I have spent years talking to my children (my daughter in particular) about safety online and more specifically in relation to the dangers of online dating after she split up with her first long term boyfriend and ventured over into the world of ‘Tinder’.

But to be honest I truly thought that I myself was immune from online scammers and predators, I ‘thought’ I could spot them from a mile away….. I WAS WRONG.

I have dipped my toe into the world of online dating a few times on and off over the years, and yes I have on occasions met up with guys who have looked 10 yrs older than their profile photos or have posted on their profiles that they are 6′ and turn out to actually be 5’4″ !! It kind of goes with the territory, but never in a million years did I think that at the age of 47 that I would get groomed, deceived and duped in the way that I did.

The word ‘catfish’ is used more and more in relation to online dating and those who set up fake profiles in order to scam people either for money or for some twisted pleasure.

My groomer was not a ‘catfish’ in the traditional sense; he used his own name (I think) and his own photographs, however that is the only thing about him which was either truthful or real. Absolutely everything else which came from him was lies and was all a part of a very sick controlling game he played which enabled him abuse my sanity, my integrity, my mind, my self worth, my trust, and my body.

I have already named the man who groomed me in my earlier blog – Steve Window, I am 99.9% sure than this is his real name, however when I was getting suspicious about him and put his mobile number into Facebook it connected to a profile in the name of ‘David Peters’ but with no photograph, I suspect that he may have been using additional profiles under that name and maybe others as well, I will never know the truth. The worse part of it was the fact that Steve joked constantly about online scammers and how stupid women were to fall for them, he said “if you can see someone has a linkedin account then you know 100% that they are genuine…” of course he has a linkedin account, but he is far from genuine – he is a narcissistic serial predator and compulsive liar.

In a very short space of time this one man single handedly stripped away my sense of self, he stripped away my integrity and my right to consent – I honestly feel that his deception and coercion took away my rights and my freedom to choose (because I know 100% I would NOT have chosen to have any kind of relationship with him had he rightfully informed me of the truth).

Now without blowing my own trumpet I am a pretty intelligent, grounded, strong and sensible woman! As well as being a former Police Officer. It’s not very often that someone like this would get one over on me, neither would I ever have previously considered myself vulnerable, however this experience has shown me just how vulnerable I actually am and this alone has weakened me greatly as a person. I am empathic, sensitive to other people’s needs, I love deeply and am fiercely protective. I had always prided myself on my honesty, integrity, loyalty, inner strength and fairness towards others.

Previous to this abuse I trusted pretty much everyone at face value until such time as they gave me reason not to, now I trust no one and I honestly feel like I will never be able to trust anyone again, particularly within a relationship.

This is not a man who just dated me with good intentions and it simply didn’t work out – this is a man who deliberately targeted me, meticulously groomed me (at the same time as others) and deceived me into having sex with him, then gained additional gratification in completely messing with my mind & my emotions to devalue me. Internally I am still screaming, but no one can hear me. However know I have to be strong for the sake of my children…and I will be.

The thing is with him is that he is clever; a brilliant academic who has a Masters Degree in studying manifesting & human behaviour within the Maritime domain. He understands psychology in depth and the power of the mind, he knows how to change peoples perceptions in the way that they think and act, he knows exactly the way the mind can be re-programmed quickly. He uses these skills in his coercive control of women and I have to say he uses them well.

I look back now and I cringe, how on earth did I fall for that?…but I did – hook, line and sinker 😢. I have used online dating in the past as I’ve already said, but I have never got into deeply personal conversation prior to meeting a man, and certainly didn’t think it remotely possible that you could fall in love with someone before even meeting them, but with him I did, and I fell quickly. He made sure of that. However what I have subsequently learnt is that the messages that Steve was sending me were not love, but what is referenced as ‘love bombing’ a well known and documented tactical move of narcissists to quickly gain control over you and your emotions.

I honestly had never had such feelings for someone I had never met before, I couldn’t believe that this was happening or even possible – finally I believed I had met the man of my dreams and what’s more I foolishly believed that he felt the same way too. When we sat in a restaurant together enjoying a lavish dinner during our first date, he looked he straight in the eye telling me he had absolutely no doubts that this was all perfect and I totally felt the same way. Little did I know as we sat in the Citizen M Hotel, Rotterdam later that evening, chatting, laughing and being what some would describe as ‘loved up’, Steve was sending photos of his G&T to his next victim with a text saying “warming up for your visit”. Just two weeks later he took her to exactly the same hotel!

I am very much one for taking things slowly and if things don’t feel quite right from either side, one half will finish it – end of story and no harm done.

Part of my abusers mind games was the constant reassurance that the relationship was still perfect and that he was smitten, even though in practice he seemed to be withdrawing from me. His words and actions didn’t mirror one another, if he wanted to end it then he could have done so very easily and that would have been the end of it.(I even gave him the chance to do exactly that…twice). No, that was far too boring for him, the ‘carrot & donkey’ scenario was all part of the coercion & mental control. Just in me having to question ‘are things still OK between us?’ made me also question myself as to whether I was appearing too needy? (Definitely not my usual style, yet something which he clearly thrived on as he would have gained a sense of power over me.

My full story is told in an earlier blog, so I am not going to go over it again, but in just a very very short period of time Steve had totally manipulated my mind, and after he had deliberately strung me along for several more weeks and then ghosted me it triggered all sorts of emotions within. Initially when he vanished after saying he was going on a business trip to Singapore I was worried sick that something bad had happened to him, then came a sense of confusion and non belief; this man who had claimed to have such strong feelings for me, made promises and plans for both our short and long term future together. I felt SO stupid realising that I had been set up in such a way and had blindly walked straight into his trap. I had told my parents all about him over Christmas, told friends I had finally found ‘the one’, booked tickets for him to attend a big awards ceremony with me for which I was a judge and had told several colleagues about the ‘new man’ I was bringing with me. I suddenly could not even face going, my stomach was in knots, I felt physically sick as the reality dawned on me that I had been deliberately targeted, groomed, used and ghosted – as suddenly everything fell into place.

