Tag: online dating

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So you think you know about Yahoo Boys and Romance Scams? Part 3

When a victim realises what is going on, maybe a friend has broken through the conditioning instilled by the scammer or they have come across other profiles with the same pictures or completed a reverse image search, they will likely confront the scammer.

The scammer will not take this laying down and just go away.

Guilt will be heaped on the victim to start with. ‘How you can you not trust me after everything we’ve been through?’ are words all victims will hear. ‘The scammers have been stealing my pictures for years, I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore, now they’ve taken you too.’

When this doesn’t have effect, they can turn nasty.

  • Sextortion. If intimate images have been extorted (male or female), the blackmail will likely ensue. Blocking their number won’t do anything. scammers have untold amounts of numbers for any country at their disposal from other victims and other scams (more later) and the victim will likely be bombarded. This does depend on the experience of the scammer and the size of the group they are working in.

New identities will randomly start connecting and contacting, threats of posting your pictures online, sending them to family and friends unless money is sent. Never think sending them money will stop them-it will bait them to blackmail you more. The Australian authorities at Scamnet have produced an excellent advice document for incidents where this happens. I send it to victims I talk to all the time. You can read it here. 

Facebook also offer a service for non-consensual sharing of images that have or have threatened to be shared on their platform. You can find their help here.

There are several follow up scams that the scammers will try. Don’t become a repeat victim. These scams are the most popular but by no means the only ones they will try and things evolve constantly.

  • Scam compensation services. A contact will offer compensation to recover lost money  and, or catch the scammer to get justice for their wrongdoing. This maybe headed up by ‘law enforcement’ organisations or ‘private investigation’ style companies. These are also set up as pages on social media. Do not be fooled. These do not exist.
  • Fallen in love. The scammer will sometimes state that they fell in love with you through the scam. They will say it’s never happened  but the connection with you was too strong. They will send their real pictures, finally make that video call, say they wish they could turn back time and start a fresh now that he’s been honest. They have introduced victims to family. Their only aim is to get a visa out of there and more money.
  • Medical emergency. Some victims have had calls with a crying scared ‘family member’ claiming the scammer has tried to commit suicide due to the guilt felt from the scamming. Can you help with hospital costs. Having thought you were in a real relationship with this person and the fact they target kind and empathetic people in the first place, the temptation to believe this can be strong. Don’t.
  • Wife Beater. Some victims have reported that a woman calls saying the scammer is their husband and that she is being beaten, especially after his failure to continue the scam with you. She will say she wants to escape and asks for help to do so.
  • Facing jail. Some victims have reported that the scammer or a friend calls to say they are facing jail. They know they have done wrong but now the family they provide for face poverty because they will not be there. Can you help to pay the police to let them off.
  • Money Mule blackmail threat. Scammers have been known to load the victims bank account with funds after they are caught. they will then threaten to inform the authorities you are a mule, if the money isn’t sent back via Bitcoin or gift cards. Victims panic and sometimes do as the scammers ask.

The suckers list.

Scammers will put your details on a list of people who have been willing to chat, taken money to look after (unknowing money mule) or part with money. You will find the fake accounts keep finding you.

Here are some tips to break the cycle.

  • Change your phone number and email
  • Come off of social media for a few weeks and on return, change your profile pictures to new unknown ones. A name change, (variations etc) where possible and user name change where applicable.
  • Make sure your profiles are completely set to private including past profile pictures and photo albums.

Ensure that you report your fraud to the relevant authority for your country. Although rare, there are occasions where enough evidence is reported for investigations to take place and arrests are made. For you to be inline for any share of money recovered, your name needs to be on that list of victims. Local police are really not interested and too many victims report being laughed at by these officers. It is not ok and shows their ignorance at the sophistication and emotional manipulation that can come with these scams.

Here is a list of web-links to report your fraud in your country. If your country is not here, let me know and I will try and find or for you.

Australia click here

Canada click here

Europe click here

India click here

Malaysia here

Philippines here 

Singapore click here

South Africa click here

United States here

Things can feel really really dark and hopeless after an experience with a scammer.  Facing reality is sometimes too much and many victims can feel suicidal. You are not alone. There is always someone to talk to. It’s important to know that you can come and chat and not be judged or feel ashamed about what has happened to you. The hardest step is acceptance and letting go. The next phase is the fight back. We don’t let them win.

In Part 4,  where your information can be used and other scams of the Yahoo Boys.

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Come and join the pages!

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been absent on here for a while except for answering emails but that doesn’t mean I’ve been absent from continuing my work for this cause.

The website is proving difficult to display all the scammers I am exposing so I’ve been working on other ways to warn others of these on other platforms and they are on every platform…more on that soon.

