Tag: online dating safety

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So you think you know about Yahoo Boys and Romance Scams? Part 4

Yahoo boys or Gee boys have their hands in with many scams. New ways of making quick money are being tested all the time and once something is found as successful, it will be shared amongst scammers in their world and used by everyone-they are known as ‘updates’.

Here are some of the current, popular scams to look out for:

Sugar Daddy/Mummy(Mommy)/Baby Scams

Social media profiles will be set up for Sugar Scams.

Scammers will use anyone’s pictures for these, they don’t need lots for the long game. They will be surfing for any profile picture on any profile to fit the bill. Some groups do love the beautiful Alexandra Rodriguez who is often used as ‘Mommy Heather’.

These scams work by drawing in people who are financially strapped with the premise of being ‘spoilt’ as a sugar baby. I’ve seen these pages target students too. How do the scammers make money? They tell you there is an attorney fee to set up the agreement. Not only that, they will collect your details of Cash App, PayPal or other ‘to pay the money to’ where they will attempt hacking for other scams. ‘Formats’ (in Part 1) are available to the scammers for these scams.

Grant Scams

Grant scams are ongoing and take advantage of any situation going on in that country, or world at the time. The current pandemic has been a blessing for the scammers in many ways. Bottom line here, no organisation handing out money in grants is going to randomly contact you over social media or ask people to contact others for them.

Always do your own research, do not click the link, message the email or text the number they give you. This holds for any text, email or phone call you receive. These details are pre-planned fake websites or call centres (they will reroute home country numbers which are readily available thanks to new services). You will simply be following their scam process. Always put your own search in and get a number/email independently.

 

 

They are collecting your information for identity theft (Social Security Numbers, National Insurance Numbers, bank details, phone numbers) and in the process getting a fee to set up the grant payments.

Google Voice Scams

Scammers need phone numbers to execute their scams. They need numbers in the countries they want to scam in (or open bank accounts or other in), not phone numbers from Africa. Historically, they will ask victims to send Sim Cards and phones as part of the Romance scam. Pickers will be in place to take shipments before sending them out to Africa, unless of course the story from the scammer has put them there. How else can they get them?

Fortunately for scammers, there are now multiple ways. Electronic numbers can be got online through many apps but only local to your country-step in pickers and other victims, but also through Google Voice. Registered phone numbers are far more valuable to scammers as they will be accepted for opening bank accounts and other benefit system frauds.

One way scammers use Google Voice is to scan the likes of private sellers sites such as Craig’s List and Gumtree. They look for items for sale with a listed phone number, the scammer will text asking if the item is still available. On getting a response, the scammer will say they would like to check ‘you’ are not a scammer and say they have put your number through a checking app to check it’s a legitimate number with no bad debt etc listed against it. An OTP (one time password) will be sent and victim asked to please forward the code or screenshot, to them to verify the information.

What you are actually sending is a password to hand over your number to the scammer on Google Voice. Once in possession of that number, the scammer can use it to open online bank accounts and also access lots of other numbers.

 

This process is used in other scams too. Don’t ever send an OTP to a stranger (or any one you have never met or know in person).

Cash App Scams

Cash App along with Zelle, PayPal, Venmo and others offer immediate transfer of funds to another party.

Private seller scams

Using private sellers lists again, scammers will contact in response to an item they claim to wish to purchase. Once agreement is made, funds need to be exchanged. If cash app hasn’t been used before by the client, they have an upper hand advantage from the start.

Cash app only allows transfers in and out of the account for a limit of sending $250 per 7 days and receiving $1000 per 30 days. Increasing these limits only happens through verification of your identity.

Scammers will claim the account limit needs to be increased (expanded) for the transaction to take place due to limits. They claim this can be done through the app by ‘building’ the limit between buyer and seller. Emails are sent from a fake customer service website to confirm the instructions along with notification messages and alerts.

Emails and notifications are passed backwards and forwards to build trust with the victim.

Note the .ng domain address on the website/email. This is Nigeria.

Here the victim instructed the postmaster not to release the parcel until she gave conformation of the payment being credited to her account. The address the package was to be sent to was in New York. This will have been a picker, hired by the scammers knowingly or unknowingly (employment scams, romance scams, paid mules) to collect the package before passing it on to Nigeria. Unfortunately the post master sent the package before confirmation.

The scam continued:

 

The victim did not send any money or gift cards but a few days later the scammer taunted her by showing the Fedex delivery tracker and a video of the Nigerian holding her ring.  They tried again to get more money saying the ring could be returned if she paid for shipping.

She showed the scammer all the evidence I had found of the fake account and the stolen identity of the elderly lady used in the scam. It’s with the police but unfortunately she is very unlikely to see any of her money or possessions again.

Other Cash App scams 

Cash Flip and  Prize Giveaways are other common Cash App scams.

