Tag: tinder

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Changing the stigma around Romance Fraud.

Romance fraud victims have always been treated with contempt, belittled and held in the opinion of most (including those that should know better) as naive and gullible. The comments stamped out on a keyboard by the general public, towards those brave enough to share their experiences, inevitably have the tone of a bully, lashing out their vitriol towards those who found themselves broken in ways they never knew they could be.

So what it it about this particular fraud that makes those who may not have experienced it, so utterly vile towards those that have? Let’s break it down.

Victims of this fraud have many qualities, being stupid, naive or gullible are not those. There tends to be common trends of qualities yes; kind, empathetic, trustworthy, respectful, generous with heart and feelings and wanting to help others. What incredible qualities these are in a human today and certainly the sort of people you want to have around in your life, no?

So why are these exact qualities used as a way to victim blame and bully those who were targeted and exploited in these frauds, for holding these exact qualities as a natural part of who they are?

Don’t you think the victims do enough victim blaming of themselves?

In addition, there is often a trend of vulnerabilities which can be from past experiences, lack of self worth, culture, education, upbringing and even thinking this could never happen to them. Situational vulnerabilities can also play their part, such as being in a new place or country with no support network around you.

Now let’s turn to the victim blamers.

We have little to no respect for anyone who is willing to judge another without educating themselves about the issue at hand first, but then reading things on social media or in the news for example and just believing that at face value is a poor human trait.

Lack of education is definitely one of the major factors in victim blaming because people really don’t understand the complexities of these frauds. We know this, because having talked to many, many people who started with this attitude, when we start breaking down the fraud, the process, the manipulations, the technology, directing them to the academic research on the language used as well as the backgrounds and past experiences of some of the victims we have been privileged to help, there is silence. Silence is all we need to know, that they really didn’t understand about romance fraud at all. No, it isn’t some stupid sucker who handed over money to someone they didn’t know. Society can learn, just like the victims do. 

Media and those who share stories or advice, in the main, use language which is inherently victim blaming. Headlines will read, 

‘Women gave her life savings to someone she never met when she fell for whirlwind romance.’ 

Instead, the headline should read, 

‘Criminals targeted and exploited victim in a coercive, emotional fraud.’ 

We should be discussing these frauds with language which puts the blame solely with the criminals where it belongs. People don’t fall for crime, they are the victim.

Is it any wonder then, that these frauds are escalating at a rate faster than any other? Reporting is critically low at between 5-14%. The issue here is not just to do with previous lack of action from law enforcement, who battle lack of resources and a budget of just 1% prioritised to a 40% UK crime statistic but as much to do, with ignorant people who display aggressive societally created behaviour towards these victims. This behaviour silences and isolates victims and further empowers the criminals. 

How do we change this?  

We educate as many as we can (victims and society) so that the stigma disappears, awareness and reporting increases and the criminals finally start to take the hit.

People who are victims of these frauds, didn’t know these frauds exist. Every human being is made up of a set of unique DNA and experiences, out of their control. It’s these factors that will ultimately shape whether the fraud works on them or not and to what level.

And to those of you that want to keep blaming victims, remember that blaming others is just to make you feel better about yourself. Or is your disdain at those who were manipulated in this type of fraud actually just to convince yourself that you’re not going to be next?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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So you think you know about Yahoo Boys and Romance Scams? Part 4

Yahoo boys or Gee boys have their hands in with many scams. New ways of making quick money are being tested all the time and once something is found as successful, it will be shared amongst scammers in their world and used by everyone-they are known as ‘updates’.

Here are some of the current, popular scams to look out for:

Sugar Daddy/Mummy(Mommy)/Baby Scams

Social media profiles will be set up for Sugar Scams.

Scammers will use anyone’s pictures for these, they don’t need lots for the long game. They will be surfing for any profile picture on any profile to fit the bill. Some groups do love the beautiful Alexandra Rodriguez who is often used as ‘Mommy Heather’.

These scams work by drawing in people who are financially strapped with the premise of being ‘spoilt’ as a sugar baby. I’ve seen these pages target students too. How do the scammers make money? They tell you there is an attorney fee to set up the agreement. Not only that, they will collect your details of Cash App, PayPal or other ‘to pay the money to’ where they will attempt hacking for other scams. ‘Formats’ (in Part 1) are available to the scammers for these scams.

Grant Scams

Grant scams are ongoing and take advantage of any situation going on in that country, or world at the time. The current pandemic has been a blessing for the scammers in many ways. Bottom line here, no organisation handing out money in grants is going to randomly contact you over social media or ask people to contact others for them.

Always do your own research, do not click the link, message the email or text the number they give you. This holds for any text, email or phone call you receive. These details are pre-planned fake websites or call centres (they will reroute home country numbers which are readily available thanks to new services). You will simply be following their scam process. Always put your own search in and get a number/email independently.

 

 

They are collecting your information for identity theft (Social Security Numbers, National Insurance Numbers, bank details, phone numbers) and in the process getting a fee to set up the grant payments.

Google Voice Scams

Scammers need phone numbers to execute their scams. They need numbers in the countries they want to scam in (or open bank accounts or other in), not phone numbers from Africa. Historically, they will ask victims to send Sim Cards and phones as part of the Romance scam. Pickers will be in place to take shipments before sending them out to Africa, unless of course the story from the scammer has put them there. How else can they get them?

Fortunately for scammers, there are now multiple ways. Electronic numbers can be got online through many apps but only local to your country-step in pickers and other victims, but also through Google Voice. Registered phone numbers are far more valuable to scammers as they will be accepted for opening bank accounts and other benefit system frauds.

One way scammers use Google Voice is to scan the likes of private sellers sites such as Craig’s List and Gumtree. They look for items for sale with a listed phone number, the scammer will text asking if the item is still available. On getting a response, the scammer will say they would like to check ‘you’ are not a scammer and say they have put your number through a checking app to check it’s a legitimate number with no bad debt etc listed against it. An OTP (one time password) will be sent and victim asked to please forward the code or screenshot, to them to verify the information.

What you are actually sending is a password to hand over your number to the scammer on Google Voice. Once in possession of that number, the scammer can use it to open online bank accounts and also access lots of other numbers.

 

This process is used in other scams too. Don’t ever send an OTP to a stranger (or any one you have never met or know in person).

Cash App Scams

Cash App along with Zelle, PayPal, Venmo and others offer immediate transfer of funds to another party.

Private seller scams

Using private sellers lists again, scammers will contact in response to an item they claim to wish to purchase. Once agreement is made, funds need to be exchanged. If cash app hasn’t been used before by the client, they have an upper hand advantage from the start.

Cash app only allows transfers in and out of the account for a limit of sending $250 per 7 days and receiving $1000 per 30 days. Increasing these limits only happens through verification of your identity.

Scammers will claim the account limit needs to be increased (expanded) for the transaction to take place due to limits. They claim this can be done through the app by ‘building’ the limit between buyer and seller. Emails are sent from a fake customer service website to confirm the instructions along with notification messages and alerts.

Emails and notifications are passed backwards and forwards to build trust with the victim.

Note the .ng domain address on the website/email. This is Nigeria.