So, I’ve set up a Facebook Page: @catchthecatfish

An Instagram Page: @catchthecatfish123

You Tube Channel

Twitter also has the videos: @AnnaRowe123

Please come and subscribe to your preferred platform to see daily posts on all things relating to Catfishing, Romance Fraud and other scams.

Kind regards

Anna

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Quick lessons – Good to Go

Good to Go

Can the person you’re talking to tick these boxes?
  • Photos look real and do not show up on a reverse image search. If the photos look too good to be true, they probably are!
  • Happy to make a voice call. A phone call identifies that they are from the country they say they are (and with an accent that matches).
  • Happy to video call and/or meet up in person. Remember if it’s the real person behind the pictures they have nothing to hide.
  • Check identity through an online search. Most people have an online footprint. Be an investigator.
  • Does their story sound ‘normal’ ? If their story sounds ‘off’ or has any red flags such as working abroad/military/has problems occurring which they need help for/asks for money- you need to block.
  • The connection should move along at a normal pace. Does the ‘relationship’ seem to move very fast? Do they tell you they have feelings very quickly? They feel they’ve found a soul mate? It’s another scammer tactic using ‘love bombing’. If every thing else checks out and they still use this final technique then it’s likely a narcissist (steer clear of both!).
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Quick Lessons – Reverse Image Search

Reverse Image Searches

This profile is fake. It’s easy to do a reverse image search which sometimes shows you who the real pictures belong to.

Not every picture on the profile may give results so it’s best to try a few.
These pictures show the process to discover who the pictures have been stolen from.
Reverse image search apps and platforms include:
Yandex
Google image search
Tineye
Bing
If you don’t get results from one then try another. The platforms use different search parameters for the images
                 
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Quick Lessons – Financial Scammer Catfish Red Flags

Financial Scammer Catfish

Red Flags
  1. They don’t want to voice call as you will hear their accent and bad English. There are exceptions and these are French speaking Africans from the Ivory Coast. They pose as Europeans and also use the children to talk to victims.
  2. They don’t want to video call. There are exceptions and this will usually be a recorded video which they have stolen with the pictures. They will play it to the camera and claim bad internet connection when they can’t answer questions.
  3. English will be poor and broken. You will see mistakes in grammar and sentence structure. It will seem ‘off’.
  4. All scammers have a sob story. This gives them opportunity to gain your sympathy and build a bond. They will also have many troubles they need your help with.
  5. They will often claim to be military, doctors or some other trust worthy profession. They will also claim to be working out of their home country. Key words on profiles will be honest, trustworthy, loyal, caring, looking for love, widowed, divorced, God fearing.
  6. Photos may have been photoshopped to hold your name as ‘proof’ it’s them. Also, but not always, the photos they have stolen may appear in reverse image searches. There are lots of free apps or platforms to do this. Google image search and Yandex are some of the best.
  7. After building your trust, they will test the water by asking for either a small sum of money or i tunes cards etc. Larger sums of money can follow as well as requesting phones and SIM cards.

 

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Guest Blog: Romance Fraud and Bigamy

In our guest blog today, Kim Sow explains more about legalities and the ‘Justice’ system after discovering her husband was in fact already married. Kim now runs the ‘Immigration Marriage Fraud Consultancy’ to help others like herself.

One of the little talked about aspects of the dating scams is the rise in people being targeted for marriage to obtain immigration status in the UK.  As the immigration criteria tightens in other routes combined with the failure to remove illegal migrants, bogus students, failed asylum seekers etc they are turning to the spousal visa which is the weakest of all immigration systems as there are so few checks carried out. No marital checks, no affidavit of single person status, no declaration on the exclusivity of the relationship, no police certificate required and very few actual criminal checks are carried out. With an illegal migrant population in the UK estimated to be 1M this means that one in 65 people you meet is trying to secure their immigration status. Marriage is being used as an insurance policy against deportation.

To make matters worse the ‘Certificate of Approval’ system was removed. This was a process that meant that all foreign nationals had to be checked by the Home Office before they were allowed to marry in the UK. This removal led to a steep rise in Sham marriages and fraudulent marriages. In 2014 the EU named these ‘Marriages by Deception’ in other countries they are known as ‘Marriage Fraud’ or ‘Mariages Gris’. Bigamy and polygamy without consent has become a large feature in these frauds often combined with criminal pasts and fraudulent paperwork.