The businesses do offer this service to customers for promotional purposes on occasion and the scammers are quick to jump on these situations to extort money. More on these two Cash App scams can be found here

Please only ever contact these apps for support through the in app contact system. Too many scammers have very well thought out fake websites and call centres to look like the real thing. 

Puppy/Kitten deposit scams

Many of these scams follow a similar pattern, the subject of the scam will simply change so that they can maximise the opportunities to exploit. Puppies and Kittens create a good opportunity for money making in scams, especially when advertising as a quality breed.

I should say here that scams using Puppies and Kittens for scams are abundant in all countries, carried out by heartless criminals who are out to make fast money without thought to the welfare of the animals. You should always seek advise from a vet for a registered breeder or preferably get a pet from a rescue as there are plenty needing homes.

Here, I am concerned with the type of scam conducted over the internet, where the animals are simply virtual and do not in reality even exist.

Fake websites and social media profiles are used to set up these scams.

One is shown here.

Things might not look wrong on first look, bar a gramma mistake on paperwork’s’.

However, the fact this profile messaged first and just a simple search on the pictures, shows this for what it is.

A key phrase here raises red flags. ‘I’m a good and sincere person.’ are words used in romance scams to build trust.
Always screen shot a few images to run through a reverse search. The results can save you money and heart break.
The reverse image search showed that the image has been taken from the internet. These puppies are not for sale.

As the scam continues, the scammer may even send a video (taken from the internet), then a deposit will be asked for. Using Cash App or other, details will be passed and funds transferred to secure the puppy or kitten. The money is lost and the scammer disappears.

Landlord/Rental deposit scams

Using the same technique above,  the scammers will watch legitimate websites for properties going up for rent.

They create private listings with the pictures but with the monthly rental price at a significantly reduced rate. They will claim that they previously had the property with an agent but the fees were too high so now they are renting privately. The agent is just being slack removing the listing.

Documents can be replicated to share and build trust before asking for the deposit to be paid. The old saying goes here, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

The deposit and likely first month payment will be asked for in advance as is common with property rental. Scams like this have been found targeting students in particular who are looking for a good deal on limited money. This money will be lost.

Always use a verified agent or meet the person face to face with full identity when venturing into these transactions.

Employment scams

Scammers will get onto college websites or even websites for single mums and similar. Email extractor tools are used to extract the emails registered on that website. The scammers will then bomb the emails with adverts for part time virtual work and work from home opportunities.

The wage is paid by fraudulent bank transfer or cheque in excess of the agreed wage. The picker will announce the mistake and ask for the extra paid money to be returned via gift card or other.

By the time the ’employee’ realises from the bank that the original transaction was in fact a scam transaction, the picker and the scammer are gone.

This method of extracting money is used across the scamming world including call centre scams, but this type- often technical support scam will gain access to the victims computer through screen share software to make them think the bank transaction of a refund has actually gone through at a higher rate and needs to be returned.

Hacking accounts

Scammers do business, and part of that business is hacking accounts, all types of accounts.

Older Facebook accounts are really popular with scammers because of many reasons. One, they look more authentic than a freshly made account with the joining date being historic on the profile. Two, ready made friends list who may or may not be close to the real owner. Three, these older accounts are mainly created in a country not on the ‘watchlist’ and are much harder to get removed through reporting. These accounts are offered for sale in the groups.

How do they get these?

As said previously, Romance Scams are not always about instant money. Sometimes the scammer is focused on collecting facebook accounts or other information for other scams. Sometimes they will come at a victim from more than one perspective, as different identities, to collect more and different information. When money isn’t asked for the victims tend to trust more but the scammers are just as dangerous. They will be building trust and ‘phishing’ for your details for identity theft and other things to earn them money.

Hackers may create the same narrative with a victim and even send them their own bank details with login (of a fake account) to show their trust and love for a victim (or friend). They might use this as a way to get the victim to send a One Time Password (OTP) alert maybe of a ‘login from another device’ from information such as a phone number or email used to access and sign in to a facebook account or email account. The victim will be told it’s to verify their number or email with the bank. The victim sends it to the scammer and the scammer has the password to verify themselves on the social media account or email etc..

The scammer can then change passwords from inside the account settings and lock the victim out.

If an email has been hacked, the scammer will now phish for other information useful in scams. Some of these scams will be for bigger fraud such as online benefit applications where the scammer has collected the required information for submitting a claim in that persons name with their personal details. You can read more here about this kind of fraud.

Other hacked accounts include Sporty Bet accounts where pre loaded cards are available for using.

There are many more scams that are constantly evolving from ones like these. Please be very aware of any one that contacts you or deals that seem too good to be true. Never click links or give a One Time Password or verification code to anyone you don’t know personally. Never use given phone numbers or web-links to confirm what you are being told, always do a search yourself for these numbers, emails or contact details or access the contact us section within an app.

