthwhile studying these people and learning what to watch out for.

The characteristics of sociopathic lying

Some of the sociopath characteristics make it extra easy for them to get away with their lies.

Sociopathic liars:

    • lie without conscience
    • don’t show the normal markers of lying
    • don’t care about collateral damage
    • are very practiced manipulators
    • make up new lies as cover stories if old lies are exposed

Sociopaths can:

    • be very charming
    • bring up crocodile tears (fake tears they can conjure up at opportune times)
    • extract people’s sympathy
    • use detail in their lies to be convincing

Why do they do it?

People so often grapple with “Why?” Why do they do it? Why would anyone make up such a lie?”

When they can’t see a good “why” answer, they often conclude “It makes no sense for them to lie about this, therefore it must be true.”

I’ll tell you why. It’s a simple answer really.

Sociopaths lie because they perceive some gain from the lie.

The gain to the liar may be:

    • control,
    • power,
    • prestige,
    • glory,
    • money,
    • winning an argument,
    • punishing someone they see as an adversary,
    • getting someone out of their way,
    • undermining the credibility of someone who could expose their lies,
    • notoriety,
    • an ego boost,
    • demeaning or humiliating others,
    • an opportunity to practice their lying skills,
    • enjoyment from pulling the wool over people’s eyes,
    • sympathy,
    • protecting their previous lies,
    • creating an illusion of who they are, or
    • getting something they want.

Remember, sociopathic liars don’t have a pesky conscience to hold them back and they don’t care about collateral damage. All they care about is their self-centered gain.

Sociopaths abuse their romantic partners.

Not all abusive people are sociopaths, but all sociopaths are abusive.

Read here about Love Bombing Part 1

Read here about Love Bombing Part 2

 

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The shocking truth about Tinder! It’s more than just a Hook-Up app!

Dating Apps and Websites-What can you expect?

For those that have never explored the world of online dating it can appear like a cattle market and certain online dating sites seem to hold more Kudos as ‘better’ than others.

After the break up of the relationship with my children’s father and after waiting over 2 years before feeling in a better place to try again with someone new, I thought I’d give online dating a try. I was a single mum with 2 children, the youngest less than 2 years old and I was back at work part time as a teacher, which has a lot more hours than most think.

It seemed like an ideal way to start communicating with the other sex again. It would afford me the opportunity to have 10 minutes here and there  to scan over a few profiles and see if anyone sparked an interest, whilst not investing too much of my valuable free time and limited funds on dates with people I could have nothing in common with (should I magically find someone to go on a date with, being a single mum with 2 kids, 100% of the time the ordinary way that is). This way, I could interact with others myself, or chat with those that messaged me and this phase could last for as short or long as I wanted, dependent on how the banter was flowing and how our interests/views/values/morals matched. This bit was very important to me. I absolutely wanted to know that there was potential longevity through having a fairly lengthy communication period before I took the step to meet someone in person.

I know what I’m like as a person. I haven’t fallen in love many times in my life but, when I do, I fall fast and I fall hard-my relationships have all been long term. I have the opposite of an Attachment Disorder; I get attached to people very quickly-there is nothing I can do about this and it’s not just in romantic situations. New friends too, if I get on with someone, I will do anything I can to help them out. My close friends know they can rely on me. I believe there are some that I don’t know that well that will say the same. I have a strange and overwhelming sense of loyalty to people I’m ‘in a relationship with’. I’ll always give 100%. Do I let this show in romantic relationships from the get go? No, not at all. I would nearly always wait for the other person to show their hand first before I would reciprocate that knowledge.

Having a slightly detached way of getting to know someone in the first instance was good for me. It allowed me to be less attached before taking the next step.

