Tag: online dating

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The shocking truth about Tinder! It’s more than just a Hook-Up app!

Dating Apps and Websites-What can you expect?

For those that have never explored the world of online dating it can appear like a cattle market and certain online dating sites seem to hold more Kudos as ‘better’ than others.

After the break up of the relationship with my children’s father and after waiting over 2 years before feeling in a better place to try again with someone new, I thought I’d give online dating a try. I was a single mum with 2 children, the youngest less than 2 years old and I was back at work part time as a teacher, which has a lot more hours than most think.

It seemed like an ideal way to start communicating with the other sex again. It would afford me the opportunity to have 10 minutes here and there  to scan over a few profiles and see if anyone sparked an interest, whilst not investing too much of my valuable free time and limited funds on dates with people I could have nothing in common with (should I magically find someone to go on a date with, being a single mum with 2 kids, 100% of the time the ordinary way that is). This way, I could interact with others myself, or chat with those that messaged me and this phase could last for as short or long as I wanted, dependent on how the banter was flowing and how our interests/views/values/morals matched. This bit was very important to me. I absolutely wanted to know that there was potential longevity through having a fairly lengthy communication period before I took the step to meet someone in person.

I know what I’m like as a person. I haven’t fallen in love many times in my life but, when I do, I fall fast and I fall hard-my relationships have all been long term. I have the opposite of an Attachment Disorder; I get attached to people very quickly-there is nothing I can do about this and it’s not just in romantic situations. New friends too, if I get on with someone, I will do anything I can to help them out. My close friends know they can rely on me. I believe there are some that I don’t know that well that will say the same. I have a strange and overwhelming sense of loyalty to people I’m ‘in a relationship with’. I’ll always give 100%. Do I let this show in romantic relationships from the get go? No, not at all. I would nearly always wait for the other person to show their hand first before I would reciprocate that knowledge.

Having a slightly detached way of getting to know someone in the first instance was good for me. It allowed me to be less attached before taking the next step.

The first dating website I tried was Guardian Soulmates. It seemed to have the most credibility. Each month I tried a new one. I wanted to get a feel of them and the kind of people using them. E Harmony, Match, Elite Singles, I tried them all and very quickly realised that, most of the faces were the same, on every site. A neighbour was also looking to date again so together, we tried a new website attached to Facebook-this one was Zoosk. It was the first website that seemed to make sense. I paid a month subscription and quickly started chatting with some nice guys. A few weeks in and A LOT of cheesy chat-up lines later, someone was pushing to meet up. I have to say I wasn’t feeling it from his pictures, nor his profile really. I’m not a looks person but there has to be ‘something’. Eight weeks later and after laughing a lot over jokes and shared stories I gave myself a kick and said ‘if he makes you laugh that much, it’s got to be worth meeting up’. It was the first date I ever agreed to. A few weeks later, he drove from Sussex to Kent and I met him for lunch. As I walked down the high street, I chanted to myself ‘please let there be a spark’. I walked up behind him as he stood outside our agreed meeting place, tapped him on the shoulder and said ‘Hello Mr P’. He turned around and instantly I knew the spark was there. We talked for over two hours before ordering lunch and it was over two and half years later that we said goodbye due to circumstances beyond our control. We still chat from time to time though.

A year on, I thought it was time to venture into something new. I went straight back to Zoosk. There were some new faces, A LOT of old faces and I quickly had lots of messages. I never went on any dates arranged from that month’s subscription but I am still friends with three guys I got on really well with.

Tinder had just hit my radar. I was hearing mixed reviews. Some said it was a Hook-Up app, others said it had moved past these initial reviews. There were also friends and friends-of-friends that were in long term relationships, or even married, from this website. I decided to take a look. It was easy to set up on my mobile through Facebook. I set some parameters-distance and age then started to swipe. I quickly noticed the same old faces from all the other websites! Also there were people I know that work in the police and friends from FB, and the profiles also showed if you had mutual friends on FB so you could go and ask questions about what they were really like first. The guys I had made friends with from Zoosk were also on there and so was Mr P. There was plenty of space for a decent sized written profile and many people specified what it was they were looking for. Some men with a headless profile picture or poster picture, admitted to being married and only looking for fun. Other profiles stated they were only looking for friendship being new in the area and others that were looking for something more meaningful.

I went back and ensured this too was really clear on my profile.

I didn’t match with many on Tinder. I wasn’t a serial swiper, and very picky about who I swiped right on. I only matched with probably 15/20 people over the period of four months. I stayed chatting with around five of them-the others, the banter wasn’t there or it was very quickly apparent that we had nothing in common. I went on three dates-one was grim. The other two were lovely and I had, as always got to know them for a while before we met in person. I’m still in touch with one. Then I matched with ‘Antony Ray’ my Catfish, BUT, there are some really nice people on Tinder. It gets a bad rap.