 

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So you think you know about Yahoo Boys and Romance Scams? Part 3

When a victim realises what is going on, maybe a friend has broken through the conditioning instilled by the scammer or they have come across other profiles with the same pictures or completed a reverse image search, they will likely confront the scammer.

The scammer will not take this laying down and just go away.

Guilt will be heaped on the victim to start with. ‘How you can you not trust me after everything we’ve been through?’ are words all victims will hear. ‘The scammers have been stealing my pictures for years, I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore, now they’ve taken you too.’

When this doesn’t have effect, they can turn nasty.

  • Sextortion. If intimate images have been extorted (male or female), the blackmail will likely ensue. Blocking their number won’t do anything. scammers have untold amounts of numbers for any country at their disposal from other victims and other scams (more later) and the victim will likely be bombarded. This does depend on the experience of the scammer and the size of the group they are working in.

New identities will randomly start connecting and contacting, threats of posting your pictures online, sending them to family and friends unless money is sent. Never think sending them money will stop them-it will bait them to blackmail you more. The Australian authorities at Scamnet have produced an excellent advice document for incidents where this happens. I send it to victims I talk to all the time. You can read it here. 

Facebook also offer a service for non-consensual sharing of images that have or have threatened to be shared on their platform. You can find their help here.

There are several follow up scams that the scammers will try. Don’t become a repeat victim. These scams are the most popular but by no means the only ones they will try and things evolve constantly.

  • Scam compensation services. A contact will offer compensation to recover lost money  and, or catch the scammer to get justice for their wrongdoing. This maybe headed up by ‘law enforcement’ organisations or ‘private investigation’ style companies. These are also set up as pages on social media. Do not be fooled. These do not exist.
  • Fallen in love. The scammer will sometimes state that they fell in love with you through the scam. They will say it’s never happened  but the connection with you was too strong. They will send their real pictures, finally make that video call, say they wish they could turn back time and start a fresh now that he’s been honest. They have introduced victims to family. Their only aim is to get a visa out of there and more money.
  • Medical emergency. Some victims have had calls with a crying scared ‘family member’ claiming the scammer has tried to commit suicide due to the guilt felt from the scamming. Can you help with hospital costs. Having thought you were in a real relationship with this person and the fact they target kind and empathetic people in the first place, the temptation to believe this can be strong. Don’t.
  • Wife Beater. Some victims have reported that a woman calls saying the scammer is their husband and that she is being beaten, especially after his failure to continue the scam with you. She will say she wants to escape and asks for help to do so.
  • Facing jail. Some victims have reported that the scammer or a friend calls to say they are facing jail. They know they have done wrong but now the family they provide for face poverty because they will not be there. Can you help to pay the police to let them off.
  • Money Mule blackmail threat. Scammers have been known to load the victims bank account with funds after they are caught. they will then threaten to inform the authorities you are a mule, if the money isn’t sent back via Bitcoin or gift cards. Victims panic and sometimes do as the scammers ask.

The suckers list.

Scammers will put your details on a list of people who have been willing to chat, taken money to look after (unknowing money mule) or part with money. You will find the fake accounts keep finding you.

Here are some tips to break the cycle.

  • Change your phone number and email
  • Come off of social media for a few weeks and on return, change your profile pictures to new unknown ones. A name change, (variations etc) where possible and user name change where applicable.
  • Make sure your profiles are completely set to private including past profile pictures and photo albums.

Ensure that you report your fraud to the relevant authority for your country. Although rare, there are occasions where enough evidence is reported for investigations to take place and arrests are made. For you to be inline for any share of money recovered, your name needs to be on that list of victims. Local police are really not interested and too many victims report being laughed at by these officers. It is not ok and shows their ignorance at the sophistication and emotional manipulation that can come with these scams.

Here is a list of web-links to report your fraud in your country. If your country is not here, let me know and I will try and find or for you.

Australia click here

Canada click here

Europe click here

India click here

Malaysia here

Philippines here 

Singapore click here

South Africa click here

United States here

Things can feel really really dark and hopeless after an experience with a scammer.  Facing reality is sometimes too much and many victims can feel suicidal. You are not alone. There is always someone to talk to. It’s important to know that you can come and chat and not be judged or feel ashamed about what has happened to you. The hardest step is acceptance and letting go. The next phase is the fight back. We don’t let them win.

In Part 4,  where your information can be used and other scams of the Yahoo Boys.

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So you think you know about Yahoo Boys and Romance Scams? Part 1

The last few months have been an eye opener.

As I research more on the new scams that are surfacing, I stumbled across some groups on facebook. These groups with variants of the title ‘Yahoo Boys Association’ became the hub points of my disbelief and horror, not only that Facebook are openly allowing these to even exist but the content which showed me the inside life of scammers. These scammers in particular being those from predominately West Africa, home of Yahoo Boys.