The first dating website I tried was Guardian Soulmates. It seemed to have the most credibility. Each month I tried a new one. I wanted to get a feel of them and the kind of people using them. E Harmony, Match, Elite Singles, I tried them all and very quickly realised that, most of the faces were the same, on every site. A neighbour was also looking to date again so together, we tried a new website attached to Facebook-this one was Zoosk. It was the first website that seemed to make sense. I paid a month subscription and quickly started chatting with some nice guys. A few weeks in and A LOT of cheesy chat-up lines later, someone was pushing to meet up. I have to say I wasn’t feeling it from his pictures, nor his profile really. I’m not a looks person but there has to be ‘something’. Eight weeks later and after laughing a lot over jokes and shared stories I gave myself a kick and said ‘if he makes you laugh that much, it’s got to be worth meeting up’. It was the first date I ever agreed to. A few weeks later, he drove from Sussex to Kent and I met him for lunch. As I walked down the high street, I chanted to myself ‘please let there be a spark’. I walked up behind him as he stood outside our agreed meeting place, tapped him on the shoulder and said ‘Hello Mr P’. He turned around and instantly I knew the spark was there. We talked for over two hours before ordering lunch and it was over two and half years later that we said goodbye due to circumstances beyond our control. We still chat from time to time though.

A year on, I thought it was time to venture into something new. I went straight back to Zoosk. There were some new faces, A LOT of old faces and I quickly had lots of messages. I never went on any dates arranged from that month’s subscription but I am still friends with three guys I got on really well with.

Tinder had just hit my radar. I was hearing mixed reviews. Some said it was a Hook-Up app, others said it had moved past these initial reviews. There were also friends and friends-of-friends that were in long term relationships, or even married, from this website. I decided to take a look. It was easy to set up on my mobile through Facebook. I set some parameters-distance and age then started to swipe. I quickly noticed the same old faces from all the other websites! Also there were people I know that work in the police and friends from FB, and the profiles also showed if you had mutual friends on FB so you could go and ask questions about what they were really like first. The guys I had made friends with from Zoosk were also on there and so was Mr P. There was plenty of space for a decent sized written profile and many people specified what it was they were looking for. Some men with a headless profile picture or poster picture, admitted to being married and only looking for fun. Other profiles stated they were only looking for friendship being new in the area and others that were looking for something more meaningful.

I went back and ensured this too was really clear on my profile.

I didn’t match with many on Tinder. I wasn’t a serial swiper, and very picky about who I swiped right on. I only matched with probably 15/20 people over the period of four months. I stayed chatting with around five of them-the others, the banter wasn’t there or it was very quickly apparent that we had nothing in common. I went on three dates-one was grim. The other two were lovely and I had, as always got to know them for a while before we met in person. I’m still in touch with one. Then I matched with ‘Antony Ray’ my Catfish, BUT, there are some really nice people on Tinder. It gets a bad rap.

The understanding of what a real Hook-Up App is, is very misunderstood. Researching over the last few months I’ve seen some that would count as real ones and pornographic isn’t the word.

I was sacked from my job when I went public with my story to promote my petition. You can sign here . I was told I had “bought the school into disrepute”. The Head Teacher sat there and looked at me in disgust as she said “It said you met on Tinder. It mentioned the word sex”. She was one of those that judged without knowing anything. But don’t take my word for it -read this great article about Tinder by Antonio Borrello, PhD. I couldn’t have said it better myself!

Read his post here

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Catfish conviction, this time a women.

This catfish (Adele Rennie), a woman posing as a man this time, groomed, exploited and abused several women targets over a period of 4 years. She used Facebook as well as dating platforms to lure her victims into false relationships, gaining trust and empathy (the family member dying of cancer), to finally exploit the targets for sex chat and sexual images. Posing sometimes as a Dr David Crolla, Dr David Graham or Matthew Mancini, she left her victims feeling anxious and humiliated.

Read the story here

It seems the Solicitors Regulation Authority (SRA) and our Catfishes employer should look to the NHS directors here for advice and training in how to deal with employees like this:

Professor Hazel Boreland, nurse director at NHS Ayrshire & Arran, said: “We were alerted to serious misconduct issues, immediately suspended the individual and conducted a full investigation.

“This individual never returned to NHS Ayrshire & Arran following suspension and we reported our concerns both to Police Scotland and the Nursing and Midwifery Council.”