Here the victim instructed the postmaster not to release the parcel until she gave conformation of the payment being credited to her account. The address the package was to be sent to was in New York. This will have been a picker, hired by the scammers knowingly or unknowingly (employment scams, romance scams, paid mules) to collect the package before passing it on to Nigeria. Unfortunately the post master sent the package before confirmation.

The scam continued:

 

The victim did not send any money or gift cards but a few days later the scammer taunted her by showing the Fedex delivery tracker and a video of the Nigerian holding her ring.  They tried again to get more money saying the ring could be returned if she paid for shipping.

She showed the scammer all the evidence I had found of the fake account and the stolen identity of the elderly lady used in the scam. It’s with the police but unfortunately she is very unlikely to see any of her money or possessions again.

Other Cash App scams 

Cash Flip and  Prize Giveaways are other common Cash App scams.

The businesses do offer this service to customers for promotional purposes on occasion and the scammers are quick to jump on these situations to extort money. More on these two Cash App scams can be found here

Please only ever contact these apps for support through the in app contact system. Too many scammers have very well thought out fake websites and call centres to look like the real thing. 

Puppy/Kitten deposit scams

Many of these scams follow a similar pattern, the subject of the scam will simply change so that they can maximise the opportunities to exploit. Puppies and Kittens create a good opportunity for money making in scams, especially when advertising as a quality breed.

I should say here that scams using Puppies and Kittens for scams are abundant in all countries, carried out by heartless criminals who are out to make fast money without thought to the welfare of the animals. You should always seek advise from a vet for a registered breeder or preferably get a pet from a rescue as there are plenty needing homes.

Here, I am concerned with the type of scam conducted over the internet, where the animals are simply virtual and do not in reality even exist.

Fake websites and social media profiles are used to set up these scams.

One is shown here.

Things might not look wrong on first look, bar a gramma mistake on paperwork’s’.

However, the fact this profile messaged first and just a simple search on the pictures, shows this for what it is.

A key phrase here raises red flags. ‘I’m a good and sincere person.’ are words used in romance scams to build trust.
Always screen shot a few images to run through a reverse search. The results can save you money and heart break.
The reverse image search showed that the image has been taken from the internet. These puppies are not for sale.

As the scam continues, the scammer may even send a video (taken from the internet), then a deposit will be asked for. Using Cash App or other, details will be passed and funds transferred to secure the puppy or kitten. The money is lost and the scammer disappears.

Landlord/Rental deposit scams

Using the same technique above,  the scammers will watch legitimate websites for properties going up for rent.

They create private listings with the pictures but with the monthly rental price at a significantly reduced rate. They will claim that they previously had the property with an agent but the fees were too high so now they are renting privately. The agent is just being slack removing the listing.

Documents can be replicated to share and build trust before asking for the deposit to be paid. The old saying goes here, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

The deposit and likely first month payment will be asked for in advance as is common with property rental. Scams like this have been found targeting students in particular who are looking for a good deal on limited money. This money will be lost.

Always use a verified agent or meet the person face to face with full identity when venturing into these transactions.

Employment scams

Scammers will get onto college websites or even websites for single mums and similar. Email extractor tools are used to extract the emails registered on that website. The scammers will then bomb the emails with adverts for part time virtual work and work from home opportunities.

The wage is paid by fraudulent bank transfer or cheque in excess of the agreed wage. The picker will announce the mistake and ask for the extra paid money to be returned via gift card or other.

By the time the ’employee’ realises from the bank that the original transaction was in fact a scam transaction, the picker and the scammer are gone.

This method of extracting money is used across the scamming world including call centre scams, but this type- often technical support scam will gain access to the victims computer through screen share software to make them think the bank transaction of a refund has actually gone through at a higher rate and needs to be returned.

Hacking accounts

Scammers do business, and part of that business is hacking accounts, all types of accounts.

Older Facebook accounts are really popular with scammers because of many reasons. One, they look more authentic than a freshly made account with the joining date being historic on the profile. Two, ready made friends list who may or may not be close to the real owner. Three, these older accounts are mainly created in a country not on the ‘watchlist’ and are much harder to get removed through reporting. These accounts are offered for sale in the groups.

How do they get these?

As said previously, Romance Scams are not always about instant money. Sometimes the scammer is focused on collecting facebook accounts or other information for other scams. Sometimes they will come at a victim from more than one perspective, as different identities, to collect more and different information. When money isn’t asked for the victims tend to trust more but the scammers are just as dangerous. They will be building trust and ‘phishing’ for your details for identity theft and other things to earn them money.

Hackers may create the same narrative with a victim and even send them their own bank details with login (of a fake account) to show their trust and love for a victim (or friend). They might use this as a way to get the victim to send a One Time Password (OTP) alert maybe of a ‘login from another device’ from information such as a phone number or email used to access and sign in to a facebook account or email account. The victim will be told it’s to verify their number or email with the bank. The victim sends it to the scammer and the scammer has the password to verify themselves on the social media account or email etc..

The scammer can then change passwords from inside the account settings and lock the victim out.

If an email has been hacked, the scammer will now phish for other information useful in scams. Some of these scams will be for bigger fraud such as online benefit applications where the scammer has collected the required information for submitting a claim in that persons name with their personal details. You can read more here about this kind of fraud.

Other hacked accounts include Sporty Bet accounts where pre loaded cards are available for using.

There are many more scams that are constantly evolving from ones like these. Please be very aware of any one that contacts you or deals that seem too good to be true. Never click links or give a One Time Password or verification code to anyone you don’t know personally. Never use given phone numbers or web-links to confirm what you are being told, always do a search yourself for these numbers, emails or contact details or access the contact us section within an app.

 

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So you think you know about Yahoo Boys and Romance Scams? Part 3

When a victim realises what is going on, maybe a friend has broken through the conditioning instilled by the scammer or they have come across other profiles with the same pictures or completed a reverse image search, they will likely confront the scammer.

The scammer will not take this laying down and just go away.

Guilt will be heaped on the victim to start with. ‘How you can you not trust me after everything we’ve been through?’ are words all victims will hear. ‘The scammers have been stealing my pictures for years, I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore, now they’ve taken you too.’

When this doesn’t have effect, they can turn nasty.

  • Sextortion. If intimate images have been extorted (male or female), the blackmail will likely ensue. Blocking their number won’t do anything. scammers have untold amounts of numbers for any country at their disposal from other victims and other scams (more later) and the victim will likely be bombarded. This does depend on the experience of the scammer and the size of the group they are working in.

New identities will randomly start connecting and contacting, threats of posting your pictures online, sending them to family and friends unless money is sent. Never think sending them money will stop them-it will bait them to blackmail you more. The Australian authorities at Scamnet have produced an excellent advice document for incidents where this happens. I send it to victims I talk to all the time. You can read it here. 

Facebook also offer a service for non-consensual sharing of images that have or have threatened to be shared on their platform. You can find their help here.

There are several follow up scams that the scammers will try. Don’t become a repeat victim. These scams are the most popular but by no means the only ones they will try and things evolve constantly.