Online dating agencies and the religious matrimonial sites have become the ‘go to place’ to secure a marriage. Many victims naively believed that if somebody is in the UK that there must have been some checks carried out, they believe that when they go to the General Registry Office (which is part of the Home Office) for marriage that checks are carried out automatically when the reality is that only when the General Registry Office has suspicions can a Section 24 be issued and referral made to the Home Office. Again the spouse may believe that rigorous checks will be made when the spouse visa/family reunification process is started when this is not so and maybe even the dating sites themselves believe the propaganda of the ‘Hostile Environment’ not knowing the full extent of the issue that ‘ne’er do wells’ are entering the UK and marrying to secure their status.

Some examples:

A woman met a man on a dating site, they married and he obtained his spouse visa. It transpired he was on a criminal most wanted list in his own country and already married.

A man met a woman on a dating site who had several children, they married and she obtained a spouse visa. He believed he was step father to the children who he financially supported. It transpired that she was already married in a live relationship and that the children had a father who was very much in the picture and who inadvertently he was financially supporting.

A woman met a man on a dating site and it transpired that none of his details were correct and he had obtained numerous different official and unofficial identities. He had already been in prison for using fraudulent documentation in the UK. Transpired he was also married. Through marriage he obtained his immigration status.

A man met a woman on a dating site and they married. Transpired she had three husbands!

A woman met a man on a dating site. It transpired that he had been voluntarily deported for fraud but been given a letter from the Home Office stating that ‘should he apply on the basis of marriage he would not be refused’ so this is of course what he did and his wife had no knowledge of his criminal past.

Sadly, these cases are common. Unfortunately not all dating sites carry out checks and of course some of the sites are hosted abroad. Social media is also being used as a dating site e.g. a vulnerable woman was targeted by a foreign national, they married in the UK and it transpired that he was already married, not the age he purported to be nor of the profession he said. In fact not even his address was real that he had given in his home country. The disabled are particularly vulnerable to these frauds as there is a different immigration system for them and they do not have to prove an income of £18,600.

None of the above cases and the numerous similar are prosecuted. In 2014 the Independent Chief Inspector of Borders and Immigration wrote his British Nationality Report. He could find no prosecutions other than for organised crime. The EU Commission recommended that all member states have a multi-agency forum including non statutory bodies to look at these ‘Marriages of Convenience’ unfortunately the UK did not implement. There are no cases of bigamy being prosecuted between a foreign national due to the out of date bigamy law. Issues such as jurisdiction, domicile and ‘subject of her majesty’ combined with CPS guidance making cases impossible to obtain an outcome. These cases could be prosecuted under the Fraud Act 2006 Section 2 or perhaps 4 but they are not. Furthermore these cases are a form of rape. Few victims would have consented to sex with their partners if they knew that they were already married and not the identity they purported to be! Whilst all forms of online dating scams are harmful imagine being bound to the fraudster in a contract of marriage that is extremely difficult to extract from without serious financial consequences unless there has been a prosecution.

Other countries have had great success in address when these frauds are used for immigration purposes. Here is the law of France as an example:

Article L623-1

The fact of contracting a marriage or recognising a child solely for the purpose of obtaining, or having obtained, a residence permit or the benefit of protection against expulsion, or for the sole purpose of acquiring, or acquire, the French nationality is punishable by five years of imprisonment and 15 000 Euros fine. These penalties are also incurred when the foreigner who has contracted marriage has concealed his intentions from his spouse.

The same penalties apply in case of organisation or attempt to organise a marriage or recognition of a child for the same purpose.

They are brought to ten years of imprisonment and to 750 000 Euros of fine when the infraction is committed in organised band

Great harm is being caused by these fraudsters and a prosecution strategy must be devised if we are to stop the growth and deter the fraudsters.

For more information see www.immigrationmarriagefraudconsultancy.com

You can read Kim’s own story here.

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How the hell did this happen to me? How ‘Adult Grooming’ works.

The most unexpected part of sharing your story, a story which has been soul destroying, bewildering, humiliating (these are just touching on the adjectives to describe how I felt)  is the reaction from others. Some just don’t get it.

Mixed reactions from friends, family, work colleagues, all who know you and the type of person you are. People who may or may not, have the capacity to understand that they cannot judge what they haven’t experienced first hand.

Trying to explain to them what happened when you’re not really sure yourself. Still fighting with the voices of your own judgement and trust, as the truth becomes clear, and you’re left with this crazy spinning question…How the hell did this happen to me?

It was the counsellor I was seeing, after I discovered the initial catalogue of lies, that explained to me about the behaviours of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths. She knew quickly my personality type was to research things to understand, in order to accept. She sent me off with homework to research further these personality ‘disorders’. This was the start of my awakening. It was my saving in respect that it made clear how I ( I’m not stupid, naive or a bimbo) had fallen prey to our Catfish.