This article shows her conviction. Judge jailed Rennie for 22 months, made her the subject of a five-year non-harassment order and placed her on the sex -offenders register for 10 years.

Read the conviction/sentencing here

Our catfish displayed this behaviour too. He even went as far as coming off line, pursuing these relationships in full. By that I mean he abused and exploited us for sex in person. But our catfish has walked away unscathed-is this because this type of behaviour from a man is seen historically as acceptable? Just a CAD having a bit of fun? Not to us it wasn’t.

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Addressing Misconceptions and making new friends!

I came across CJ Grace’s blog (@cjgraceauthor )  Anna Rowe’s Anti-Catfishing Petition Misguided, and disagreed with some of her assumptions, so I contacted her to explain my point of view. We began a dialogue together and CJ, the author of Adulterer’s Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not, invited me to post this guest blog on her website adultererswife.com. Here it is:

Thanks to CJ for publishing this 🙂

With my campaign push for regulating this industry to help make things safer, you can read my research on regulation here, and the backing of organisations like YOTI (@getyoti), Get Safe Online, Women’s Aid, Change UK and Kent Law Clinic (and others), we can start to make a difference to others affected by this behaviour.

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Just a bit of fun or sexual abuse? Why some Catfish are cowardly and clever sexual abusers.

On Friday when you are 15 years and 364 days old, you are covered by grooming legislation as a child. On Saturday (according to some police) you have nothing to protect you against these abusers.

I’ve been reading in horror, about all of these sexual abuse cases. The news, press and Social Media are full of all these horrific experiences that women, men (and children) have been through. The sad truth tho, is that the National Crime Agency (NCA) have statistics that claim 85% of reported sexual abuse cases show women as the victims.

Quite rightly, any act of sexual grooming and abuse against a child is legislated against BUT far too much still needs to be done for the upholders of the law to actually act on the appropriate legislation and stop failing these child victims.

So what happens when you reach 16? What legislation is there to protect you when you have been groomed and targeted by an individual or group who wish to exploit you for intimate sexual pictures, or videos or for sex itself?

The majority of the sexual abuse cases we are hearing about have been committed by someone who is known to that/those individuals. Some of the time that person is in a position of power or a position of trust over that individual, an employer or carer maybe. The abuse may be actioned in the work environment or it may be in an ‘off duty situation’.

What happens if a woman goes on a date? She meets the guy online, they chat for a while, have lots in common and then decide to meet. They go out for a meal and the woman wakes up in a room she doesn’t know, having been given a date rape drug. She knows that something is wrong, things have happened and she goes to the police to report that she has been raped. We’ve all heard of ‘Liar’ the acclaimed ITV series and seen how clever and manipulative these men are. We’ve seen the mask they use to convince those around them that they are kind, humble, grounded pillars of the community. The woman is a liar isn’t she? How could anyone ever think this devoted father and hard working individual in a position held of high esteem would ever do something like that?

For the police, there is still a path of legislation. They track the man in the profile and (as with other cases if they decide they will get a win from the prosecution)  he will be questioned and charged.

In February 2016 the NCA delivered a report which highlighted the emerging new threat of sexual offences, initiated through online dating. It can be found here.

The statistic shows the frightening increase in cases over a period of 5 years.  33 offences in 2009, 39 in 2010, 62 in 2011, 79 in 2012, 145 in 2013 and 184 in 2014. More frightening is the fact that when put in context of the amount of cases of sexual assault actually called in, its significance is increased dramatically when only 17% of instances are stated as being reported.

And ultimately, whether invited back immediately or after a period of getting to know each other,  72% of offences were committed at the victim’s or offender’s residence.

Online platforms have proven to provide abusers with easier opportunities than they would ever have had before. However, these sexual offences typically only happen the once per victim. The assault occurs and the offender is found out for what he is. If he gets away with not being reported-the ‘game’ will start again. The grooming, the targeting, the love bombing, the assault.  He will do the same to someone else.