  • Scam compensation services. A contact will offer compensation to recover lost money  and, or catch the scammer to get justice for their wrongdoing. This maybe headed up by ‘law enforcement’ organisations or ‘private investigation’ style companies. These are also set up as pages on social media. Do not be fooled. These do not exist.
  • Fallen in love. The scammer will sometimes state that they fell in love with you through the scam. They will say it’s never happened  but the connection with you was too strong. They will send their real pictures, finally make that video call, say they wish they could turn back time and start a fresh now that he’s been honest. They have introduced victims to family. Their only aim is to get a visa out of there and more money.
  • Medical emergency. Some victims have had calls with a crying scared ‘family member’ claiming the scammer has tried to commit suicide due to the guilt felt from the scamming. Can you help with hospital costs. Having thought you were in a real relationship with this person and the fact they target kind and empathetic people in the first place, the temptation to believe this can be strong. Don’t.
  • Wife Beater. Some victims have reported that a woman calls saying the scammer is their husband and that she is being beaten, especially after his failure to continue the scam with you. She will say she wants to escape and asks for help to do so.
  • Facing jail. Some victims have reported that the scammer or a friend calls to say they are facing jail. They know they have done wrong but now the family they provide for face poverty because they will not be there. Can you help to pay the police to let them off.
  • Money Mule blackmail threat. Scammers have been known to load the victims bank account with funds after they are caught. they will then threaten to inform the authorities you are a mule, if the money isn’t sent back via Bitcoin or gift cards. Victims panic and sometimes do as the scammers ask.

The suckers list.

Scammers will put your details on a list of people who have been willing to chat, taken money to look after (unknowing money mule) or part with money. You will find the fake accounts keep finding you.

Here are some tips to break the cycle.

  • Change your phone number and email
  • Come off of social media for a few weeks and on return, change your profile pictures to new unknown ones. A name change, (variations etc) where possible and user name change where applicable.
  • Make sure your profiles are completely set to private including past profile pictures and photo albums.

Ensure that you report your fraud to the relevant authority for your country. Although rare, there are occasions where enough evidence is reported for investigations to take place and arrests are made. For you to be inline for any share of money recovered, your name needs to be on that list of victims. Local police are really not interested and too many victims report being laughed at by these officers. It is not ok and shows their ignorance at the sophistication and emotional manipulation that can come with these scams.

Here is a list of web-links to report your fraud in your country. If your country is not here, let me know and I will try and find or for you.

Australia click here

Canada click here

Europe click here

India click here

Malaysia here

Philippines here 

Singapore click here

South Africa click here

United States here

Things can feel really really dark and hopeless after an experience with a scammer.  Facing reality is sometimes too much and many victims can feel suicidal. You are not alone. There is always someone to talk to. It’s important to know that you can come and chat and not be judged or feel ashamed about what has happened to you. The hardest step is acceptance and letting go. The next phase is the fight back. We don’t let them win.

In Part 4,  where your information can be used and other scams of the Yahoo Boys.

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So you think you know about Yahoo Boys and Romance Scams? Part 2

Scammers will nearly always come up against a client who has started to mistrust through the process. It’s then time to put more effort to regain trust before the chance to exploit has gone.

In the past, the only options available was some very questionable photoshopping. However, technology advances at speed and for good or bad, these scammers will utilise this to their advantage.

Editing Services.

As the scam progresses, trust issues need to be resolved when doubts arise, especially when money has been asked for. This is where the editing services step in. Some will pay/trade for an experienced editor to do this for them, others will have a go themselves. Results may vary…

The editors not only create fake Id’s and photoshop images with a required note, they also create legal documents, plane tickets, invoices and other things needed to continue the scam and exploit the victim.

Taking it further

Fake websites will also be created where a link can be sent to the victim to back up the story being told, with Linked In profiles to match. Click these links to see what they are like:

Dr Michael Kent

This fake website uses the pictures of Dr Michael Miroshnik, Australian Plastic Surgeon as the CEO of a hospital.

Rolinsons Construction

This fake website used ‘up for rent’ properties found on the web as their contact addresses in both England and Canada.

The phone numbers and emails are attached to the scammers for authenticity. This website is likely shared with Ivory Coast Scammers who have French as their primary language and often claim to be from Quebec.

Wiki pages have been created as well to back up the information wanting to be recognised by the scammers against the real person’s history. The Wiki pages which mimic the real ones in appearance, will have the link sent to the victim who then believes they are looking at a real page.

English speaking ‘clients’ may recognise grammatical and spelling errors but unfortunately scammers target everyone and those with English as a second language or even using translate are unlikely to pick up mistakes.

Fake Video Calls

‘If they won’t video call they are a scammer…’

This is what victims have been told for such a long time and in part, some of this holds true. However, with advances in technology the scammers now have a way to build trust further.

Once upon a time they would hold a phone playing a video of the supposed person (there are usually plenty of snippets available on the person’s social media or better still stories, which then disappear) to the camera on a laptop. It was really poor quality but with an excuse for this being bad internet (including it cutting out after a few seconds) it was sometimes enough to convince the victim that the moving person was really on the other side of that screen. Military scams used this particularly well as victims are being told they in remote areas. Now, apps are available to create ‘prank video calls’ which are relished by the scammers to create a better quality experience.

There are tutorials everywhere (click here for one). Scamming made easier with the help of technology. (Please ignore BJ Campbell’s comment, who is not the person you want to be online dating with as he thinks fake video calls are invaluable).

However, the scammers cannot yet make the video answer questions  you might pose but voice overs are getting better so look out for the lip synching. An advantage for them is that scamming someone with a different language makes this all the easier.

This has become an essential part of the game and tutorials on how to do this is one of the services offered in the groups.

 

Also available are voice changing apps for the scammer to be two people at once or a child. Ivory coast scammers use village children to talk to clients as they already speak French but when convincing a client what a good mum they’ll be or a child asking for help or wanting to come and live with you, for English or other languages, the voice changer works for them. Technology is getting better all the time and depending on the size of the group (and the money to access better technology) the better the quality will be.

Collecting the money

Things will usually start small. Asking for gift cards of various descriptions has become the normal as a tester for the scammers. They then exchange the gift cards for cash with a ‘reputable’ hustler for Naira or other currency.

Amounts asked for may increase along with the story posed by the scammer. The various scams within ‘romance fraud’ have been mentioned in Part 1. (read here if you haven’t).

Now enter… ‘The Loaders and The Pickers‘

Romance scams, can be stand alone scams however, the victims can also be part of something much bigger.

Yahoo boys do not just ‘dabble’ in extorting money from vulnerable people looking for love.

Business email compromise (BEC).

This is a much larger fraud where scammers are defrauding businesses by setting up bank accounts where money is unknowingly transferred by organisations on request of a fraudster posing as the CEO to these accounts in their control. The starting process for these phishing scams and spamming comes from Russia and Eastern Europe, who sell leads to the Social scammers of West Africa. That scratches the surface, the sums lost are in the billions.

Where do victims of romance fraud come in? These huge scams need to have the money they exploit, cleaned before it is sent back to Africa and the fraudsters. Money mules are used to do this. These mules (Pickers) have several roles.

Some will know exactly what they are doing and paid for the job. They will often be resident citizens in the country being exploited and work for a percentage of the ill gotten gains. These criminals will set up bank accounts, PayPal accounts, any other digital cash transfer accounts using stolen identities (courtesy of other phishing scams including Romance Scams, where they are collecting all and every scrap of your details) and also send cash directly to other mules.