The name ‘Yahoo boy’ came from the original 419 email scams that emerged on the inception of this form of communication, Section 419 being the Nigerian cybercrime law which makes internet fraud a criminal offence. Most are not worried about this law however as the police are mainly ‘hustlers’ themselves, so a scammer revealed. Other names are ‘Gee boys’ and ‘Sakawa Boys’ as known in Ghana.

It became more obvious than ever, that whatever size you think this industry might be, you need to think bigger. Much bigger. Then you need to multiply that by 100 or more, that might start to scratch the surface.

From the posts in their groups I’ve researched their ‘offered services’ and scams where advice is sought for getting money from any snippet of information they get their hands on. Some of these will seem obvious however, many will not. I’ve done the research so you don’t have too.

The Smooth Talkers

Most of you will know these. These are the front line scammers that talk directly to the targets. They call you clients. To them, this is business. They will initiate conversation in many ways:

  • Friend requests followed by messaging on any social media (Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, Tik Tok etc)
  • Direct Messaging on any social media without requests (as above)
  • Dating platforms-paid and free
  • Messaging through ANY chat facilities on ANY online platform including games such as Wordzee, Scrabble, Song pop etc
  • Replying on public posts to comments as way of connecting to something said.

As a scammer’s job it’s known as ‘bombing’. 

Many whose English is poor will use formats, another scammer’s job. These are pre-scripted conversations designed to suit any situation the front man (or group) either chooses to use for bombing (dating, military, oil rig/construction/contractor/civil engineering) or the process they have chosen to use to extort money from the client.

Screen shot taken from a You Tube video, where tutorials on scamming are abundant.

Introductions will be copy and pasted on mass to as many targets as they can keep track of. You’ll notice if ever you happen across one that asking them a question not within the predicted script can prove problematic. Construction, Engineering (marine, oil gas), Oil rig workers, UN workers and the never ending Peace keeping missions in Syria of the military, all have their own formats. There are others but all come attached to a sob story of being orphaned themselves (or far to far away from any estranged family member) widowed/ divorced with a child (or two), wife/husband killed in a car crash ( as might have their parents) or died of cancer (or covid) for example. Of course, this means you will become the only person they can trust and turn to.

The more experienced scammers with a good grasp of English are far more plausible and far more dangerous.

You will inevitably be asked to move with speed, onto Hangouts or What’s app (as the favourites) but don’t think offerings of other chat apps are safe. Many are venturing to use Viber, IMO, Signal, Line, KIK, Telegram, ICQ, Skype chat. The loud message is, if they ask you to leave the platform for another facility, there is an ulterior motive. This is mainly to avoid losing the client when their profiles are deleted but also to avoid detection through app algorithms picking up key words, the client noticing them still online after the professed amazing connection and other women making loving comments on the pictures. They will often say they have deleted the profile because they have met you but in reality they have blocked you.

Depending on the size of the group the scammers are working in (either for cartel/mafia-esque style groups, smaller groups in the village or city, as a friendship group or individuals) will depend on how the scam continues. Some will do most of the process themselves, most will work as a team, allowing whoever does each particular part of the process best to take over when needed. Some groups or individuals will have the required skills to not enlist the help of others (which can cost them or they have to trade for that skill). These services are sold or traded within these groups. When the scammer feels it’s time to test the water (which can be ridiculously quickly or surprisingly lengthy and by this I mean there have been some I know have talked for over 3 years without being asked because the experienced ones will just listen for a hint of a story where money may finally be mentioned or be using them simply for and unknowingly laundering money) the next phase kicks in.

‘Billing’ (the client) the term given to the format speech used to extort the money also comes in many forms, ranging from I Tunes and gift cards of many types-STEAM and Green Dot being the latest trend, to fees of the boarding school for their child, who they have no other choice but to send there as they are in the military etc. This is also a ploy used to launder money, asking if money can be kept safe by ‘the client’ until the fees are due, then asking it to be passed on. Investment formats for billing in a new or expanding business are also used. The scammers will go to great lengths to make this look real (more later in taking it further). For military scams this may be for requesting leave, early withdrawal from the tour, supplies.

Package/consignment scams are very popular where a bogus package is reported as being sent and the client is to pay for any import taxes due on receipt and for shipping in the first place. The package may be reported to be presents for the client or receipt of possessions of the scammer’s fake identity. Plane tickets for the longed for meeting are another way to extort money within the romance scam. You will, prior to this, have been bombarded with attention and affection, even potentially had flowers, pizza sent to you (great for getting your address and building trust).