BUT… what if that man is clever? What if he creates an entire fake online identity so that he can’t be found out when his game needs to be concluded? What if he’s not interested in a violent struggle for sex or drugging women who may be unresponsive to his touch? But his need, his addiction, is to be with as many women as he can. His thrill is the different experiences each woman brings. His thrill is knowing that he has deceived those women into believing he wants a ‘real relationship’ with them. His deception gives his game longevity. It gives him control over the other person. ‘He’s a decent guy looking for something long term. He’s not into hook ups, doesn’t want to be one of those guys who uses women to just get laid’.

He carries out his deception. He grooms his targets, he builds the trust, he walks into these women’s lives, their homes. Sex becomes part of that ‘loving’ relationship. He can, under the guise of his deceit, manipulate that women to behave as he wants her to behave.

The relationship is great at first, he is everything to you. The intimate times are passionate and completely in line with the ‘relationship’ you believe you are in, along with any emotion spinning story he has told you to gain empathy and keep you hooked. But then, however many weeks or months later, something goes wrong. He isn’t acting the same anymore, things are becoming strained, he is pulling away and then, as quickly as it started he’s gone.

You then discover he doesn’t exist. You discover this man has been doing the same thing for a long time. He has been doing the same thing to several other women at the same time as you. He was constantly online grooming for his next targets, as this is all part of the thrill he so loves.

He was never in the ‘relationships’ he just wanted an easy way to get sex. No struggle, no drugs, but a ‘bank’ of women who gave him that ‘honeymoon period’ adoration and a familiar homely environment to use and abuse them until he had the next lot hooked and in place to renew his thrill seeking.

What about that man? That man is a Catfish.

His mens rea, is proven by the  premeditated act of creating a fake identity to deceive and groom women without (he hopes) being discovered.  He never divulges his real identity or his true intent to his targets.

His actus reus, his voluntary act that is in itself wrongful or leads to a wrongful result is proved as he comes off line to pursue the ‘relationship/abuse’ he groomed women for. This was his intent and this was his action.

The women they groom mean nothing to them. They are merely a vessel for  sexual gratification and thrill of power and control.

By the time it is too late, the abuser has gone.  You can’t trace who he really is, this man who manipulated and deceived and used and abused you. The man who online, still has his fake social media, but  now doesn’t reply to any of the emails, the Skype calls, or the texts or phone-calls and unless like me you get lucky, you won’t ever find who they really are for any sort of closure.

Thousands of women (and some men) are being abused in this way every year. I am one of 11 so far for this 1 man. We hadn’t even realised what he was. It was only when we talked and pieced puzzles pieces together, the enormity of his deceit became visible. But we did all this between us. Not the police.

Like other sexual abuse initiated online, the police are aware and more so, that only a fraction of the cases of this nature are being reported. This Catfish behaviour adds an extra layer of humiliation and distress to the already understood abuse, for the victim.

BUT the police won’t prosecute this clever and cowardly Catfish for his sexual abuse. They say no legislation exists.

So when, on your 16th birthday, in the eyes of the law you become an adult, these men who were called ‘child groomers’ yesterday when they exhibited this exact behaviour, can now do this with no consequence.

Just a bit of fun or abusing women for sex?

More about hoped for legislation in a later blog.

 

 

 

 

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Regulation and the Dating Industry. What’s out there?

In the rapid growing industry of online dating, concerns should also be growing over the lack of regulation for the entire industry. The worries published about the lack of responsibility taken by the companies in this industry have been inking the press for years yet nothing seems to have been done?

As part of my campaign moving forward, my goal is to get legal regulation (not self regulation) for all current and future dating platforms to truly protect the users. This should include non-UK based companies legally obliged to comply with our laws if operating a service within our country (even if parts of that service are processed outside the UK). What industry specific regulation is there?

First, I needed to work out what regulation if any was actually in place at the moment.

Here is what I found.

There are 3 general cross industry laws that apply to all companies. These are:

These apply to the dating companies too. However, the ODA claim they decided to take a closer look and define these for their industry:

The Online Dating Association is an organisation founded by 13 leading ‘players’ (all voluntary). They claim to want to take responsibility for the ONLINE dating sector to protect consumers. Members that follow their ‘ODA Code’ of Conduct can display the ODA logo on their dating platform.