I had been groomed. It doesn’t just happen to children.

How do we know that these groomers (not those using the same behaviour through scripts for financial fraud)  are of these personality types?  Even tiny amounts of research come back with the answers:

  • these individuals feel entitled
  • they do not have conscience or empathy
  • they are incredibly convincing liars and manipulators
  • they show no normal markers for lying
  • they can cry on demand to make stories more convincing
  • they are naturally charming
  • they use mirroring to build trust
  • they need constant new supply to satisfy their addictions (online platforms make targets easily accessible)
  • they only choose targets that show qualities that they themselves lack for 2 reasons (many good, kind individuals are empathetic to others and ‘to learn responses’ from good morals, ethics and kind behaviour)

These groomers are not men/women seeking an affair from a tired relationship or marriage. There will never be ‘just one woman/man’ that they are seeking comfort or excitement from. These individuals are premeditated and meticulous in their approach. They are constantly grooming multiple targets at any one time. They need a constant new supply as at some point, they will tire of, or exhaust the relationship or the mask will have slipped and they get exposed.

Many people won’t even know they have rubbed shoulders with one. The lesson? Don’t judge the victims.

Ann Silver MA describes in this simple and succinct blog-how to spot one of these individuals.

‘How to spot a sociopathic liar’ by Ann Silvers MA

Creating elaborate lies for their own gain with no care about who gets hurt is a hallmark of sociopathic lying. Sociopaths are compulsive pathological liars.

Sociopaths lie without conscience.

That means that they can look you right in the eye and lie to you and not show the usual markers that would give them away.

It also means that they don’t care about collateral damage.

They get their mind set on a goal and they will make up whatever they need to in their attempts to achieve their goal. It doesn’t matter what the consequences are to others as a result of their lies. It doesn’t matter if other adults get hurt and it doesn’t matter if children get hurt. It doesn’t even matter if their own children get hurt.

What is a sociopath?

(Note: I see sociopath and psychopath as the same thing. So, the answer to the question, “What is a psychopath?” is the same as the answer to the question, “What is a sociopath?”)

One way to define sociopath: Sociopaths are parasites.

Like other parasitic creatures, sociopaths need a “host” for survival. They are on the lookout for strong, healthy hosts. When they find a suitable host, they latch on, and aren’t satisfied until they have sucked the life out of the person who has had the misfortune of becoming their target.

When we think of sociopathic people, we most often think of those that kill. But sociopathy can be put on a continuum from zero to Jodi Arias. On this continuum, everyone past the half-way mark is going to cause problems for people who come in contact with them. As you move along the continuum of sociopathic behavior, the perpetrators become more and more destructive.

Some sociopaths (such as Jodi Arias or Scott Peterson) physically kill their targets. Others kill their psyches, financial health, self-esteem, reputation, ability to have another relationship, or their spirits.

The diagnostic manual used by mental health professionals uses the term Antisocial Personality Disorder to designate a pattern of attitudes and behaviors we commonly call psychopathy or sociopathy.

Being without conscience and enjoying lying are two key elements of sociopathic personality. These elements go hand in hand in that sociopaths’ lack of conscience means that they can lie without showing the normal markers of lying. That’s how they pull people into believing their lies and get away with as much as they get away with. They are so practiced at lying that they respond to being caught in a lie by creating a new lie. It is very difficult to pin them down. Their lies tend to be complex and detailed.

Education is protection

According to Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, 4% of the population is sociopathic. That is 1 in 25.

We bump up against sociopathic people in our neighborhoods, workplaces, and grocery stores. Those of us who are particularly unlucky partner with one or have one in the family.

To protect yourself and people you care about, it’s worthwhile studying these people and learning what to watch out for.

The characteristics of sociopathic lying

Some of the sociopath characteristics make it extra easy for them to get away with their lies.

Sociopathic liars:

    • lie without conscience
    • don’t show the normal markers of lying
    • don’t care about collateral damage
    • are very practiced manipulators
    • make up new lies as cover stories if old lies are exposed

Sociopaths can:

    • be very charming
    • bring up crocodile tears (fake tears they can conjure up at opportune times)
    • extract people’s sympathy
    • use detail in their lies to be convincing

Why do they do it?

People so often grapple with “Why?” Why do they do it? Why would anyone make up such a lie?”

When they can’t see a good “why” answer, they often conclude “It makes no sense for them to lie about this, therefore it must be true.”

I’ll tell you why. It’s a simple answer really.

Sociopaths lie because they perceive some gain from the lie.