Again here, the experience of the scammer to read the situation and adapt will be the clients downfall. New hustlers won’t always be so lucky and ask for help in these groups:

Others will offer ‘Yahoo Plus and Yahoo Plus Plus’ services to help them on their way…

Yes you are reading that right. Read more here on ‘Yahoo Plus’ and ‘Yahoo Plus Plus’

In Part 2, 3 and 4, how they strengthen the deception. How they use other information collected through the game to continue to scam and what happens when they are caught out.

 

 

 

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Come and join the pages!

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been absent on here for a while except for answering emails but that doesn’t mean I’ve been absent from continuing my work for this cause.

The website is proving difficult to display all the scammers I am exposing so I’ve been working on other ways to warn others of these on other platforms and they are on every platform…more on that soon.

So, I’ve set up a Facebook Page: @catchthecatfish

An Instagram Page: @catchthecatfish123

You Tube Channel

Twitter also has the videos: @AnnaRowe123

Please come and subscribe to your preferred platform to see daily posts on all things relating to Catfishing, Romance Fraud and other scams.

Kind regards

Anna

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Quick Lessons – Using Fake Military Profiles

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Military Scams

Classic scammer preference.
  • Military men are seen as saviours. Good, trustworthy men.
  • Working in another country on tour gives perfect cover for a scammer to not be able to phone or video call ‘for security’ reasons. It’s a dangerous job which gives opportunity to create emotional stories to real you in and hook you.
  • Real military men DO NOT set up social media profiles to chat with women or men. They will never ask for money.
Look at these pictures for clues of scammers.
YELLOW : Using an officers name and /or pictures.
RED : Look for key words-honest/simple/god fearing/divorced/widowed
GREEN : Grammar-there will mistakes. English is poor.
BLUE : Follower/Following is often very different. Following from the account is on mass to attract followers.

 

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Victim Abuse: The after effects of speaking out.

Your Story

Claire shares her story of adult grooming and abuse.

The Theatre of the Mind

I tried to download a dating app yesterday. It was on my phone for 30 seconds before I deleted it.

Lovebombed

Last Autumn, I met a man online who made me love him like no other. He was intellectual, academic, caring, funny, attentive and romantic. Our early conversations were so rapid fire that he was taking the words out of my mouth before they came out. We spoke for hours daily by phone.  It was breath taking. He took it slowly, gently, knew me better than I knew myself.  Now I know why. He’d researched.

Indeed, the ‘getting to know you’ period lasted so long that I eventually ‘friend zoned’ him.

That spurred him into action:  before I knew it I was meeting him at Platform 8, Waterloo Station. His face lit up when he saw me. This slightly cuddly, endearingly ordinary man captured my heart. I almost ‘loved’ him before I met him. He was my mirror, but the bit I liked, for the first time ever.

You hear about women who give everything up for someone they’ve never met. I’d never understood, regarding them as a bit silly, a bit needy. Yet here I was, one step short of it. Mr W, ex Royal Navy, academic, navigation expert, ex-pat living in Rotterdam, had turned me to jelly. We snogged goodbye like teenagers. He went off to a Naval ball at the Honourable Company of Master Mariners, and I headed home with a head full of him.

Our next date was due to be in Paris, but the weekend came and went – he had to work. He wanted to put me up in the New York Hotel in Rotterdam, close to where he lived so that we had an unpressured date. That too never materialised. To be honest, I’d assumed we’d do every other weekend there or here in the UK. It was a million miles from the practical, close-by relationship that I’d sought, but I talked myself into the benefits. For a while he was my closest friend.

He was hating his job. I was wanting him here. Our communication was so intense that I eventually told him to back off a little. He sounded hurt.

He became the centre of my life. I started leaving time free for him, just in case, taking his calls just before leaving for the gym and missing much needed classes.

Our next date was London. Unsure about taking our relationship up a gear, I booked an apartment rather than a hotel so that we had the option of separate beds. I knew I’d made a friend for life, but needn’t have worried. We laughed into bed and the world vanished. For a perfect couple of days we wrapped ourselves together, emotionally, mentally and physically engrossed in our escape from reality.

Coercion and Control

It was the first time I saw him lie, really coldly, convincingly, to his boss that he was getting a supervision for his PhD, when in fact he was tucked up with me and had given up his PhD. He won’t be the first person to bunk off work, but it struck me at the time how easily the lies tripped off his tongue.

Reality for us was harder outside the bunker. He hated his job in Rotterdam. He was getting less attentive, but that honeymoon period intensity couldn’t be expected to last. At least, that’s what I told myself as he apparently spent Christmas with his mother on a cruise in the Balkans, during which time he couldn’t be in touch. His relationship with his mother was, he claimed, complex. He was secretive about her. Apparently, a spurned ex had once turned up on her doorstep.

I gave up a business I’d been working on, a passion that had burned for years. I finally had the money to invest, but he persuaded me that it was too big a risk and we’d never get any time together.