Most of these applications and organisations have criteria to block accounts being opened by the likes of Nigeria or money sent to these countries, so they have become creative in how to get the money back to them. It also means the trail of the stolen money is made ever more difficult to trace, if not impossible. Large sums of money also meet criteria for investigation by the likes of the FBI, the scammers know this, so stolen funds are split into smaller packages, ‘The Loaders’ then load accounts with the funds ready to transfer.

In some cases, several mules will be used to transfer the money from one place to the next. However, every time a mule is used, the scammers lose a cut of the money.

Romance scam victims can be used for free.

Built into those stories created by the scammers will be opportunities where victims are asked to ‘look after some money’. Some victims wont ever be asked for money themselves, just occasionally doing a favour for the guy they fell in love with when he gets stuck while working abroad. These victims become unknowing money mules (Pickers).

 

The Loader and Pickers are used across a wide variety of scams. They will be called on when needed. The Loaders tend to take the biggest cut as their job is most risky.

Many processes are being tested for ‘cashing out‘ . Gift cards remain a favourite because it removes the mules and the scammer gets a bigger cut of the money. Apps such as Cash App are liked for their ability to convert to Bitcoin which becomes untraceable, however with Bitcoin and other digital currency being banned in Nigeria and other West African countries, they are on the look for new processes constantly, so the game is always changing. AliPay is used in China, Zelle within businesses. New apps are out all the time and they will find ways to exploit them. People like this will show the scammers how to use them:

 

In Part 3, what happens when the scammers are caught out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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So you think you know about Yahoo Boys and Romance Scams? Part 1

The last few months have been an eye opener.

As I research more on the new scams that are surfacing, I stumbled across some groups on facebook. These groups with variants of the title ‘Yahoo Boys Association’ became the hub points of my disbelief and horror, not only that Facebook are openly allowing these to even exist but the content which showed me the inside life of scammers. These scammers in particular being those from predominately West Africa, home of Yahoo Boys.

The name ‘Yahoo boy’ came from the original 419 email scams that emerged on the inception of this form of communication, Section 419 being the Nigerian cybercrime law which makes internet fraud a criminal offence. Most are not worried about this law however as the police are mainly ‘hustlers’ themselves, so a scammer revealed. Other names are ‘Gee boys’ and ‘Sakawa Boys’ as known in Ghana.

It became more obvious than ever, that whatever size you think this industry might be, you need to think bigger. Much bigger. Then you need to multiply that by 100 or more, that might start to scratch the surface.

From the posts in their groups I’ve researched their ‘offered services’ and scams where advice is sought for getting money from any snippet of information they get their hands on. Some of these will seem obvious however, many will not. I’ve done the research so you don’t have too.

The Smooth Talkers

Most of you will know these. These are the front line scammers that talk directly to the targets. They call you clients. To them, this is business. They will initiate conversation in many ways:

  • Friend requests followed by messaging on any social media (Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, Tik Tok etc)
  • Direct Messaging on any social media without requests (as above)
  • Dating platforms-paid and free
  • Messaging through ANY chat facilities on ANY online platform including games such as Wordzee, Scrabble, Song pop etc
  • Replying on public posts to comments as way of connecting to something said.

As a scammer’s job it’s known as ‘bombing’. 

Many whose English is poor will use formats, another scammer’s job. These are pre-scripted conversations designed to suit any situation the front man (or group) either chooses to use for bombing (dating, military, oil rig/construction/contractor/civil engineering) or the process they have chosen to use to extort money from the client.

Screen shot taken from a You Tube video, where tutorials on scamming are abundant.

Introductions will be copy and pasted on mass to as many targets as they can keep track of. You’ll notice if ever you happen across one that asking them a question not within the predicted script can prove problematic. Construction, Engineering (marine, oil gas), Oil rig workers, UN workers and the never ending Peace keeping missions in Syria of the military, all have their own formats. There are others but all come attached to a sob story of being orphaned themselves (or far to far away from any estranged family member) widowed/ divorced with a child (or two), wife/husband killed in a car crash ( as might have their parents) or died of cancer (or covid) for example. Of course, this means you will become the only person they can trust and turn to.

The more experienced scammers with a good grasp of English are far more plausible and far more dangerous.

You will inevitably be asked to move with speed, onto Hangouts or What’s app (as the favourites) but don’t think offerings of other chat apps are safe. Many are venturing to use Viber, IMO, Signal, Line, KIK, Telegram, ICQ, Skype chat. The loud message is, if they ask you to leave the platform for another facility, there is an ulterior motive. This is mainly to avoid losing the client when their profiles are deleted but also to avoid detection through app algorithms picking up key words, the client noticing them still online after the professed amazing connection and other women making loving comments on the pictures. They will often say they have deleted the profile because they have met you but in reality they have blocked you.

Depending on the size of the group the scammers are working in (either for cartel/mafia-esque style groups, smaller groups in the village or city, as a friendship group or individuals) will depend on how the scam continues. Some will do most of the process themselves, most will work as a team, allowing whoever does each particular part of the process best to take over when needed. Some groups or individuals will have the required skills to not enlist the help of others (which can cost them or they have to trade for that skill). These services are sold or traded within these groups. When the scammer feels it’s time to test the water (which can be ridiculously quickly or surprisingly lengthy and by this I mean there have been some I know have talked for over 3 years without being asked because the experienced ones will just listen for a hint of a story where money may finally be mentioned or be using them simply for and unknowingly laundering money) the next phase kicks in.

‘Billing’ (the client) the term given to the format speech used to extort the money also comes in many forms, ranging from I Tunes and gift cards of many types-STEAM and Green Dot being the latest trend, to fees of the boarding school for their child, who they have no other choice but to send there as they are in the military etc. This is also a ploy used to launder money, asking if money can be kept safe by ‘the client’ until the fees are due, then asking it to be passed on. Investment formats for billing in a new or expanding business are also used. The scammers will go to great lengths to make this look real (more later in taking it further). For military scams this may be for requesting leave, early withdrawal from the tour, supplies.

Package/consignment scams are very popular where a bogus package is reported as being sent and the client is to pay for any import taxes due on receipt and for shipping in the first place. The package may be reported to be presents for the client or receipt of possessions of the scammer’s fake identity. Plane tickets for the longed for meeting are another way to extort money within the romance scam. You will, prior to this, have been bombarded with attention and affection, even potentially had flowers, pizza sent to you (great for getting your address and building trust).

Again here, the experience of the scammer to read the situation and adapt will be the clients downfall. New hustlers won’t always be so lucky and ask for help in these groups:

Others will offer ‘Yahoo Plus and Yahoo Plus Plus’ services to help them on their way…

Yes you are reading that right. Read more here on ‘Yahoo Plus’ and ‘Yahoo Plus Plus’

In Part 2, 3 and 4, how they strengthen the deception. How they use other information collected through the game to continue to scam and what happens when they are caught out.

 

 

 

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Victim Abuse: The after effects of speaking out.

Your Story

Claire shares her story of adult grooming and abuse.