The gain to the liar may be:

    • control,
    • power,
    • prestige,
    • glory,
    • money,
    • winning an argument,
    • punishing someone they see as an adversary,
    • getting someone out of their way,
    • undermining the credibility of someone who could expose their lies,
    • notoriety,
    • an ego boost,
    • demeaning or humiliating others,
    • an opportunity to practice their lying skills,
    • enjoyment from pulling the wool over people’s eyes,
    • sympathy,
    • protecting their previous lies,
    • creating an illusion of who they are, or
    • getting something they want.

Remember, sociopathic liars don’t have a pesky conscience to hold them back and they don’t care about collateral damage. All they care about is their self-centered gain.

Sociopaths abuse their romantic partners.

Not all abusive people are sociopaths, but all sociopaths are abusive.

Read here about Love Bombing Part 1

Read here about Love Bombing Part 2

 

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Adult Grooming: Grooming does not just happen to children.

Adult Grooming is the behaviour behind ‘Catfishing’. Under current legislation you lose your right to any protection as you turn 16. Here ‘mumstravelblog’ describes her experience of this abhorrent abuse.

Long Term Damage from Adult Grooming

by mumstravelblog

I have spent years talking to my children (my daughter in particular) about safety online and more specifically in relation to the dangers of online dating after she split up with her first long term boyfriend and ventured over into the world of ‘Tinder’.

But to be honest I truly thought that I myself was immune from online scammers and predators, I ‘thought’ I could spot them from a mile away….. I WAS WRONG.

I have dipped my toe into the world of online dating a few times on and off over the years, and yes I have on occasions met up with guys who have looked 10 yrs older than their profile photos or have posted on their profiles that they are 6′ and turn out to actually be 5’4″ !! It kind of goes with the territory, but never in a million years did I think that at the age of 47 that I would get groomed, deceived and duped in the way that I did.

The word ‘catfish’ is used more and more in relation to online dating and those who set up fake profiles in order to scam people either for money or for some twisted pleasure.

My groomer was not a ‘catfish’ in the traditional sense; he used his own name (I think) and his own photographs, however that is the only thing about him which was either truthful or real. Absolutely everything else which came from him was lies and was all a part of a very sick controlling game he played which enabled him abuse my sanity, my integrity, my mind, my self worth, my trust, and my body.

I have already named the man who groomed me in my earlier blog – Steve Window, I am 99.9% sure than this is his real name, however when I was getting suspicious about him and put his mobile number into Facebook it connected to a profile in the name of ‘David Peters’ but with no photograph, I suspect that he may have been using additional profiles under that name and maybe others as well, I will never know the truth. The worse part of it was the fact that Steve joked constantly about online scammers and how stupid women were to fall for them, he said “if you can see someone has a linkedin account then you know 100% that they are genuine…” of course he has a linkedin account, but he is far from genuine – he is a narcissistic serial predator and compulsive liar.

In a very short space of time this one man single handedly stripped away my sense of self, he stripped away my integrity and my right to consent – I honestly feel that his deception and coercion took away my rights and my freedom to choose (because I know 100% I would NOT have chosen to have any kind of relationship with him had he rightfully informed me of the truth).

Now without blowing my own trumpet I am a pretty intelligent, grounded, strong and sensible woman! As well as being a former Police Officer. It’s not very often that someone like this would get one over on me, neither would I ever have previously considered myself vulnerable, however this experience has shown me just how vulnerable I actually am and this alone has weakened me greatly as a person. I am empathic, sensitive to other people’s needs, I love deeply and am fiercely protective. I had always prided myself on my honesty, integrity, loyalty, inner strength and fairness towards others.

Previous to this abuse I trusted pretty much everyone at face value until such time as they gave me reason not to, now I trust no one and I honestly feel like I will never be able to trust anyone again, particularly within a relationship.

This is not a man who just dated me with good intentions and it simply didn’t work out – this is a man who deliberately targeted me, meticulously groomed me (at the same time as others) and deceived me into having sex with him, then gained additional gratification in completely messing with my mind & my emotions to devalue me. Internally I am still screaming, but no one can hear me. However know I have to be strong for the sake of my children…and I will be.

The thing is with him is that he is clever; a brilliant academic who has a Masters Degree in studying manifesting & human behaviour within the Maritime domain. He understands psychology in depth and the power of the mind, he knows how to change peoples perceptions in the way that they think and act, he knows exactly the way the mind can be re-programmed quickly. He uses these skills in his coercive control of women and I have to say he uses them well.

I look back now and I cringe, how on earth did I fall for that?…but I did – hook, line and sinker 😢. I have used online dating in the past as I’ve already said, but I have never got into deeply personal conversation prior to meeting a man, and certainly didn’t think it remotely possible that you could fall in love with someone before even meeting them, but with him I did, and I fell quickly. He made sure of that. However what I have subsequently learnt is that the messages that Steve was sending me were not love, but what is referenced as ‘love bombing’ a well known and documented tactical move of narcissists to quickly gain control over you and your emotions.