In January, he bought me a flight to Rotterdam, and we were to have our first weekend date. All our other ‘trysts’ had been week days.  I was suspicious, about how he was making me feel, shabby, needy. I explained my feelings to him and he blamed my good friend for poisoning my mind.

Eventually he threw in the job. A leadership expert, he told me he thought the management at Simwave was shoddy. However, he was going for Chartered status at the Honourable Company of Master Mariners as a boost.

I was angrily told that I couldn’t go to the ceremony with him, that it was a silly little paper signing, and I was dispatched to Rotterdam to wait for him there. 

We’d both initially had tickets for later flights, but his job loss meant he brought them forward to give us more time together. I was now on the earlier flight, he was on a later one. I knew deep inside, despite having sent me a message from a gin bar the week before that he was warming up for my visit, that he wasn’t coming. But I had a ticket and accommodation at his expense. I’d never spent much time in Rotterdam, so went anyway. Sure enough, he didn’t turn up until the following morning. He’d “missed his flight” and apparently stayed in a very expensive hotel at the airport.

His communication started faltering. 

Eventually I called time, sure he was living with someone, especially as he had now moved back to the UK, jobless, but only ever managed passing meets. On Valentine’s Day, he came over from his mother’s in Essex with a bunch of garage flowers, but had to get to Portsmouth to catch a ship for ‘Navy Reserve’ duty that evening. The timings didn’t ring true.

Punishment

Eventually he talked me round.

It was easy. I’d been out with an ex in the gap, and it just wasn’t the same.

Mr W understood me. I accepted I was nasty and should have accepted that he had a thing about his mother. We had some bridges to build, and I was going to have to demure. Despite being unhappy at his mums, we couldn’t live together because he’d apparently married his second wife within six months. But, promisingly, he wanted me to hold off buying my little Spanish bolthole. He was going to buy it with me. We would have our little place away from the World.

Despite being conscious of some cruel things he did, I was feeling increasingly bad about myself, and spent days helping to research jobs for him, preparing presentations, to make amends.  Yet still deep inside feeling a niggle, I hired a private detective to find out what was really going on.

Eventually, two weeks of being ‘ghosted’ by him, worrying about the cancer he purported to being tested for, and having completely omitted to acknowledge my birthday despite having left it clear for a promised weekend in Paris, seven months of relationship ended with a little email about how difficult his life was and he had no more time for me. I replied that I was sorry, that whatever our relationship had diminished to, I was grateful for the good bits.

I was relieved.

The truth

It was too late to call off the investigators, they’d started work: he was living with a woman near Fareham, in a house he’d supposedly rented out. I sent him a choice text and moved on. To stop anyone else getting duped by him, I posted some of our pictures up on Facebook, a rare ‘public’ post, pointing out his marital situation and where he was living – not in the mess on a naval base or with mother.

The man had no more loved me than a politician kissing a baby. Awful truths started to crawl daily out of the woodwork. Alan Ayckbourn would be hard pushed to make up some of it, especially the Master Mariners event, where at least three women had wanted to attend. But the sadder stories were what he’d done to his family. I was just one in a string of women that he’d groomed into relationships.

I had consented to a physical relationship only after extracting an explicit promise of him being unmarried and not dating anyone else. That he had a clean bill of sexual health. He had lied to obtain that consent, was married, had multiple other partners simultaneously, and  had lied about his sexual status, putting me at risk.

My reward for loving Mr W was planned suicide (fortunately not acted on), a police harassment notice, and now a civil law suit because his wife claims to have suffered enough to need three months off work. He apparently bears no blame for this. It’s my fault for naming him.

I am no longer the person I was. He’s eaten at my self esteem. I doubt I’ll ever date again. How can I? The only person I’ve loved in over 30 years was never real, just a mind game.

Looking back through our conversations for the police and for my solicitors, he laced the clues,  lured me in to hurt me. He won the mind game.

Grooming is very different from an affair. Mr W only ever wanted me to break my own moral codes, to use his “theatre of the mind” to push my boundaries. I am shamed that he succeeded, in more ways than I’ll admit here.

But I’ll use that shame and disgust to make sure that people like him – men and women alike, are no longer allowed to hurt others legally. My explicit consent matters as much as money. More.

Too many victims end up further victimised when they speak out. He, meanwhile, and others like him, continue to re-offend with impunity.

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How to spot a Catfish-the red flags and warning signs

When we’re wading through the online dating profiles, avoiding all the spammers and lovebots that aim to lure you to another site hoping you’ll subscribe to other services and consequently line scammers pockets…how do you also navigate the overwhelming amount of unknown fake profiles on the dating platforms or social media?