The Theatre of the Mind

I tried to download a dating app yesterday. It was on my phone for 30 seconds before I deleted it.

Lovebombed

Last Autumn, I met a man online who made me love him like no other. He was intellectual, academic, caring, funny, attentive and romantic. Our early conversations were so rapid fire that he was taking the words out of my mouth before they came out. We spoke for hours daily by phone.  It was breath taking. He took it slowly, gently, knew me better than I knew myself.  Now I know why. He’d researched.

Indeed, the ‘getting to know you’ period lasted so long that I eventually ‘friend zoned’ him.

That spurred him into action:  before I knew it I was meeting him at Platform 8, Waterloo Station. His face lit up when he saw me. This slightly cuddly, endearingly ordinary man captured my heart. I almost ‘loved’ him before I met him. He was my mirror, but the bit I liked, for the first time ever.

You hear about women who give everything up for someone they’ve never met. I’d never understood, regarding them as a bit silly, a bit needy. Yet here I was, one step short of it. Mr W, ex Royal Navy, academic, navigation expert, ex-pat living in Rotterdam, had turned me to jelly. We snogged goodbye like teenagers. He went off to a Naval ball at the Honourable Company of Master Mariners, and I headed home with a head full of him.

Our next date was due to be in Paris, but the weekend came and went – he had to work. He wanted to put me up in the New York Hotel in Rotterdam, close to where he lived so that we had an unpressured date. That too never materialised. To be honest, I’d assumed we’d do every other weekend there or here in the UK. It was a million miles from the practical, close-by relationship that I’d sought, but I talked myself into the benefits. For a while he was my closest friend.

He was hating his job. I was wanting him here. Our communication was so intense that I eventually told him to back off a little. He sounded hurt.

He became the centre of my life. I started leaving time free for him, just in case, taking his calls just before leaving for the gym and missing much needed classes.

Our next date was London. Unsure about taking our relationship up a gear, I booked an apartment rather than a hotel so that we had the option of separate beds. I knew I’d made a friend for life, but needn’t have worried. We laughed into bed and the world vanished. For a perfect couple of days we wrapped ourselves together, emotionally, mentally and physically engrossed in our escape from reality.

Coercion and Control

It was the first time I saw him lie, really coldly, convincingly, to his boss that he was getting a supervision for his PhD, when in fact he was tucked up with me and had given up his PhD. He won’t be the first person to bunk off work, but it struck me at the time how easily the lies tripped off his tongue.

Reality for us was harder outside the bunker. He hated his job in Rotterdam. He was getting less attentive, but that honeymoon period intensity couldn’t be expected to last. At least, that’s what I told myself as he apparently spent Christmas with his mother on a cruise in the Balkans, during which time he couldn’t be in touch. His relationship with his mother was, he claimed, complex. He was secretive about her. Apparently, a spurned ex had once turned up on her doorstep.

I gave up a business I’d been working on, a passion that had burned for years. I finally had the money to invest, but he persuaded me that it was too big a risk and we’d never get any time together.

In January, he bought me a flight to Rotterdam, and we were to have our first weekend date. All our other ‘trysts’ had been week days.  I was suspicious, about how he was making me feel, shabby, needy. I explained my feelings to him and he blamed my good friend for poisoning my mind.

Eventually he threw in the job. A leadership expert, he told me he thought the management at Simwave was shoddy. However, he was going for Chartered status at the Honourable Company of Master Mariners as a boost.

I was angrily told that I couldn’t go to the ceremony with him, that it was a silly little paper signing, and I was dispatched to Rotterdam to wait for him there. 

We’d both initially had tickets for later flights, but his job loss meant he brought them forward to give us more time together. I was now on the earlier flight, he was on a later one. I knew deep inside, despite having sent me a message from a gin bar the week before that he was warming up for my visit, that he wasn’t coming. But I had a ticket and accommodation at his expense. I’d never spent much time in Rotterdam, so went anyway. Sure enough, he didn’t turn up until the following morning. He’d “missed his flight” and apparently stayed in a very expensive hotel at the airport.

His communication started faltering. 

Eventually I called time, sure he was living with someone, especially as he had now moved back to the UK, jobless, but only ever managed passing meets. On Valentine’s Day, he came over from his mother’s in Essex with a bunch of garage flowers, but had to get to Portsmouth to catch a ship for ‘Navy Reserve’ duty that evening. The timings didn’t ring true.

Punishment

Eventually he talked me round.

It was easy. I’d been out with an ex in the gap, and it just wasn’t the same.

Mr W understood me. I accepted I was nasty and should have accepted that he had a thing about his mother. We had some bridges to build, and I was going to have to demure. Despite being unhappy at his mums, we couldn’t live together because he’d apparently married his second wife within six months. But, promisingly, he wanted me to hold off buying my little Spanish bolthole. He was going to buy it with me. We would have our little place away from the World.

Despite being conscious of some cruel things he did, I was feeling increasingly bad about myself, and spent days helping to research jobs for him, preparing presentations, to make amends.  Yet still deep inside feeling a niggle, I hired a private detective to find out what was really going on.

Eventually, two weeks of being ‘ghosted’ by him, worrying about the cancer he purported to being tested for, and having completely omitted to acknowledge my birthday despite having left it clear for a promised weekend in Paris, seven months of relationship ended with a little email about how difficult his life was and he had no more time for me. I replied that I was sorry, that whatever our relationship had diminished to, I was grateful for the good bits.

I was relieved.

The truth

It was too late to call off the investigators, they’d started work: he was living with a woman near Fareham, in a house he’d supposedly rented out. I sent him a choice text and moved on. To stop anyone else getting duped by him, I posted some of our pictures up on Facebook, a rare ‘public’ post, pointing out his marital situation and where he was living – not in the mess on a naval base or with mother.

The man had no more loved me than a politician kissing a baby. Awful truths started to crawl daily out of the woodwork. Alan Ayckbourn would be hard pushed to make up some of it, especially the Master Mariners event, where at least three women had wanted to attend. But the sadder stories were what he’d done to his family. I was just one in a string of women that he’d groomed into relationships.

I had consented to a physical relationship only after extracting an explicit promise of him being unmarried and not dating anyone else. That he had a clean bill of sexual health. He had lied to obtain that consent, was married, had multiple other partners simultaneously, and  had lied about his sexual status, putting me at risk.

My reward for loving Mr W was planned suicide (fortunately not acted on), a police harassment notice, and now a civil law suit because his wife claims to have suffered enough to need three months off work. He apparently bears no blame for this. It’s my fault for naming him.

I am no longer the person I was. He’s eaten at my self esteem. I doubt I’ll ever date again. How can I? The only person I’ve loved in over 30 years was never real, just a mind game.

Looking back through our conversations for the police and for my solicitors, he laced the clues,  lured me in to hurt me. He won the mind game.

Grooming is very different from an affair. Mr W only ever wanted me to break my own moral codes, to use his “theatre of the mind” to push my boundaries. I am shamed that he succeeded, in more ways than I’ll admit here.

But I’ll use that shame and disgust to make sure that people like him – men and women alike, are no longer allowed to hurt others legally. My explicit consent matters as much as money. More.