The understanding of what a real Hook-Up App is, is very misunderstood. Researching over the last few months I’ve seen some that would count as real ones and pornographic isn’t the word.

I was sacked from my job when I went public with my story to promote my petition. You can sign here . I was told I had “bought the school into disrepute”. The Head Teacher sat there and looked at me in disgust as she said “It said you met on Tinder. It mentioned the word sex”. She was one of those that judged without knowing anything. But don’t take my word for it -read this great article about Tinder by Antonio Borrello, PhD. I couldn’t have said it better myself!

Read his post here

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Catfish conviction, this time a women.

This catfish (Adele Rennie), a woman posing as a man this time, groomed, exploited and abused several women targets over a period of 4 years. She used Facebook as well as dating platforms to lure her victims into false relationships, gaining trust and empathy (the family member dying of cancer), to finally exploit the targets for sex chat and sexual images. Posing sometimes as a Dr David Crolla, Dr David Graham or Matthew Mancini, she left her victims feeling anxious and humiliated.

Read the story here

It seems the Solicitors Regulation Authority (SRA) and our Catfishes employer should look to the NHS directors here for advice and training in how to deal with employees like this:

Professor Hazel Boreland, nurse director at NHS Ayrshire & Arran, said: “We were alerted to serious misconduct issues, immediately suspended the individual and conducted a full investigation.

“This individual never returned to NHS Ayrshire & Arran following suspension and we reported our concerns both to Police Scotland and the Nursing and Midwifery Council.”

This article shows her conviction. Judge jailed Rennie for 22 months, made her the subject of a five-year non-harassment order and placed her on the sex -offenders register for 10 years.

Read the conviction/sentencing here

Our catfish displayed this behaviour too. He even went as far as coming off line, pursuing these relationships in full. By that I mean he abused and exploited us for sex in person. But our catfish has walked away unscathed-is this because this type of behaviour from a man is seen historically as acceptable? Just a CAD having a bit of fun? Not to us it wasn’t.

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Just a bit of fun or sexual abuse? Why some Catfish are cowardly and clever sexual abusers.

On Friday when you are 15 years and 364 days old, you are covered by grooming legislation as a child. On Saturday (according to some police) you have nothing to protect you against these abusers.

I’ve been reading in horror, about all of these sexual abuse cases. The news, press and Social Media are full of all these horrific experiences that women, men (and children) have been through. The sad truth tho, is that the National Crime Agency (NCA) have statistics that claim 85% of reported sexual abuse cases show women as the victims.

Quite rightly, any act of sexual grooming and abuse against a child is legislated against BUT far too much still needs to be done for the upholders of the law to actually act on the appropriate legislation and stop failing these child victims.

So what happens when you reach 16? What legislation is there to protect you when you have been groomed and targeted by an individual or group who wish to exploit you for intimate sexual pictures, or videos or for sex itself?

The majority of the sexual abuse cases we are hearing about have been committed by someone who is known to that/those individuals. Some of the time that person is in a position of power or a position of trust over that individual, an employer or carer maybe. The abuse may be actioned in the work environment or it may be in an ‘off duty situation’.

What happens if a woman goes on a date? She meets the guy online, they chat for a while, have lots in common and then decide to meet. They go out for a meal and the woman wakes up in a room she doesn’t know, having been given a date rape drug. She knows that something is wrong, things have happened and she goes to the police to report that she has been raped. We’ve all heard of ‘Liar’ the acclaimed ITV series and seen how clever and manipulative these men are. We’ve seen the mask they use to convince those around them that they are kind, humble, grounded pillars of the community. The woman is a liar isn’t she? How could anyone ever think this devoted father and hard working individual in a position held of high esteem would ever do something like that?

For the police, there is still a path of legislation. They track the man in the profile and (as with other cases if they decide they will get a win from the prosecution)  he will be questioned and charged.

In February 2016 the NCA delivered a report which highlighted the emerging new threat of sexual offences, initiated through online dating. It can be found here.

The statistic shows the frightening increase in cases over a period of 5 years.  33 offences in 2009, 39 in 2010, 62 in 2011, 79 in 2012, 145 in 2013 and 184 in 2014. More frightening is the fact that when put in context of the amount of cases of sexual assault actually called in, its significance is increased dramatically when only 17% of instances are stated as being reported.

And ultimately, whether invited back immediately or after a period of getting to know each other,  72% of offences were committed at the victim’s or offender’s residence.

Online platforms have proven to provide abusers with easier opportunities than they would ever have had before. However, these sexual offences typically only happen the once per victim. The assault occurs and the offender is found out for what he is. If he gets away with not being reported-the ‘game’ will start again. The grooming, the targeting, the love bombing, the assault.  He will do the same to someone else.