Knowledge is powerful. Being aware that Catfish scams (and individuals) exist is most important. It will put you on guard when you come across anything that is mirroring these types of situations. Read about the types of Financial Scam Catfish and Personal Catfish  in my posts. There are however, common tactics used by most Catfish. You can help get through the minefield by checking out a few red flags:

Who’s photo?
If their profile picture looks staged, like it should be in a catalogue or looks like a model, it probably is. Actors from other countries are also popular choices as they are mainly unknown over here. Run the image through a search engine like ‘Tineye’ or Google reverse image search. Screen grab the image, crop any outside bits off if necessary and then upload it. If it comes back showing the picture on lots of websites, you know it has been used elsewhere and is not a personal photo. Just remember that some fraudsters may be using another person’s social media photo and these won’t necessarily show in a reverse image search. Having only 1 photo is another little flag. If questioned and they respond with  ‘I can only upload onto Whatsapp right now… ‘ be aware. Any military profile pictures should be viewed with caution too. This is one of the most common cover stories for scammers.

Let’s exchange numbers!
They’ll try and move the conversation onto a different platform, usually something like Whatsapp, Kik or Email. This is for a few reasons. Scammers know that anti scam technology software on the sites will likely pick up trends in conversation and shut down the profile. If they move you away they can continue undetected. Other reasons that a personal Catfish will want you off the app, is so they can continue grooming targets without the risk of you catching them. Once you’ve met up or have confirmation they are genuine then you may feel more comfortable to talk to them on another channel. But don’t feel pressured to give them your phone number if you don’t feel ready.

You are so open an honest!
Catfish profiles (or messages sent on Social Media) tend to be very full on, giving away the hopes of the relationship they seek from start to finish. If there is an over use of the words loyal, genuine, trustworthy or ‘God fearing’, looking for a soulmate and someone to marry with the love of children, this should alert you. Genuine profiles are usually fun and only hinting at what you are like and looking for. 

It’s all about you and too good to be true…
If you reply to a message and it’s a Catfish, the chances are you will be ‘love bombed’.  They ask lots of questions about you but don’t give much information in return. They are reading you at this point, taking notes, earning your trust. Often fraudsters will spend time looking at your social media profiles and pictures to get to know you better so it seems like they are your perfect match and you have lots in common. They will fall head over heels for you very quickly and will be very full on from an early stage. This aims to get the other person ‘hooked’ as quickly as possible. It may seem like you’ve found your soulmate and your perfect partner but it’s best to edge on the side of caution. If things seem too good to be true, it’s likely they are!  You may hear phrases like:

‘I can’t believe we’ve been so lucky to find one another…’ Many will tell you they’ve never experienced that level of connection with someone else before.

It may seem like they are genuinely interested in you but it’s best to be a little cautious if they are asking question after question but keeping their own details private. Dating is about getting to know another person – if they’re genuine and have nothing to hide they shouldn’t be afraid to answer your questions. Things should move slowly…

Reverse psychology
Do they over emphasise how honest, loyal and committed they are? If so, this could be a warning they’re a fraudster, as they’re using reverse psychology. This plays a big part in their game. It throws you off guard and has you doubting yourself.

Mine told me how he thought ‘cheaters’ were disgusting (he knew it had happened to me before), he said of a friend who’s boyfriend was caught sending emails to someone else, ‘tell her to get rid of him babe, he’s a baddun’. This all consolidated in my mind (as we sat watching a movie, munching on cashews) that he would never do that to me. Little did I know that as we spoke, he was doing exactly this to his wife and several other women as well.

Money, money, money…
Asking for money will soon follow if they are a scammer. They may be subtle or outright. Cover stories will tell of a difficult time or disaster.  Good people falling on hard times. But anyone asking for money that you haven’t met in person or know well is not someone to be chatting with, however big the disaster. They play on kind people.

Sextortion or Personal Catfish.
Similarly to money, anyone asking for intimate photos, videos (or webcams) before you meet would be considered disrespectful of someone really interested in a proper relationship. This may start with them asking for ‘sexy chat’ but will progress quickly. Although sex was part of the motivation for mine too, he was very different in that he was patient and had read me well, there was never a push on me for anything. He evolved his tactics to suit the target. 

Some are just in this for the thrill of the power, deception and control over someone else whilst playing their games. These are harder to spot BUT… if your gut instinct says something isn’t right then listen!

Not everyone who exhibits the above traits and warning signs is a catfish, but it’s best to be sure.

 Be safe.
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Setting up your own profile – the good the bad and precautions to take!

Before you embark on your journey into the online dating scene, there are a few precautions you should take. Some seem blatantly obvious, some less so but whatever the case, it’s got to better, to be informed and safe, than sorry and not safe. Under each numbered point here, I will give a reason for why this is important in Italics!

Until now, I’d never been much of a Social Media junkie. All I had was my Facebook account and that was limited to close friends and family. I barely used it, didn’t have the time or energy to post lots. Everything was set at private except the profile pictures, or so I thought….