Too many victims end up further victimised when they speak out. He, meanwhile, and others like him, continue to re-offend with impunity.

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Adult Grooming: Grooming does not just happen to children.

Adult Grooming is the behaviour behind ‘Catfishing’. Under current legislation you lose your right to any protection as you turn 16. Here ‘mumstravelblog’ describes her experience of this abhorrent abuse.

Long Term Damage from Adult Grooming

by mumstravelblog

I have spent years talking to my children (my daughter in particular) about safety online and more specifically in relation to the dangers of online dating after she split up with her first long term boyfriend and ventured over into the world of ‘Tinder’.

But to be honest I truly thought that I myself was immune from online scammers and predators, I ‘thought’ I could spot them from a mile away….. I WAS WRONG.

I have dipped my toe into the world of online dating a few times on and off over the years, and yes I have on occasions met up with guys who have looked 10 yrs older than their profile photos or have posted on their profiles that they are 6′ and turn out to actually be 5’4″ !! It kind of goes with the territory, but never in a million years did I think that at the age of 47 that I would get groomed, deceived and duped in the way that I did.

The word ‘catfish’ is used more and more in relation to online dating and those who set up fake profiles in order to scam people either for money or for some twisted pleasure.

My groomer was not a ‘catfish’ in the traditional sense; he used his own name (I think) and his own photographs, however that is the only thing about him which was either truthful or real. Absolutely everything else which came from him was lies and was all a part of a very sick controlling game he played which enabled him abuse my sanity, my integrity, my mind, my self worth, my trust, and my body.

I have already named the man who groomed me in my earlier blog – Steve Window, I am 99.9% sure than this is his real name, however when I was getting suspicious about him and put his mobile number into Facebook it connected to a profile in the name of ‘David Peters’ but with no photograph, I suspect that he may have been using additional profiles under that name and maybe others as well, I will never know the truth. The worse part of it was the fact that Steve joked constantly about online scammers and how stupid women were to fall for them, he said “if you can see someone has a linkedin account then you know 100% that they are genuine…” of course he has a linkedin account, but he is far from genuine – he is a narcissistic serial predator and compulsive liar.

In a very short space of time this one man single handedly stripped away my sense of self, he stripped away my integrity and my right to consent – I honestly feel that his deception and coercion took away my rights and my freedom to choose (because I know 100% I would NOT have chosen to have any kind of relationship with him had he rightfully informed me of the truth).

Now without blowing my own trumpet I am a pretty intelligent, grounded, strong and sensible woman! As well as being a former Police Officer. It’s not very often that someone like this would get one over on me, neither would I ever have previously considered myself vulnerable, however this experience has shown me just how vulnerable I actually am and this alone has weakened me greatly as a person. I am empathic, sensitive to other people’s needs, I love deeply and am fiercely protective. I had always prided myself on my honesty, integrity, loyalty, inner strength and fairness towards others.

Previous to this abuse I trusted pretty much everyone at face value until such time as they gave me reason not to, now I trust no one and I honestly feel like I will never be able to trust anyone again, particularly within a relationship.

This is not a man who just dated me with good intentions and it simply didn’t work out – this is a man who deliberately targeted me, meticulously groomed me (at the same time as others) and deceived me into having sex with him, then gained additional gratification in completely messing with my mind & my emotions to devalue me. Internally I am still screaming, but no one can hear me. However know I have to be strong for the sake of my children…and I will be.

The thing is with him is that he is clever; a brilliant academic who has a Masters Degree in studying manifesting & human behaviour within the Maritime domain. He understands psychology in depth and the power of the mind, he knows how to change peoples perceptions in the way that they think and act, he knows exactly the way the mind can be re-programmed quickly. He uses these skills in his coercive control of women and I have to say he uses them well.

I look back now and I cringe, how on earth did I fall for that?…but I did – hook, line and sinker 😢. I have used online dating in the past as I’ve already said, but I have never got into deeply personal conversation prior to meeting a man, and certainly didn’t think it remotely possible that you could fall in love with someone before even meeting them, but with him I did, and I fell quickly. He made sure of that. However what I have subsequently learnt is that the messages that Steve was sending me were not love, but what is referenced as ‘love bombing’ a well known and documented tactical move of narcissists to quickly gain control over you and your emotions.

I honestly had never had such feelings for someone I had never met before, I couldn’t believe that this was happening or even possible – finally I believed I had met the man of my dreams and what’s more I foolishly believed that he felt the same way too. When we sat in a restaurant together enjoying a lavish dinner during our first date, he looked he straight in the eye telling me he had absolutely no doubts that this was all perfect and I totally felt the same way. Little did I know as we sat in the Citizen M Hotel, Rotterdam later that evening, chatting, laughing and being what some would describe as ‘loved up’, Steve was sending photos of his G&T to his next victim with a text saying “warming up for your visit”. Just two weeks later he took her to exactly the same hotel!

I am very much one for taking things slowly and if things don’t feel quite right from either side, one half will finish it – end of story and no harm done.

Part of my abusers mind games was the constant reassurance that the relationship was still perfect and that he was smitten, even though in practice he seemed to be withdrawing from me. His words and actions didn’t mirror one another, if he wanted to end it then he could have done so very easily and that would have been the end of it.(I even gave him the chance to do exactly that…twice). No, that was far too boring for him, the ‘carrot & donkey’ scenario was all part of the coercion & mental control. Just in me having to question ‘are things still OK between us?’ made me also question myself as to whether I was appearing too needy? (Definitely not my usual style, yet something which he clearly thrived on as he would have gained a sense of power over me.

My full story is told in an earlier blog, so I am not going to go over it again, but in just a very very short period of time Steve had totally manipulated my mind, and after he had deliberately strung me along for several more weeks and then ghosted me it triggered all sorts of emotions within. Initially when he vanished after saying he was going on a business trip to Singapore I was worried sick that something bad had happened to him, then came a sense of confusion and non belief; this man who had claimed to have such strong feelings for me, made promises and plans for both our short and long term future together. I felt SO stupid realising that I had been set up in such a way and had blindly walked straight into his trap. I had told my parents all about him over Christmas, told friends I had finally found ‘the one’, booked tickets for him to attend a big awards ceremony with me for which I was a judge and had told several colleagues about the ‘new man’ I was bringing with me. I suddenly could not even face going, my stomach was in knots, I felt physically sick as the reality dawned on me that I had been deliberately targeted, groomed, used and ghosted – as suddenly everything fell into place.

His coercive control left me with debilitating anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts, don’t ask me why, the mind can do funny things. I wasn’t just devastated that a short term relationship had come to an end, it was the reality of being groomed and abused in so many senses. Feeling totally violated & vulnerable, realising I could have potentially put my children at risk, not only of the possibility of either being groomed themselves, but of them becoming motherless if he had infected me with H.I.V (something which I don’t mind admitting I am paranoid about given the fact my brother died of AIDS at 37 and why I am generally over cautious about safe sex) My abuser assured me that sex with him was safe, he told me he was single and not been in another relationship for over a year – and I foolishly believed him.

If you have never suffered with anxiety/panic attacks then this diagram might just come close to trying to describe them: The invisible hippopotamus sitting on your chest was particularly poignant for me, and even now when it hits me, I feel like I can’t breathe.