BUT… what if that man is clever? What if he creates an entire fake online identity so that he can’t be found out when his game needs to be concluded? What if he’s not interested in a violent struggle for sex or drugging women who may be unresponsive to his touch? But his need, his addiction, is to be with as many women as he can. His thrill is the different experiences each woman brings. His thrill is knowing that he has deceived those women into believing he wants a ‘real relationship’ with them. His deception gives his game longevity. It gives him control over the other person. ‘He’s a decent guy looking for something long term. He’s not into hook ups, doesn’t want to be one of those guys who uses women to just get laid’.

He carries out his deception. He grooms his targets, he builds the trust, he walks into these women’s lives, their homes. Sex becomes part of that ‘loving’ relationship. He can, under the guise of his deceit, manipulate that women to behave as he wants her to behave.

The relationship is great at first, he is everything to you. The intimate times are passionate and completely in line with the ‘relationship’ you believe you are in, along with any emotion spinning story he has told you to gain empathy and keep you hooked. But then, however many weeks or months later, something goes wrong. He isn’t acting the same anymore, things are becoming strained, he is pulling away and then, as quickly as it started he’s gone.

You then discover he doesn’t exist. You discover this man has been doing the same thing for a long time. He has been doing the same thing to several other women at the same time as you. He was constantly online grooming for his next targets, as this is all part of the thrill he so loves.

He was never in the ‘relationships’ he just wanted an easy way to get sex. No struggle, no drugs, but a ‘bank’ of women who gave him that ‘honeymoon period’ adoration and a familiar homely environment to use and abuse them until he had the next lot hooked and in place to renew his thrill seeking.

What about that man? That man is a Catfish.

His mens rea, is proven by the  premeditated act of creating a fake identity to deceive and groom women without (he hopes) being discovered.  He never divulges his real identity or his true intent to his targets.

His actus reus, his voluntary act that is in itself wrongful or leads to a wrongful result is proved as he comes off line to pursue the ‘relationship/abuse’ he groomed women for. This was his intent and this was his action.

The women they groom mean nothing to them. They are merely a vessel for  sexual gratification and thrill of power and control.

By the time it is too late, the abuser has gone.  You can’t trace who he really is, this man who manipulated and deceived and used and abused you. The man who online, still has his fake social media, but  now doesn’t reply to any of the emails, the Skype calls, or the texts or phone-calls and unless like me you get lucky, you won’t ever find who they really are for any sort of closure.

Thousands of women (and some men) are being abused in this way every year. I am one of 11 so far for this 1 man. We hadn’t even realised what he was. It was only when we talked and pieced puzzles pieces together, the enormity of his deceit became visible. But we did all this between us. Not the police.

Like other sexual abuse initiated online, the police are aware and more so, that only a fraction of the cases of this nature are being reported. This Catfish behaviour adds an extra layer of humiliation and distress to the already understood abuse, for the victim.

BUT the police won’t prosecute this clever and cowardly Catfish for his sexual abuse. They say no legislation exists.

So when, on your 16th birthday, in the eyes of the law you become an adult, these men who were called ‘child groomers’ yesterday when they exhibited this exact behaviour, can now do this with no consequence.

Just a bit of fun or abusing women for sex?

More about hoped for legislation in a later blog.

 

 

 

 

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Regulation and the Dating Industry. What’s out there?

In the rapid growing industry of online dating, concerns should also be growing over the lack of regulation for the entire industry. The worries published about the lack of responsibility taken by the companies in this industry have been inking the press for years yet nothing seems to have been done?

As part of my campaign moving forward, my goal is to get legal regulation (not self regulation) for all current and future dating platforms to truly protect the users. This should include non-UK based companies legally obliged to comply with our laws if operating a service within our country (even if parts of that service are processed outside the UK). What industry specific regulation is there?

First, I needed to work out what regulation if any was actually in place at the moment.

Here is what I found.

There are 3 general cross industry laws that apply to all companies. These are:

These apply to the dating companies too. However, the ODA claim they decided to take a closer look and define these for their industry:

The Online Dating Association is an organisation founded by 13 leading ‘players’ (all voluntary). They claim to want to take responsibility for the ONLINE dating sector to protect consumers. Members that follow their ‘ODA Code’ of Conduct can display the ODA logo on their dating platform.

The ODA states:

The Online Dating Association Code of Practice (“ODA Code”) is binding on members of the Association. It sets out what is expected of members under a series of key headings:

  •   General Rules (unregulated)
  •   Honest and clear communications (Marketing and Advertising)
  •   Protection of the user (software used for money fraud scammers, operating internationally in the main, like Scamalytics)
  •   Delivering to meet user needs (Consumer Rights)
  •   Protecting data and privacy (Data Protection)

‘The feeling within the sector in the last few years was that it was time we took some collective responsibility for our market and our users as well as exercising responsibility as individual service providers.