The ODA states:

The Online Dating Association Code of Practice (“ODA Code”) is binding on members of the Association. It sets out what is expected of members under a series of key headings:

  •   General Rules (unregulated)
  •   Honest and clear communications (Marketing and Advertising)
  •   Protection of the user (software used for money fraud scammers, operating internationally in the main, like Scamalytics)
  •   Delivering to meet user needs (Consumer Rights)
  •   Protecting data and privacy (Data Protection)

‘The feeling within the sector in the last few years was that it was time we took some collective responsibility for our market and our users as well as exercising responsibility as individual service providers.

In summer 2013 a group of dating site providers took and acted on the advice that this is a market where players should not rely solely on the framework of privacy, data and consumer law to protect the market and those in it.

The law and regulations applicable to the sector clearly matter and should be respected. But laws and regulations have to deal with the generality of industries and businesses to which they apply and our statutory regulators are often thinly stretched and not able to do much other than react to consumer harms.

We, like other sectors, saw the need to give regulations “life” and to draw out, highlight and give meaning to those that particularly matter for online daters. The ODA aims to pre-empt and prevent problems by testing members against our Code of Practice before they can come into membership – and afterwards.’

They go on to state that:

‘Our Code of Practice and our advice for the public on the best and safe use of services was published in December 2013. The Code is short, simple and outcomes-based. It focuses on the core issues for users: the clarity and honesty of the services offered, the protection of user’s personal information, the proper operation of services and the advice and help we give users to make dating as enjoyable and safe as possible.’

Isn’t this simply the current ‘must have’ legal regulation across all industries with some ‘advice tips’ thrown in?

Back in 2013 when the ODA was founded it claimed that:

The Code which will help ensure compliance to existing laws and regulations and it will set the bar higher.  It will be anchored in a set of principles, with supporting rules and guidance:

* Being honest and clear in what you offer (Advertising)
* Meeting expectations and deliver what you promise (Consumer)
* Protecting people’s data and their privacy (Data)
* Protecting our users from harm, deception and loss

So here too, the first 3 standards are ‘general industry’ regulations.

But the 4th claims protection from harm, deception and loss. The ODA haven’t replied to my email on which ‘regulation’ this actually is, other than mere ‘advice for dating safely online‘ and what consequences are in place to the members who don’t comply? A news article on How to stay safe when online dating gives 6 key points of how to stay safe but the DateGreat:DateSafe link is broken.

All I can do is find this in their code. The part of the code that details this is here:

Section 3. Protection of the User (these sub clauses are pertinent to fake profiles)

3.4 ODA Members must have policies and arrangements to prevent misuse or inappropriate use of their services.

3.5 ODA Members must ensure all User profiles are checked and that appropriate arrangements exist to detect fraudulent or misleading Profiles and inappropriate content and to remove any such Profiles from the site as soon as possible.

3.6 ODA Members must not themselves create fake Profiles or knowingly allow Users or any other party to create and post fake Profiles. If ODA Members create Profiles for testing or other administrative purposes this should be done in ways that ensure Users are in no doubt over the nature of such Profiles.

I thought I would test out a company affiliated with the ODA and it’s ‘ODA Code’- Match.com

I decided to set up a fak(ish) profile. What hurdles would I come across? What verification was there in place to ensure the information I was giving them was correct? (3.4 & 3.5)

The results. I used a rarely used email of mine from years ago that required no verification. I used the name Lisa, I copied and pasted a photo from the internet and used that as the profile picture. I waited while the 15 minutes passed for the photo to be verified, mean while I ticked the boxes they wanted about my preferences and hair colour and length. Obviously more important than if I was actually real, married or a convicted rapist. Before the photo had even passed the process I was able to browse the online sea of faces. I clicked the email about activating my account and BINGO! complete. It’s that easy. 2 minutes later the email arrived to say the photo had been verified. Fak(ish) profile success (I then suspended the account).