My life hasn’t always been easy, I was in an physically abusive relationship 21 years ago, and two years ago I had a bad breakdown. I had worked hard at re-building my life TWICE, Steve knew the details of both these low points in my life because I had trusted him enough to share. He knew that I was perhaps ‘fragile’ and yet it did not deter his path of abuse and destruction, in fact looking back he used this to control my emotions even more. He knew that in me learning to love and learning to trust again were big steps, he reassured me that I would be ‘loved, cherished and protected, and that he would never lie to me’. Two years ago I had been on the brink of taking my own life (not relationship related, just one of many many straws breaking the camels back). Forming such a strong bond so quickly with Steve was a huge step in the path of that recovery….but with his deception and grooming now exposed, the walls around me came tumbling down, each and every pore seem to open an old or new wound, and emotionally I crashed. I’m not afraid to say “I was a mess”

One mans grooming triggered so much pain that I cannot even begin to write it in a blog; new hurts & past hurts, I had to re live past trauma and grieve my brothers death all over again…..all of that and so much more.

Thankfully I recognised the signs of where I was this time, I wasn’t going to put myself or my children back to where I was two years ago and hence I immediately sort the help I needed to deal with & recover from falling victim of an online predator (the emotional and physical side of the abuse)

I HATE taking any kind of medication and pills, always have. I wasn’t going to start pumping my body full of anti-depressants and suffering with god knows what side effects as well, but the fog which fell around me was debilitating for several weeks along with the anxiety and panic attacks, inside I was screaming as I felt so humiliated and disgusted with myself that I just wanted to hide from the world. I couldn’t do justice to my work, my family, to life in general. I just wanted to hide from everyone and everything..and for a while I did.

I consider myself lucky, I have the most amazingly supportive family (including my ex-husband!!!) and some truly incredible friends. With their help, with determination & will power and with some exceptional counselling, I pulled myself out of that dark hole.

I loathe the fact he still takes up so much time in my head space though, if I could just press a button and delete it all from my mind I would, if I could turn off the anxiety and sense of worthlessness I now have I would.

Life is very different now, it’s hard to describe; almost as if the rawness of the wound has healed but knowing the scars will always be there. Discovering 5 months after my own ordeal that my abuser was also married at the time and had another victim he went on to abuse immediately afterwards only re-opened some of those wounds yet again. However it also made me determined to ensure that no one else falls victim. My abuser has twice tried to threaten and intimidate me with criminal and civil action for exposing him, his own lawyers comments so dangerous and inappropriate that I reported him to the legal ombudsman, as well as bringing them to the attention of the Police & Crime Commissioner and Victim Commissioner. His lawyers despicable and highly irresponsible comments cast a shadow over himself, his company and the entire legal profession which he represents. It’s truly no wonder with people like that in the legal world that so many victims are too terrified to report abuse to the police and hence too many offences still go unreported, leaving predators completely free to re-offend over and over again.

Am I scared of my abusers intimidation & threats? NO

Am I scared that he will do this again to other women? YES …….(in fact since writing my first blog I have already been informed that he has moved on to yet another woman – this time it’s Jayne in London, who also has an 11 year old son. I’m still trying to work out why he ALWAYS goes for women with young boys??!)

I can’t change what happened to me, but I can hopefully help prevent it happening to other people, so if I go down then I will sure as hell go down fighting. Fighting for justice, fighting for the protection of other women and for the next generation (his children & mine) and fighting for what I know to my core is right.

This experience has changed me. For better or for worse?, I am yet to see long term. I would have hoped to have healed by now…I haven’t 😢. The longer the pain goes on for the deeper I understand how emotionally damaged I was by this man.

Any trust I have within me has been destroyed, BUT… that has taught me to fully embrace myself as a single woman.

It has brought a greater awareness within me that it’s not just children, the naive or vulnerable people that this happens to, it’s anyone. And it’s made me want to fight for the protection and justice of others. If I can prevent just one person from going through what I have by sharing my story then I know something positive has come from this and that it was the right thing to do, no matter how painful.

I no longer felt I could face the world in the public capacity that my job required, I could have just given up and claimed benefits…I didn’t. Instead I decided to take a year out to fully heal and look after myself for a while. I took my son out of school for a year so we could travel the world and spend some quality family together. This trip would never have come to fruition if it wasn’t for my experience of grooming. I am still overly cautious wherever I am, my normally chatty & open self is not interested in engaging strangers and fellow travellers in conversation as I normally would, but I am still working on myself and still healing. I am hoping that given time my barriers may come down again and I may be able to fully embrace the world as we travel it.

For now though, I am cocooned in love and support from family & friends near and far and for that alone I am still truly blessed.

Go to the blog here

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The shocking truth about Tinder! It’s more than just a Hook-Up app!

Dating Apps and Websites-What can you expect?

For those that have never explored the world of online dating it can appear like a cattle market and certain online dating sites seem to hold more Kudos as ‘better’ than others.

After the break up of the relationship with my children’s father and after waiting over 2 years before feeling in a better place to try again with someone new, I thought I’d give online dating a try. I was a single mum with 2 children, the youngest less than 2 years old and I was back at work part time as a teacher, which has a lot more hours than most think.

It seemed like an ideal way to start communicating with the other sex again. It would afford me the opportunity to have 10 minutes here and there  to scan over a few profiles and see if anyone sparked an interest, whilst not investing too much of my valuable free time and limited funds on dates with people I could have nothing in common with (should I magically find someone to go on a date with, being a single mum with 2 kids, 100% of the time the ordinary way that is). This way, I could interact with others myself, or chat with those that messaged me and this phase could last for as short or long as I wanted, dependent on how the banter was flowing and how our interests/views/values/morals matched. This bit was very important to me. I absolutely wanted to know that there was potential longevity through having a fairly lengthy communication period before I took the step to meet someone in person.

I know what I’m like as a person. I haven’t fallen in love many times in my life but, when I do, I fall fast and I fall hard-my relationships have all been long term. I have the opposite of an Attachment Disorder; I get attached to people very quickly-there is nothing I can do about this and it’s not just in romantic situations. New friends too, if I get on with someone, I will do anything I can to help them out. My close friends know they can rely on me. I believe there are some that I don’t know that well that will say the same. I have a strange and overwhelming sense of loyalty to people I’m ‘in a relationship with’. I’ll always give 100%. Do I let this show in romantic relationships from the get go? No, not at all. I would nearly always wait for the other person to show their hand first before I would reciprocate that knowledge.

Having a slightly detached way of getting to know someone in the first instance was good for me. It allowed me to be less attached before taking the next step.