In summer 2013 a group of dating site providers took and acted on the advice that this is a market where players should not rely solely on the framework of privacy, data and consumer law to protect the market and those in it.

The law and regulations applicable to the sector clearly matter and should be respected. But laws and regulations have to deal with the generality of industries and businesses to which they apply and our statutory regulators are often thinly stretched and not able to do much other than react to consumer harms.

We, like other sectors, saw the need to give regulations “life” and to draw out, highlight and give meaning to those that particularly matter for online daters. The ODA aims to pre-empt and prevent problems by testing members against our Code of Practice before they can come into membership – and afterwards.’

They go on to state that:

‘Our Code of Practice and our advice for the public on the best and safe use of services was published in December 2013. The Code is short, simple and outcomes-based. It focuses on the core issues for users: the clarity and honesty of the services offered, the protection of user’s personal information, the proper operation of services and the advice and help we give users to make dating as enjoyable and safe as possible.’

Isn’t this simply the current ‘must have’ legal regulation across all industries with some ‘advice tips’ thrown in?

Back in 2013 when the ODA was founded it claimed that:

The Code which will help ensure compliance to existing laws and regulations and it will set the bar higher.  It will be anchored in a set of principles, with supporting rules and guidance:

* Being honest and clear in what you offer (Advertising)
* Meeting expectations and deliver what you promise (Consumer)
* Protecting people’s data and their privacy (Data)
* Protecting our users from harm, deception and loss

So here too, the first 3 standards are ‘general industry’ regulations.

But the 4th claims protection from harm, deception and loss. The ODA haven’t replied to my email on which ‘regulation’ this actually is, other than mere ‘advice for dating safely online‘ and what consequences are in place to the members who don’t comply? A news article on How to stay safe when online dating gives 6 key points of how to stay safe but the DateGreat:DateSafe link is broken.

All I can do is find this in their code. The part of the code that details this is here:

Section 3. Protection of the User (these sub clauses are pertinent to fake profiles)

3.4 ODA Members must have policies and arrangements to prevent misuse or inappropriate use of their services.

3.5 ODA Members must ensure all User profiles are checked and that appropriate arrangements exist to detect fraudulent or misleading Profiles and inappropriate content and to remove any such Profiles from the site as soon as possible.

3.6 ODA Members must not themselves create fake Profiles or knowingly allow Users or any other party to create and post fake Profiles. If ODA Members create Profiles for testing or other administrative purposes this should be done in ways that ensure Users are in no doubt over the nature of such Profiles.

I thought I would test out a company affiliated with the ODA and it’s ‘ODA Code’- Match.com

I decided to set up a fak(ish) profile. What hurdles would I come across? What verification was there in place to ensure the information I was giving them was correct? (3.4 & 3.5)

The results. I used a rarely used email of mine from years ago that required no verification. I used the name Lisa, I copied and pasted a photo from the internet and used that as the profile picture. I waited while the 15 minutes passed for the photo to be verified, mean while I ticked the boxes they wanted about my preferences and hair colour and length. Obviously more important than if I was actually real, married or a convicted rapist. Before the photo had even passed the process I was able to browse the online sea of faces. I clicked the email about activating my account and BINGO! complete. It’s that easy. 2 minutes later the email arrived to say the photo had been verified. Fak(ish) profile success (I then suspended the account).

What did Match.com do that followed the rules and ‘high standards’ set out by the ODA? Nothing. In fact recent research revealed that Match.com came joint second for crimes probed by Durham constabulary between 2011 and 2016.

Their response to my query,  regarding these principles is that it isn’t their responsibility because they state in their T&C’s that the user must provide accurate information. They simply store that information correctly and accurately.

Match also featured heavily in the recent Channel 5 documentary ‘Murder on the Internet’ An almost identical response was received by them from Match when questioned.

So, I’m a rapist who wants to groom and abuse women using their Website as my sweetshop. I can fill in anything I like on that profile. NOTHING is checked. What a great way to exploit women. The sad facts are that although this does happen to men too, statistics show that women are exploited at a ratio of approximately 80:20 the police say sexual abuse cases are more 85:15.

Just recently the dating website secondwife.com has been publicised in the Daily Mail  and has made headlines as it blatantly flouts U.K. law promoting bigamy. What is being done to stop this? Nothing. The man who runs the website set this up in Dubai where Sharia Law exists. However, this is being allowed to operate in our country too. Not only does this flout U.K. law but is putting women and girls at risk of abusive and DV relationships and completely undermines the decades of hard work to secure equality for women. This site also claims FULL VERIFICATION -no fake profiles as a feature. HOW exactly?

The police say:

‘Pretty much all other businesses have a regulation / compliance function or some kind of consortium that they have to address if things go wrong. But not the dating sites.

The ODA do encourage good practice and seek to push for good simple alert mechanisms and we are pushing for a cross board date safe kite mark on all sites.