I honestly had never had such feelings for someone I had never met before, I couldn’t believe that this was happening or even possible – finally I believed I had met the man of my dreams and what’s more I foolishly believed that he felt the same way too. When we sat in a restaurant together enjoying a lavish dinner during our first date, he looked he straight in the eye telling me he had absolutely no doubts that this was all perfect and I totally felt the same way. Little did I know as we sat in the Citizen M Hotel, Rotterdam later that evening, chatting, laughing and being what some would describe as ‘loved up’, Steve was sending photos of his G&T to his next victim with a text saying “warming up for your visit”. Just two weeks later he took her to exactly the same hotel!

I am very much one for taking things slowly and if things don’t feel quite right from either side, one half will finish it – end of story and no harm done.

Part of my abusers mind games was the constant reassurance that the relationship was still perfect and that he was smitten, even though in practice he seemed to be withdrawing from me. His words and actions didn’t mirror one another, if he wanted to end it then he could have done so very easily and that would have been the end of it.(I even gave him the chance to do exactly that…twice). No, that was far too boring for him, the ‘carrot & donkey’ scenario was all part of the coercion & mental control. Just in me having to question ‘are things still OK between us?’ made me also question myself as to whether I was appearing too needy? (Definitely not my usual style, yet something which he clearly thrived on as he would have gained a sense of power over me.

My full story is told in an earlier blog, so I am not going to go over it again, but in just a very very short period of time Steve had totally manipulated my mind, and after he had deliberately strung me along for several more weeks and then ghosted me it triggered all sorts of emotions within. Initially when he vanished after saying he was going on a business trip to Singapore I was worried sick that something bad had happened to him, then came a sense of confusion and non belief; this man who had claimed to have such strong feelings for me, made promises and plans for both our short and long term future together. I felt SO stupid realising that I had been set up in such a way and had blindly walked straight into his trap. I had told my parents all about him over Christmas, told friends I had finally found ‘the one’, booked tickets for him to attend a big awards ceremony with me for which I was a judge and had told several colleagues about the ‘new man’ I was bringing with me. I suddenly could not even face going, my stomach was in knots, I felt physically sick as the reality dawned on me that I had been deliberately targeted, groomed, used and ghosted – as suddenly everything fell into place.

His coercive control left me with debilitating anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts, don’t ask me why, the mind can do funny things. I wasn’t just devastated that a short term relationship had come to an end, it was the reality of being groomed and abused in so many senses. Feeling totally violated & vulnerable, realising I could have potentially put my children at risk, not only of the possibility of either being groomed themselves, but of them becoming motherless if he had infected me with H.I.V (something which I don’t mind admitting I am paranoid about given the fact my brother died of AIDS at 37 and why I am generally over cautious about safe sex) My abuser assured me that sex with him was safe, he told me he was single and not been in another relationship for over a year – and I foolishly believed him.

If you have never suffered with anxiety/panic attacks then this diagram might just come close to trying to describe them: The invisible hippopotamus sitting on your chest was particularly poignant for me, and even now when it hits me, I feel like I can’t breathe.

My life hasn’t always been easy, I was in an physically abusive relationship 21 years ago, and two years ago I had a bad breakdown. I had worked hard at re-building my life TWICE, Steve knew the details of both these low points in my life because I had trusted him enough to share. He knew that I was perhaps ‘fragile’ and yet it did not deter his path of abuse and destruction, in fact looking back he used this to control my emotions even more. He knew that in me learning to love and learning to trust again were big steps, he reassured me that I would be ‘loved, cherished and protected, and that he would never lie to me’. Two years ago I had been on the brink of taking my own life (not relationship related, just one of many many straws breaking the camels back). Forming such a strong bond so quickly with Steve was a huge step in the path of that recovery….but with his deception and grooming now exposed, the walls around me came tumbling down, each and every pore seem to open an old or new wound, and emotionally I crashed. I’m not afraid to say “I was a mess”

One mans grooming triggered so much pain that I cannot even begin to write it in a blog; new hurts & past hurts, I had to re live past trauma and grieve my brothers death all over again…..all of that and so much more.