What did Match.com do that followed the rules and ‘high standards’ set out by the ODA? Nothing. In fact recent research revealed that Match.com came joint second for crimes probed by Durham constabulary between 2011 and 2016.

Their response to my query,  regarding these principles is that it isn’t their responsibility because they state in their T&C’s that the user must provide accurate information. They simply store that information correctly and accurately.

Match also featured heavily in the recent Channel 5 documentary ‘Murder on the Internet’ An almost identical response was received by them from Match when questioned.

So, I’m a rapist who wants to groom and abuse women using their Website as my sweetshop. I can fill in anything I like on that profile. NOTHING is checked. What a great way to exploit women. The sad facts are that although this does happen to men too, statistics show that women are exploited at a ratio of approximately 80:20 the police say sexual abuse cases are more 85:15.

Just recently the dating website secondwife.com has been publicised in the Daily Mail  and has made headlines as it blatantly flouts U.K. law promoting bigamy. What is being done to stop this? Nothing. The man who runs the website set this up in Dubai where Sharia Law exists. However, this is being allowed to operate in our country too. Not only does this flout U.K. law but is putting women and girls at risk of abusive and DV relationships and completely undermines the decades of hard work to secure equality for women. This site also claims FULL VERIFICATION -no fake profiles as a feature. HOW exactly?

The police say:

‘Pretty much all other businesses have a regulation / compliance function or some kind of consortium that they have to address if things go wrong. But not the dating sites.

The ODA do encourage good practice and seek to push for good simple alert mechanisms and we are pushing for a cross board date safe kite mark on all sites.

But as you know, the sites operate globally, the rewards are good for the big players and they don’t want to alarm potential customers by swamping the adventure with law enforcement based warnings and jargon.’

Andrew, CE of the ODA did kindly take an hour to chat on the phone with me (after several emails over the months) where I tried to impress the importance of getting better verification in place across the industry. I stressed I realise this is not an overnight issue to be solved and that I wanted knowledge to enable me to put viable suggestions that work for everyone (as they are businesses) to take forward. I came away with the understanding that I would be invited to meet with their members when the occasions occur, but they fell at the first hurdle and no response to my email asking why they didn’t feel it appropriate for the meeting just gone. Mmmmm.

I wonder if the law changed to say that this Industry could be sued for negligence when things go wrong, if a ‘verification process’ would materialise?

Amber Rudd is currently pushing for better security online to help combat  terrorism. Dating websites are a great place to begin the process of radicalisation if the criminals choose to use them on vulnerable people. But why should it stop there? Money fraud aside, women are being exploited by men still in this decade for self gratification and yes the parameters of this exploitation online are vast. Too many of societie’s attitudes are that this behaviour is ok. Why is it ok? It is becoming normalised because the police are choosing not to put forward cases that mean they have to work at it, cases that are not black and white-to keep their stats good. Cases that now involve the use of technology are moving in the right direction with fake profiles and revenge porn and trolling legislation (more still needs to be done as far as the convictions taking place) but the  judicial system is rarely faced with unusual or different cases as the CPS don’t let them, making this appear publicly that this exploitation ok and doable. Moving backwards in equality? Very much.

 

 

 

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How to spot a Catfish-the red flags and warning signs

When we’re wading through the online dating profiles, avoiding all the spammers and lovebots that aim to lure you to another site hoping you’ll subscribe to other services and consequently line scammers pockets…how do you also navigate the overwhelming amount of unknown fake profiles on the dating platforms or social media?