But as you know, the sites operate globally, the rewards are good for the big players and they don’t want to alarm potential customers by swamping the adventure with law enforcement based warnings and jargon.’

Andrew, CE of the ODA did kindly take an hour to chat on the phone with me (after several emails over the months) where I tried to impress the importance of getting better verification in place across the industry. I stressed I realise this is not an overnight issue to be solved and that I wanted knowledge to enable me to put viable suggestions that work for everyone (as they are businesses) to take forward. I came away with the understanding that I would be invited to meet with their members when the occasions occur, but they fell at the first hurdle and no response to my email asking why they didn’t feel it appropriate for the meeting just gone. Mmmmm.

I wonder if the law changed to say that this Industry could be sued for negligence when things go wrong, if a ‘verification process’ would materialise?

Amber Rudd is currently pushing for better security online to help combat  terrorism. Dating websites are a great place to begin the process of radicalisation if the criminals choose to use them on vulnerable people. But why should it stop there? Money fraud aside, women are being exploited by men still in this decade for self gratification and yes the parameters of this exploitation online are vast. Too many of societie’s attitudes are that this behaviour is ok. Why is it ok? It is becoming normalised because the police are choosing not to put forward cases that mean they have to work at it, cases that are not black and white-to keep their stats good. Cases that now involve the use of technology are moving in the right direction with fake profiles and revenge porn and trolling legislation (more still needs to be done as far as the convictions taking place) but the  judicial system is rarely faced with unusual or different cases as the CPS don’t let them, making this appear publicly that this exploitation ok and doable. Moving backwards in equality? Very much.

 

 

 

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Setting up your own profile – the good the bad and precautions to take!

Before you embark on your journey into the online dating scene, there are a few precautions you should take. Some seem blatantly obvious, some less so but whatever the case, it’s got to better, to be informed and safe, than sorry and not safe. Under each numbered point here, I will give a reason for why this is important in Italics!

Until now, I’d never been much of a Social Media junkie. All I had was my Facebook account and that was limited to close friends and family. I barely used it, didn’t have the time or energy to post lots. Everything was set at private except the profile pictures, or so I thought….

1. Ensure your social media is ALL set to private (and only have showing, general info, on your public viewable cover pages). 

My Facebook, as an account was all set to private. I had made sure it was when I set it up years ago. What I had missed over time was, that the likes and groups I followed after this could be seen.

When I started seeing ‘Antony’, he seemed to like so many things that I did. For example, we both had a crazy love of our childhood favourite TV programme ‘The Waltons’. We used to watch old episodes of this when he came to see me. He claimed his sister Liz was named after Elizabeth and was glad his parents hadn’t named him ‘John Boy’ We also discussed our love of ‘Only Fools and Horses’. We seemed to like the same music too. 

When I found his Facebook, being a bit nosey and doing a little check, despite it being private (and he said he didn’t really use his much either) sure enough, there were likes for some of the things I liked too, as well as things he had told me about his work etc… there was even a website for ‘wedding packages’ at an Italian resort. OMG was he really serious when he asked me to marry him! I hadn’t told him I’d found his Facebook account so I was shocked to see this! 

When I discovered that ‘Antony’ wasn’t who he said he was and I got a friend to unfriend me and look at my profile, my likes were clearly showing. He had found me too (he never said either) and I’m 99.9% sure that he had researched and written down things I liked as a method of grooming to make it seem that we were ‘meant to be’ with all the things we liked the same. It wouldn’t have been too hard for him to do this. Over the 3 months before we met in person, he had built trust for me to tell him my surname. My profile picture was the same as one on the dating app and he knew (not my address but) which city I lived in. I’ve never had a big digital footprint. The most I had ever appeared on a ‘google search’ was an electoral roll search for 1 year. 

2. Photos. The worst bit for me. I hate having my photo taken. 

My library of photographs (of me) was about 4. I had one from a year previous and my Facebook profile picture that I had used for 5 years and then the others were silly. One of me in a wheelbarrow as a kid aged 7 (showing I could be a ‘tom boy’ too) and another when I had a horse.

These had to do. I wouldn’t take ‘selfies’ it made me feel sick and there were no others.

Looks wise these weren’t an issue. I haven’t changed looks wise from the ‘adult me’ pictures. They were as good as they were going to get and a fair representation of me. My children were not in the pictures.

What these may have done was give ‘Antony’ the impression I had money. Not the wheelbarrow, the horse. I had actually had to sell my horse when I got my first mortgage and a husband. Couldn’t afford both (should have kept the horse). Later, after the press, 3 of the other women had horses in their profile pictures and/or dogs. There is a famous quote by Immanuel Kant that says “He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.” Was our groomer using the inclusion of our beloved pets in our pictures, as a guide that we love others more than ourselves? Did this make us a better target? (What is really quite disturbing, is that he had this exact quote on his ‘real’ Linked In page when I discovered his true identity. Like many of the other likes of quotes like these, it is all part of his ‘mask’ for his family, friends and colleagues).