Thankfully I recognised the signs of where I was this time, I wasn’t going to put myself or my children back to where I was two years ago and hence I immediately sort the help I needed to deal with & recover from falling victim of an online predator (the emotional and physical side of the abuse)

I HATE taking any kind of medication and pills, always have. I wasn’t going to start pumping my body full of anti-depressants and suffering with god knows what side effects as well, but the fog which fell around me was debilitating for several weeks along with the anxiety and panic attacks, inside I was screaming as I felt so humiliated and disgusted with myself that I just wanted to hide from the world. I couldn’t do justice to my work, my family, to life in general. I just wanted to hide from everyone and everything..and for a while I did.

I consider myself lucky, I have the most amazingly supportive family (including my ex-husband!!!) and some truly incredible friends. With their help, with determination & will power and with some exceptional counselling, I pulled myself out of that dark hole.

I loathe the fact he still takes up so much time in my head space though, if I could just press a button and delete it all from my mind I would, if I could turn off the anxiety and sense of worthlessness I now have I would.

Life is very different now, it’s hard to describe; almost as if the rawness of the wound has healed but knowing the scars will always be there. Discovering 5 months after my own ordeal that my abuser was also married at the time and had another victim he went on to abuse immediately afterwards only re-opened some of those wounds yet again. However it also made me determined to ensure that no one else falls victim. My abuser has twice tried to threaten and intimidate me with criminal and civil action for exposing him, his own lawyers comments so dangerous and inappropriate that I reported him to the legal ombudsman, as well as bringing them to the attention of the Police & Crime Commissioner and Victim Commissioner. His lawyers despicable and highly irresponsible comments cast a shadow over himself, his company and the entire legal profession which he represents. It’s truly no wonder with people like that in the legal world that so many victims are too terrified to report abuse to the police and hence too many offences still go unreported, leaving predators completely free to re-offend over and over again.

Am I scared of my abusers intimidation & threats? NO

Am I scared that he will do this again to other women? YES …….(in fact since writing my first blog I have already been informed that he has moved on to yet another woman – this time it’s Jayne in London, who also has an 11 year old son. I’m still trying to work out why he ALWAYS goes for women with young boys??!)

I can’t change what happened to me, but I can hopefully help prevent it happening to other people, so if I go down then I will sure as hell go down fighting. Fighting for justice, fighting for the protection of other women and for the next generation (his children & mine) and fighting for what I know to my core is right.

This experience has changed me. For better or for worse?, I am yet to see long term. I would have hoped to have healed by now…I haven’t 😢. The longer the pain goes on for the deeper I understand how emotionally damaged I was by this man.

Any trust I have within me has been destroyed, BUT… that has taught me to fully embrace myself as a single woman.

It has brought a greater awareness within me that it’s not just children, the naive or vulnerable people that this happens to, it’s anyone. And it’s made me want to fight for the protection and justice of others. If I can prevent just one person from going through what I have by sharing my story then I know something positive has come from this and that it was the right thing to do, no matter how painful.

I no longer felt I could face the world in the public capacity that my job required, I could have just given up and claimed benefits…I didn’t. Instead I decided to take a year out to fully heal and look after myself for a while. I took my son out of school for a year so we could travel the world and spend some quality family together. This trip would never have come to fruition if it wasn’t for my experience of grooming. I am still overly cautious wherever I am, my normally chatty & open self is not interested in engaging strangers and fellow travellers in conversation as I normally would, but I am still working on myself and still healing. I am hoping that given time my barriers may come down again and I may be able to fully embrace the world as we travel it.

For now though, I am cocooned in love and support from family & friends near and far and for that alone I am still truly blessed.

Go to the blog here

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Mike’s story-When Catfishing claims lives.

Written by his Aunt Maria, here is the story of Mike, a 28 year old member of the Air Force who’s life was claimed after his Catfishing experience.

We live in Alaska. What happens in the lower 48 rarely touches us. The story I am about to tell is not real to me, but my nephew is dead, that is very real.

He died at 28, and by his own hands. He served in the Air Force since graduating from high school. Traveled a bit, then was stationed back home in Fairbanks Alaska. He began online dating and met a young women who said she was 19.

On their first date, immediately he knew she was a minor. He took her to her home and never looked back. He told the leader of his team what happened. This should have been the end…fast forward, he has met a beautiful women, bought a house, very involved of the green dot program for rape and violence victims, had his whole life ahead of him.

Two months ago while at work, authorities came in, took his computer and phone. Explained that they were investigating a minor and his name came up. He then sat staring at the wall in his office for 10 hours. Went home, lined his room with Visqueen and shot himself. 48 hours later, the base commander explained to us…a 14 year old minor was being investigated by the Alaska State Troopers for lying on a dating website and then extorting the men. The commander mentioned four other men were on her list. The troopers were investigating the girl, not the men. They called her a Catfisher. They had her computer and saw everything.