1. Ensure your social media is ALL set to private (and only have showing, general info, on your public viewable cover pages). 

My Facebook, as an account was all set to private. I had made sure it was when I set it up years ago. What I had missed over time was, that the likes and groups I followed after this could be seen.

When I started seeing ‘Antony’, he seemed to like so many things that I did. For example, we both had a crazy love of our childhood favourite TV programme ‘The Waltons’. We used to watch old episodes of this when he came to see me. He claimed his sister Liz was named after Elizabeth and was glad his parents hadn’t named him ‘John Boy’ We also discussed our love of ‘Only Fools and Horses’. We seemed to like the same music too. 

When I found his Facebook, being a bit nosey and doing a little check, despite it being private (and he said he didn’t really use his much either) sure enough, there were likes for some of the things I liked too, as well as things he had told me about his work etc… there was even a website for ‘wedding packages’ at an Italian resort. OMG was he really serious when he asked me to marry him! I hadn’t told him I’d found his Facebook account so I was shocked to see this! 

When I discovered that ‘Antony’ wasn’t who he said he was and I got a friend to unfriend me and look at my profile, my likes were clearly showing. He had found me too (he never said either) and I’m 99.9% sure that he had researched and written down things I liked as a method of grooming to make it seem that we were ‘meant to be’ with all the things we liked the same. It wouldn’t have been too hard for him to do this. Over the 3 months before we met in person, he had built trust for me to tell him my surname. My profile picture was the same as one on the dating app and he knew (not my address but) which city I lived in. I’ve never had a big digital footprint. The most I had ever appeared on a ‘google search’ was an electoral roll search for 1 year. 

2. Photos. The worst bit for me. I hate having my photo taken. 

My library of photographs (of me) was about 4. I had one from a year previous and my Facebook profile picture that I had used for 5 years and then the others were silly. One of me in a wheelbarrow as a kid aged 7 (showing I could be a ‘tom boy’ too) and another when I had a horse.

These had to do. I wouldn’t take ‘selfies’ it made me feel sick and there were no others.

Looks wise these weren’t an issue. I haven’t changed looks wise from the ‘adult me’ pictures. They were as good as they were going to get and a fair representation of me. My children were not in the pictures.

What these may have done was give ‘Antony’ the impression I had money. Not the wheelbarrow, the horse. I had actually had to sell my horse when I got my first mortgage and a husband. Couldn’t afford both (should have kept the horse). Later, after the press, 3 of the other women had horses in their profile pictures and/or dogs. There is a famous quote by Immanuel Kant that says “He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.” Was our groomer using the inclusion of our beloved pets in our pictures, as a guide that we love others more than ourselves? Did this make us a better target? (What is really quite disturbing, is that he had this exact quote on his ‘real’ Linked In page when I discovered his true identity. Like many of the other likes of quotes like these, it is all part of his ‘mask’ for his family, friends and colleagues).

I’ve read too that having a photo of you in your house (with a lot of background showing) can help a groomer read you and your situation. Books you read on show behind you can have the same effect as the Facebook likes or Followers/Following list on Instagram. No ID tags with name and work place showing or proudly showing off the sign painted vehicle, advertising your new business or fancy car with your registration showing! Be wary of what you are showing people other than yourself.

Try to have a recent set of photos just for the purpose of this dating profile. That way, no one can track you by doing a reverse image search on your photos which may identify you at your work Christmas party where you are tagged on a friends public social media page (for example). Also, what is the point of starting off with a lie? You are who you are and be proud of it.

3. Choose a suitable profile/user name (if it’s not generated from your Facebook profile-which will not be a fake one set up for this purpose).

Again here, choose a name that you do not use on any other Social Media. That way, a search of that user name will not bring up your profile on any other Social Media search areas, where you could then be open for grooming again (or stalking). Make sure it is appropriate and not too flirty/suggestive if you want to attract the right kind of attention.

4. Word content and ‘selling yourself’.

Most important is DO NOT INCLUDE ANY PERSONAL DETAILS OR INFORMATION. Most sites have an algorithm that prevents you from entering emails, other user names or phone numbers but be sensible and don’t try to cheat it. The same goes here as photos as far as safety. Don’t discuss work places or company names and definitely not details of your children. Be honest about what you like and what you are looking for. Do be realistic and try to avoid cliches. If you are finding this bit tricky, ask a friend to write it with you or for you.

5. Finally.

Do a dummy run on yourself by looking at the profile you have created (or get a friend to). Run the Google image search/TinEye reverse image search on your pictures, take areas of information in your wording and do a search on the internet to see if anything comes back to identify you with your user name or first name if generated by Facebook.  Most people are genuine but there are too many now who are not. Be safe.