I’ve read too that having a photo of you in your house (with a lot of background showing) can help a groomer read you and your situation. Books you read on show behind you can have the same effect as the Facebook likes or Followers/Following list on Instagram. No ID tags with name and work place showing or proudly showing off the sign painted vehicle, advertising your new business or fancy car with your registration showing! Be wary of what you are showing people other than yourself.

Try to have a recent set of photos just for the purpose of this dating profile. That way, no one can track you by doing a reverse image search on your photos which may identify you at your work Christmas party where you are tagged on a friends public social media page (for example). Also, what is the point of starting off with a lie? You are who you are and be proud of it.

3. Choose a suitable profile/user name (if it’s not generated from your Facebook profile-which will not be a fake one set up for this purpose).

Again here, choose a name that you do not use on any other Social Media. That way, a search of that user name will not bring up your profile on any other Social Media search areas, where you could then be open for grooming again (or stalking). Make sure it is appropriate and not too flirty/suggestive if you want to attract the right kind of attention.

4. Word content and ‘selling yourself’.

Most important is DO NOT INCLUDE ANY PERSONAL DETAILS OR INFORMATION. Most sites have an algorithm that prevents you from entering emails, other user names or phone numbers but be sensible and don’t try to cheat it. The same goes here as photos as far as safety. Don’t discuss work places or company names and definitely not details of your children. Be honest about what you like and what you are looking for. Do be realistic and try to avoid cliches. If you are finding this bit tricky, ask a friend to write it with you or for you.

5. Finally.

Do a dummy run on yourself by looking at the profile you have created (or get a friend to). Run the Google image search/TinEye reverse image search on your pictures, take areas of information in your wording and do a search on the internet to see if anything comes back to identify you with your user name or first name if generated by Facebook.  Most people are genuine but there are too many now who are not. Be safe.

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The Personal Catfish

What is a Personal Catfish?

It seems these Catfish are the lesser known of their type in the UK, as financial fraudsters using Catfishing as a platform for their ill gotten gains, get much more press space and in some cases can be prosecuted if the sums of money are large enough under the Fraud Act 2006. Most warnings on dating websites and other are geared towards these financial fraudsters and their tactics but who is to say that the hurt and after math of a Personal Catfish is any less devastating? Despite this imbalance, the name Catfish came from these very same personal online romance scam Catfish. They can still be sub divided.

Unlike the Catfish of the financial fraud world, these catfish have a more ‘personal’ motive for doing what they do.

The grooming technique is the same for all Catfish, however some may be more experienced and efficient at it.

The Personal Catfish

It would be hard to believe that most people have not come across the term Catfish by now but where did this term come from? You can find out on my What is a ‘Catfish’? post. I’m sure there are many more categories but for the purpose here I’m subdividing into these:

  • self esteem
  • revenge
  • jokes
  • cyber sex
  • the offline Personal Catfish

Nev’s show has exposed some of these categories.

Self Esteem

As has been seen in numerous episodes of  ‘Catfish’, one of the motivators of hiding behind a fake profile and identity is the self esteem issues of the Catfish. Often, these individuals feel they are not worthy of having a relationship with ‘someone as handsome/beautiful’ as their target. They do not have the confidence to approach someone in person. So, they fulfil their fantasies online as someone else. Most of the time when uncovered, they can see the hurt they have caused, stringing out their target for years sometimes, making excuses as to why they can’t meet but hoping the romance can remain. Sometimes real feelings are reciprocated on both sides but in the main, the deceit, lies and broken trust means that the ‘relationship’ is over.

Revenge

These are nasty. Aiming at specific targets, these Catfish are only interested in one thing. Their purpose is to bestow hurt and humiliation on someone they feel has done them a wrong first. Maybe it was rejection in the relationship, maybe it is a family member or close friend that feels they have been betrayed in the past.

Jokes

As above, this form of Catfishing is equally nasty. Maybe known or unknown to the target, some individuals are simply bored and use this behaviour as a form of amusement and entertainment. Other people’s hurt doesn’t feature in their social skill set and they don’t see what they are doing as a problem. It’s just a bit of fun right? No it’s not.

Cyber Sex

This is where our Personal Catfish are upping the ante.

Using the same grooming techniques and love bombing, these Catfish may simply be miscreant versions of the revenge or joke Catfish, asking for intimate pictures/videos as part of the ‘joke’ which will add to the humiliation when the duping is exposed and worse as leverage for part of their game.  However, some set out to use this added level of  reprehensible behaviour as a way of getting their own needs met. Much like the behaviour of a paedophile who uses a fake profile to lure children into sexually explicit situations, these Catfish are after their own ‘gallery’ of images/videos from unsuspecting women/men.