Knowledge is powerful. Being aware that Catfish scams (and individuals) exist is most important. It will put you on guard when you come across anything that is mirroring these types of situations. Read about the types of Financial Scam Catfish and Personal Catfish  in my posts. There are however, common tactics used by most Catfish. You can help get through the minefield by checking out a few red flags:

Who’s photo?
If their profile picture looks staged, like it should be in a catalogue or looks like a model, it probably is. Actors from other countries are also popular choices as they are mainly unknown over here. Run the image through a search engine like ‘Tineye’ or Google reverse image search. Screen grab the image, crop any outside bits off if necessary and then upload it. If it comes back showing the picture on lots of websites, you know it has been used elsewhere and is not a personal photo. Just remember that some fraudsters may be using another person’s social media photo and these won’t necessarily show in a reverse image search. Having only 1 photo is another little flag. If questioned and they respond with  ‘I can only upload onto Whatsapp right now… ‘ be aware. Any military profile pictures should be viewed with caution too. This is one of the most common cover stories for scammers.

Let’s exchange numbers!
They’ll try and move the conversation onto a different platform, usually something like Whatsapp, Kik or Email. This is for a few reasons. Scammers know that anti scam technology software on the sites will likely pick up trends in conversation and shut down the profile. If they move you away they can continue undetected. Other reasons that a personal Catfish will want you off the app, is so they can continue grooming targets without the risk of you catching them. Once you’ve met up or have confirmation they are genuine then you may feel more comfortable to talk to them on another channel. But don’t feel pressured to give them your phone number if you don’t feel ready.

You are so open an honest!
Catfish profiles (or messages sent on Social Media) tend to be very full on, giving away the hopes of the relationship they seek from start to finish. If there is an over use of the words loyal, genuine, trustworthy or ‘God fearing’, looking for a soulmate and someone to marry with the love of children, this should alert you. Genuine profiles are usually fun and only hinting at what you are like and looking for. 

It’s all about you and too good to be true…
If you reply to a message and it’s a Catfish, the chances are you will be ‘love bombed’.  They ask lots of questions about you but don’t give much information in return. They are reading you at this point, taking notes, earning your trust. Often fraudsters will spend time looking at your social media profiles and pictures to get to know you better so it seems like they are your perfect match and you have lots in common. They will fall head over heels for you very quickly and will be very full on from an early stage. This aims to get the other person ‘hooked’ as quickly as possible. It may seem like you’ve found your soulmate and your perfect partner but it’s best to edge on the side of caution. If things seem too good to be true, it’s likely they are!  You may hear phrases like:

‘I can’t believe we’ve been so lucky to find one another…’ Many will tell you they’ve never experienced that level of connection with someone else before.

It may seem like they are genuinely interested in you but it’s best to be a little cautious if they are asking question after question but keeping their own details private. Dating is about getting to know another person – if they’re genuine and have nothing to hide they shouldn’t be afraid to answer your questions. Things should move slowly…

Reverse psychology
Do they over emphasise how honest, loyal and committed they are? If so, this could be a warning they’re a fraudster, as they’re using reverse psychology. This plays a big part in their game. It throws you off guard and has you doubting yourself.

Mine told me how he thought ‘cheaters’ were disgusting (he knew it had happened to me before), he said of a friend who’s boyfriend was caught sending emails to someone else, ‘tell her to get rid of him babe, he’s a baddun’. This all consolidated in my mind (as we sat watching a movie, munching on cashews) that he would never do that to me. Little did I know that as we spoke, he was doing exactly this to his wife and several other women as well.

Money, money, money…
Asking for money will soon follow if they are a scammer. They may be subtle or outright. Cover stories will tell of a difficult time or disaster.  Good people falling on hard times. But anyone asking for money that you haven’t met in person or know well is not someone to be chatting with, however big the disaster. They play on kind people.

Sextortion or Personal Catfish.
Similarly to money, anyone asking for intimate photos, videos (or webcams) before you meet would be considered disrespectful of someone really interested in a proper relationship. This may start with them asking for ‘sexy chat’ but will progress quickly. Although sex was part of the motivation for mine too, he was very different in that he was patient and had read me well, there was never a push on me for anything. He evolved his tactics to suit the target. 

Some are just in this for the thrill of the power, deception and control over someone else whilst playing their games. These are harder to spot BUT… if your gut instinct says something isn’t right then listen!

Not everyone who exhibits the above traits and warning signs is a catfish, but it’s best to be sure.

 Be safe.