After reviewing Mike’s phone and computer, the troopers and military stated he did nothing wrong…absolutely nothing. He was given full honors, an award, my sister received his life insurance.

Thing is, he knew someone serving 3 years in prison with the exact same story, he thought all paedophiles should be hung. His baby sister is 15 when he found the lier was 14, I can not imagine what went through his head, but promise you he puked. He loved his baby sister.

We now have his phone and computer back, confirming what happened. The other boys have lawyers, but their life in the military is probably over. There is no law against what she did.

Sad thing, I may have her name and I want her to pay for all the lives she destroyed but she is just a kid. That does not change what my family is going through.

Everyone needs to know his story. He was not alone. Who should we blame…all…none?

Maria Anderson

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When Catfishing claims lives. The worst side of Catfishing.

Where I am today is far from the place I was in January 2017. A qualified teacher, then working as a 1-1 TA, fresh from the discovery of my abuser and now, working with law clinics and amazing people who have come into my life from this experience and more importantly helping others who have shared similar experiences.

My world was turned upside down when I discovered the man that I had been dating wasn’t who he said he was. I had put my trust in this sad excuse for a human being and he had abused me in every sense.

As my story began to unfold, the gravity of my experience started to become clear. It was fate he met me though, and me him. I’m a firm believer that ‘everyone meets for a reason, what ever that reason my be’.

After discovering who he really was, my emotions took a deeper spin. This man had made me the other women, something he knew had been my worst experience on the other side of the coin. I loathe cheats. Not all Catfish are married though, it’s a behaviour adopted by many for their own gratification.

Having been hurt so much by the experience and finding it difficult to come to terms with, as there was no closure to have, I needed to turn it around into something positive. I needed to make sure people knew about this and more importantly to try and stop this from happening to other people. The law is a mess and archaic. The police have no training in areas of anything emerging. Something needed to be done and this was what I needed to do, for others and myself.

After a lot of research and thought, the petition was created and with the help of some good friends, a local paper said they would like to publish my story as a warning to others and to promote the petition. The other hope, was that others may, if the publicity was good, alert other women who had been in contact with him. I knew there were more but I didn’t know who or how many.

What happened after that first local paper article couldn’t have been predicted by anyone. On a personal level it lost me my job by a judgemental and incredibly inhumane headteacher and on the other hand it sparked a global press release. In the first few days the national press picked up the story and ‘woman number one’ came forward. In the next five months his victim numbers were growing and currently sit at twelve. Exposure of this behaviour through TV, radio and more articles for magazines was becoming widespread and so was the number of messages I was receiving from victims of other Catfish and from some Catfish themselves.

This part for me was the hardest.

The support side was overwhelming. These are the people this has happened to as well, and they know without question, what it is like to be manipulated and emotionally abused as just a start to the effects of this experience. This is just the door opening and ground work a Catfish does to enable them to use you for whatever motivates them personally whether financial fraud, sexploitation, personal sexual gratification through pictures and videos, drawn from the victim after trust has been built and in our case, actual physical sexual exploitation. These people get it.

The flip side of this is the realisation that thousands of people are experiencing this every year and they are too scared or humiliated to talk to others for fear of judgment from the morons who know no better. Thousands of people are having their lives torn apart by these degenerates who trawl the internet for vulnerable people to exploit and everyone of the platforms, be it social media or dating, are giving them a helping hand. They are free to create full fake profiles and abuse who ever they want without fear of penalty or justice to their victims. There is no justice.

This realisations never hits as hard though, as when your mail pings or you look at messages on your petition to read that another life has been lost due  the lack of responsibility for human life by yet another exploiter and also the platforms that have allowed it to happen by not enforcing the terms and conditions that their users are meant to abide by.

Last year I heard of an 18 year old lad, who gave up on life after being catfished by a girl. You can read Mitchell’s story here . This was the first suicide victim I’d heard of.

The latest victim just a few weeks ago, a 28 year old man. His family broken by his death, left numb and in disbelief at what has spiralled from his experience with a catfish. The family are raw at his loss and it was a 14 year old girl, set up as a 19 year old online that finally ended this man’s belief in the world. He had ended the initial encounter when he realised something wasn’t right  but the butterfly effect of this behaviour some months later meant he was investigated by the military and accused of things he shouldn’t have been accused of. Two days after taking his own life his family were told the investigators had discovered she was a Catfish and had been playing many a game with many military men- but it was too late for Mike. His family are grieving but do not want his life to have been in vain. When they are ready his story will be told.

At 14 years old, this girl should not have even been on dating websites-but how much responsibility will this platform take for Mike’s death? None.

So my question is:

What’s with not having verification? What are the ‘pros and cons’ of being who you say you are?  Blog to follow.