Creating an online relationship gives an added level of power and excitement for the Catfish against simply looking at published pictures as they get to control and manipulate the target to ‘perform’ at their will under the guise of a relationship. Only if these pictures or videos are published online by the Catfish would our current legal system potentially prosecute under ‘revenge porn’ legislation. You can read about this here. If they simply ghost you when they have done with you or you find them out to be a fraud, the legal system will not touch them.

This kind of online emotional and or sexual abuse is not OK. Someone who sets up a fake profile with the intent to abuse and cause repeated emotional harm which may lead to physical harm is a bully. You can read more at the comprehensive Cyberbullying Research Centre  site here.

The offline Personal Catfish

So here is mine. Potentially the ‘new breed’ of Catfish? This one dares to come out of the ‘water’ to pursue his fictional relationship in the flesh.

After building trust over a period of time (if that’s what they read the situation as needing with that particular target) and using the love bombing technique to get you hooked and attached, these Personal Catfish make the move to meet face to face. Setting expectations of patterns as far as work time and parental responsibilities, also came in these early stages. With most of his targets, ours had a tried and tested plan of getting ‘you to to invite him’ for coffee as an initial meeting. This was something several of us experienced from him. Under the cover of their ‘fake identity’ this Catfish type behaves in the way any other person starting a relationship may do (as is the preference of life style to that particular couple). The cover of a job that takes them away regularly is usual it seems, so they can be in multiple relationships at once.

Whether the Catfish themself is actually single or married, one thing is for sure, any promises they make you, about wanting a committed, longterm and loving relationship are lies. Their only motive for doing this is to lull you into a false sense of security about them so that they have control over you to get what they want.

My offline personal Catfish had the intention of sticking around for a while. He wasn’t interested in creating this fantasy life for one night stands. He wanted the ‘illusion of the relationship’ he said he wanted as his fake self. That way he got the best from me/us. It also meant he had to be thorough and clever in creating his back story and have things to make his fake life seem real to us.

Not only did my Catfish have a fake Face Book account, which had a network of friends within it and was used to portray things he spoke about in his fake life i.e likes for business, music, tv shows he wanted you to think he liked the same as you (all part of the grooming process), he also had fake emails, Skype accounts and several other Social media platforms to back up his fake identity. He also had a dedicated phone for his alias. Were his actions premeditated? In every way. Did his life seem real? Very much. But he had been doing this for over a decade with this alias. He was very experienced in his execution and had evolved his practise over time. His real job meant he was away from his wife and family all week in London, only returning at weekends where even then he did have periods of time in Europe as he claimed he did regularly under his alias.

Mine also used ‘sob stories’ with all of us. He constantly had you feeling sorry for him. This was all part of the emotional manipulation. It meant we didn’t add to his stressful situation and portrayal of a good man going through difficult times.

What does this say about the person behind the Catfish?

Who is worse? I’m not deliberating on the outcome for the victim here, as financial fraud catfish victims will have 2 lots of trauma to deal with in their scenario (emotional and potentially large sums financially),  but the type of person that decides to ‘Catfish’? The catfish themselves can literally be anyone. Married, single, male or female posing as anyone they wish to be.

The financial fraudsters of the African scams (and similar) are doing this because they live such deprived lives, they see ‘Westerners’ as rich and privileged. I’m not making excuses, it’s wrong full stop but just observing the back grounds.  The Personal Catfish isn’t seeking money as their motivation. They are not all ‘Walter Mitty’ type characters, they can have it all, and simply exploit vulnerable people because they think it’s their right and they want more. Yet the law will only prosecute financial fraud. It’s one to think about.

Shockingly, there is virtually no research into the emotional impact on non-financial loss victims in these scenarios (particularly those that have been exploited for sexual use). Maybe with the help of those that have had similar non-financial loss experiences, we can start to do our own as a way to force the hand of the justice system to act on both counts?

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Romance Scams and Financial Fraud Catfish

Romance scams and financial fraud

A total of 3,889 victims were defrauded out of £39 million from online-dating fraud in 2016 according to the National Fraud Intelligence Bureau. The BBC reports .

African based romance scams-money fraud (419 Scams):

These seem to be the most prolific and mainly originate from West Africa, sited mostly are Nigeria, Ghana and the Ivory Coast where there are high rates of unemployment.

These highly efficient and organised groups are not how you may imagine a scam being executed in these countries.

Back in 2011 reformed scammer ‘Aje’ spoke to the Daily Mail and explained some of the process.

According to Aje, each operator juggles a number of accounts and uses popular dating websites. Often the cover story involves a fake photograph of an American or British soldier and a stolen credit card. Almost all fraudsters are men.

‘Each person has as many as six women at a time. We would search through dating websites such as Yahoo! personals, match.com and singlesnet.com and create an account, usually with stolen credit cards’.