His coercive control left me with debilitating anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts, don’t ask me why, the mind can do funny things. I wasn’t just devastated that a short term relationship had come to an end, it was the reality of being groomed and abused in so many senses. Feeling totally violated & vulnerable, realising I could have potentially put my children at risk, not only of the possibility of either being groomed themselves, but of them becoming motherless if he had infected me with H.I.V (something which I don’t mind admitting I am paranoid about given the fact my brother died of AIDS at 37 and why I am generally over cautious about safe sex) My abuser assured me that sex with him was safe, he told me he was single and not been in another relationship for over a year – and I foolishly believed him.

If you have never suffered with anxiety/panic attacks then this diagram might just come close to trying to describe them: The invisible hippopotamus sitting on your chest was particularly poignant for me, and even now when it hits me, I feel like I can’t breathe.

My life hasn’t always been easy, I was in an physically abusive relationship 21 years ago, and two years ago I had a bad breakdown. I had worked hard at re-building my life TWICE, Steve knew the details of both these low points in my life because I had trusted him enough to share. He knew that I was perhaps ‘fragile’ and yet it did not deter his path of abuse and destruction, in fact looking back he used this to control my emotions even more. He knew that in me learning to love and learning to trust again were big steps, he reassured me that I would be ‘loved, cherished and protected, and that he would never lie to me’. Two years ago I had been on the brink of taking my own life (not relationship related, just one of many many straws breaking the camels back). Forming such a strong bond so quickly with Steve was a huge step in the path of that recovery….but with his deception and grooming now exposed, the walls around me came tumbling down, each and every pore seem to open an old or new wound, and emotionally I crashed. I’m not afraid to say “I was a mess”

One mans grooming triggered so much pain that I cannot even begin to write it in a blog; new hurts & past hurts, I had to re live past trauma and grieve my brothers death all over again…..all of that and so much more.

Thankfully I recognised the signs of where I was this time, I wasn’t going to put myself or my children back to where I was two years ago and hence I immediately sort the help I needed to deal with & recover from falling victim of an online predator (the emotional and physical side of the abuse)

I HATE taking any kind of medication and pills, always have. I wasn’t going to start pumping my body full of anti-depressants and suffering with god knows what side effects as well, but the fog which fell around me was debilitating for several weeks along with the anxiety and panic attacks, inside I was screaming as I felt so humiliated and disgusted with myself that I just wanted to hide from the world. I couldn’t do justice to my work, my family, to life in general. I just wanted to hide from everyone and everything..and for a while I did.

I consider myself lucky, I have the most amazingly supportive family (including my ex-husband!!!) and some truly incredible friends. With their help, with determination & will power and with some exceptional counselling, I pulled myself out of that dark hole.

I loathe the fact he still takes up so much time in my head space though, if I could just press a button and delete it all from my mind I would, if I could turn off the anxiety and sense of worthlessness I now have I would.

Life is very different now, it’s hard to describe; almost as if the rawness of the wound has healed but knowing the scars will always be there. Discovering 5 months after my own ordeal that my abuser was also married at the time and had another victim he went on to abuse immediately afterwards only re-opened some of those wounds yet again. However it also made me determined to ensure that no one else falls victim. My abuser has twice tried to threaten and intimidate me with criminal and civil action for exposing him, his own lawyers comments so dangerous and inappropriate that I reported him to the legal ombudsman, as well as bringing them to the attention of the Police & Crime Commissioner and Victim Commissioner. His lawyers despicable and highly irresponsible comments cast a shadow over himself, his company and the entire legal profession which he represents. It’s truly no wonder with people like that in the legal world that so many victims are too terrified to report abuse to the police and hence too many offences still go unreported, leaving predators completely free to re-offend over and over again.

Am I scared of my abusers intimidation & threats? NO

Am I scared that he will do this again to other women? YES …….(in fact since writing my first blog I have already been informed that he has moved on to yet another woman – this time it’s Jayne in London, who also has an 11 year old son. I’m still trying to work out why he ALWAYS goes for women with young boys??!)

I can’t change what happened to me, but I can hopefully help prevent it happening to other people, so if I go down then I will sure as hell go down fighting. Fighting for justice, fighting for the protection of other women and for the next generation (his children & mine) and fighting for what I know to my core is right.

This experience has changed me. For better or for worse?, I am yet to see long term. I would have hoped to have healed by now…I haven’t 😢. The longer the pain goes on for the deeper I understand how emotionally damaged I was by this man.

Any trust I have within me has been destroyed, BUT… that has taught me to fully embrace myself as a single woman.

It has brought a greater awareness within me that it’s not just children, the naive or vulnerable people that this happens to, it’s anyone. And it’s made me want to fight for the protection and justice of others. If I can prevent just one person from going through what I have by sharing my story then I know something positive has come from this and that it was the right thing to do, no matter how painful.

I no longer felt I could face the world in the public capacity that my job required, I could have just given up and claimed benefits…I didn’t. Instead I decided to take a year out to fully heal and look after myself for a while. I took my son out of school for a year so we could travel the world and spend some quality family together. This trip would never have come to fruition if it wasn’t for my experience of grooming. I am still overly cautious wherever I am, my normally chatty & open self is not interested in engaging strangers and fellow travellers in conversation as I normally would, but I am still working on myself and still healing. I am hoping that given time my barriers may come down again and I may be able to fully embrace the world as we travel it.

For now though, I am cocooned in love and support from family & friends near and far and for that alone I am still truly blessed.

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