‘The woman is, in most cases, desperate to get a man in her life. For those who are being a little difficult, you send a gift on a weekend with some nicely worded card.  Once the victim has fallen in love, the next thing is to tell her you are going on a short business trip to any part of the world. You call the victim and be romantic with her on the phone. Then, after some days, you ask her for money giving her some sob story, like you were robbed or forgot your money’.

These scammers have evolved from the first romance scams where handwritten letters were penned, this evolved to typed letters and then emails. The internet has made these scams a highly lucrative business. Now poorly verified dating application and social media website, sign up processes, allow for easy targeting of others through their platforms.

 

 

Nigerian Scammers at work. Cyber cafes may be the hubs. You can see them working from ‘a script’.

 

Some statistics state that an experienced scammer can rely on 1-2 replies per 1000 emails, that’s 2-3 victims per week. One has quoted ‘it’s 70% sure that you’ll get the money if you get a reply’.

They may work 6-8 hour shifts and the workers take on many different roles to keep the operation running smoothly.

Roles in the business include things like:

  • organisers -composing emails and mapping out the romances and constructing the fake profiles
  • crossovers-these sometimes come from legitimate government backgrounds and provide ID papers and documents it claims.
  • communicators-these establish the initial contact
  • executors-speak the foreign languages (but also a big clue as their grammar and construction of sentences are often not up to scratch)
  • psychologists-for the ‘difficult’ victims who are reluctant to accept the story
  • money movers-deal with hacked accounts and keep the money moving to its desired destination.

Overlaps/handovers in the accounts (victims) worked by these scammers may explain when details you have previously given seem forgotten by your new companion. This may also explain long periods of time when your messages go unanswered, if a phone is being shared by a group and  your handler is waiting to reply or is ‘off shift’.

These scammers are happy to be in this for the long haul if they think they are onto a winner. Reports are noted of weeks to years where scammers wait, building trust to ensure their victim will part with their money when asked. But one thing is certain…you may even chat with ‘someone’ on the phone on occasion BUT…you will never meet them in person. These online dating scammers remain very much online.

Money here is the end game. How they get this will depend on the scam.

The hooking, the building trust and the emotional manipulation will all be ‘text book’ in every case, financial or personal. However, the middle section of the scam may be different.  Some are detailed here:

  • The most popular scam is asking for money. This may start with small amounts to test the water. The sob story of needing money for a sick child, money to keep items in storage safe for when you get your house together on their return from overseas, maybe for a flight to come and see you. If you do this, the amount will escalate, ending up with asking you to share bank details or to cash cheques (which will be fraudulent) etc…or turning the victim into the criminal by money laundering.

The Daily Mail reported on some high loss scams using online dating in 2016. ‘The shocking rise of online dating fraud’ can be seen here.

  • Sextortion: The scam may involve blackmail. When you enter into a ‘relationship’ and build trust with this person over a long period of time, they may start asking for ‘hot pics’ or ‘sexy video time’ with you, all in the name of ‘keeping the long distance relationship alive’ or ‘getting to know you better’. There are cases now where these images and or videos are used as blackmail. Threats of sharing with friends, family, colleagues if money is not paid in return for the files. Of course their intention is never to give you the files but to keep extracting money from you with ongoing blackmail. Excuses will be made as to why you can’t see them in the video chat..’the lighting is bad, the computer is set up in the wrong part of the room, the camera on mine is broken’ or new technology where the fraudster will control a pre recorded video. Sextortion (webcam) based scams are said to originate in Morocco or the Philippines. Again the Ivory Coast is emerging.

Monica Whitty, a cyber-psychologist based at the University of Leicester wrote a detailed study on these romance scams involving money fraud. It can be found here.

The scammers of today are operating all over the world. They have seen the unchecked behaviour and how difficult it is for any victim to bring a prosecution (even if the scammer can be located) in our archaic and broken justice systems. Working across continents proves an impossible task in most instances.

Cover Stories

How will these fake profiles present themselves?

In the main it is reported that these scammers have presented themselves as Military Personnel, usually American. Military personnel will NEVER contact people through social media and ask for money. I’ve had my share of these on Twitter…Davis Peters is one, look out for him!  He didn’t read my bio. He carried on. I pointed out on his twitter feed that the picture he then used claiming he was ‘proud to be working with ‘his team’ of medical experts’,  was a Stock Image from the UK for the NHS, he blocked me. I did report this profile.

 

 

 

Others may claim to be God Fearing religious people, or highly successful business men/women. One thing is always constant…they seem to good to be true. Their profile pictures will be for men, smart, successful looking, good appearance but not necessarily model types, however the women versions tend to be very much ‘model worthy’ in appearance.

If you have encountered other types of romance scams with money fraud and you would like to help protect others by sharing your experience, please contact us on the GET IN TOUCH page.