The first dating website I tried was Guardian Soulmates. It seemed to have the most credibility. Each month I tried a new one. I wanted to get a feel of them and the kind of people using them. E Harmony, Match, Elite Singles, I tried them all and very quickly realised that, most of the faces were the same, on every site. A neighbour was also looking to date again so together, we tried a new website attached to Facebook-this one was Zoosk. It was the first website that seemed to make sense. I paid a month subscription and quickly started chatting with some nice guys. A few weeks in and A LOT of cheesy chat-up lines later, someone was pushing to meet up. I have to say I wasn’t feeling it from his pictures, nor his profile really. I’m not a looks person but there has to be ‘something’. Eight weeks later and after laughing a lot over jokes and shared stories I gave myself a kick and said ‘if he makes you laugh that much, it’s got to be worth meeting up’. It was the first date I ever agreed to. A few weeks later, he drove from Sussex to Kent and I met him for lunch. As I walked down the high street, I chanted to myself ‘please let there be a spark’. I walked up behind him as he stood outside our agreed meeting place, tapped him on the shoulder and said ‘Hello Mr P’. He turned around and instantly I knew the spark was there. We talked for over two hours before ordering lunch and it was over two and half years later that we said goodbye due to circumstances beyond our control. We still chat from time to time though.

A year on, I thought it was time to venture into something new. I went straight back to Zoosk. There were some new faces, A LOT of old faces and I quickly had lots of messages. I never went on any dates arranged from that month’s subscription but I am still friends with three guys I got on really well with.

Tinder had just hit my radar. I was hearing mixed reviews. Some said it was a Hook-Up app, others said it had moved past these initial reviews. There were also friends and friends-of-friends that were in long term relationships, or even married, from this website. I decided to take a look. It was easy to set up on my mobile through Facebook. I set some parameters-distance and age then started to swipe. I quickly noticed the same old faces from all the other websites! Also there were people I know that work in the police and friends from FB, and the profiles also showed if you had mutual friends on FB so you could go and ask questions about what they were really like first. The guys I had made friends with from Zoosk were also on there and so was Mr P. There was plenty of space for a decent sized written profile and many people specified what it was they were looking for. Some men with a headless profile picture or poster picture, admitted to being married and only looking for fun. Other profiles stated they were only looking for friendship being new in the area and others that were looking for something more meaningful.

I went back and ensured this too was really clear on my profile.

I didn’t match with many on Tinder. I wasn’t a serial swiper, and very picky about who I swiped right on. I only matched with probably 15/20 people over the period of four months. I stayed chatting with around five of them-the others, the banter wasn’t there or it was very quickly apparent that we had nothing in common. I went on three dates-one was grim. The other two were lovely and I had, as always got to know them for a while before we met in person. I’m still in touch with one. Then I matched with ‘Antony Ray’ my Catfish, BUT, there are some really nice people on Tinder. It gets a bad rap.

The understanding of what a real Hook-Up App is, is very misunderstood. Researching over the last few months I’ve seen some that would count as real ones and pornographic isn’t the word.

I was sacked from my job when I went public with my story to promote my petition. You can sign here . I was told I had “bought the school into disrepute”. The Head Teacher sat there and looked at me in disgust as she said “It said you met on Tinder. It mentioned the word sex”. She was one of those that judged without knowing anything. But don’t take my word for it -read this great article about Tinder by Antonio Borrello, PhD. I couldn’t have said it better myself!

Read his post here

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The Personal Catfish

What is a Personal Catfish?

It seems these Catfish are the lesser known of their type in the UK, as financial fraudsters using Catfishing as a platform for their ill gotten gains, get much more press space and in some cases can be prosecuted if the sums of money are large enough under the Fraud Act 2006. Most warnings on dating websites and other are geared towards these financial fraudsters and their tactics but who is to say that the hurt and after math of a Personal Catfish is any less devastating? Despite this imbalance, the name Catfish came from these very same personal online romance scam Catfish. They can still be sub divided.

Unlike the Catfish of the financial fraud world, these catfish have a more ‘personal’ motive for doing what they do.

The grooming technique is the same for all Catfish, however some may be more experienced and efficient at it.

The Personal Catfish

It would be hard to believe that most people have not come across the term Catfish by now but where did this term come from? You can find out on my What is a ‘Catfish’? post. I’m sure there are many more categories but for the purpose here I’m subdividing into these:

  • self esteem
  • revenge
  • jokes
  • cyber sex
  • the offline Personal Catfish

Nev’s show has exposed some of these categories.

Self Esteem

As has been seen in numerous episodes of  ‘Catfish’, one of the motivators of hiding behind a fake profile and identity is the self esteem issues of the Catfish. Often, these individuals feel they are not worthy of having a relationship with ‘someone as handsome/beautiful’ as their target. They do not have the confidence to approach someone in person. So, they fulfil their fantasies online as someone else. Most of the time when uncovered, they can see the hurt they have caused, stringing out their target for years sometimes, making excuses as to why they can’t meet but hoping the romance can remain. Sometimes real feelings are reciprocated on both sides but in the main, the deceit, lies and broken trust means that the ‘relationship’ is over.

Revenge

These are nasty. Aiming at specific targets, these Catfish are only interested in one thing. Their purpose is to bestow hurt and humiliation on someone they feel has done them a wrong first. Maybe it was rejection in the relationship, maybe it is a family member or close friend that feels they have been betrayed in the past.

Jokes

As above, this form of Catfishing is equally nasty. Maybe known or unknown to the target, some individuals are simply bored and use this behaviour as a form of amusement and entertainment. Other people’s hurt doesn’t feature in their social skill set and they don’t see what they are doing as a problem. It’s just a bit of fun right? No it’s not.

Cyber Sex

This is where our Personal Catfish are upping the ante.

Using the same grooming techniques and love bombing, these Catfish may simply be miscreant versions of the revenge or joke Catfish, asking for intimate pictures/videos as part of the ‘joke’ which will add to the humiliation when the duping is exposed and worse as leverage for part of their game.  However, some set out to use this added level of  reprehensible behaviour as a way of getting their own needs met. Much like the behaviour of a paedophile who uses a fake profile to lure children into sexually explicit situations, these Catfish are after their own ‘gallery’ of images/videos from unsuspecting women/men.

Creating an online relationship gives an added level of power and excitement for the Catfish against simply looking at published pictures as they get to control and manipulate the target to ‘perform’ at their will under the guise of a relationship. Only if these pictures or videos are published online by the Catfish would our current legal system potentially prosecute under ‘revenge porn’ legislation. You can read about this here. If they simply ghost you when they have done with you or you find them out to be a fraud, the legal system will not touch them.

This kind of online emotional and or sexual abuse is not OK. Someone who sets up a fake profile with the intent to abuse and cause repeated emotional harm which may lead to physical harm is a bully. You can read more at the comprehensive Cyberbullying Research Centre  site here.

The offline Personal Catfish

So here is mine. Potentially the ‘new breed’ of Catfish? This one dares to come out of the ‘water’ to pursue his fictional relationship in the flesh.

After building trust over a period of time (if that’s what they read the situation as needing with that particular target) and using the love bombing technique to get you hooked and attached, these Personal Catfish make the move to meet face to face. Setting expectations of patterns as far as work time and parental responsibilities, also came in these early stages. With most of his targets, ours had a tried and tested plan of getting ‘you to to invite him’ for coffee as an initial meeting. This was something several of us experienced from him. Under the cover of their ‘fake identity’ this Catfish type behaves in the way any other person starting a relationship may do (as is the preference of life style to that particular couple). The cover of a job that takes them away regularly is usual it seems, so they can be in multiple relationships at once.

Whether the Catfish themself is actually single or married, one thing is for sure, any promises they make you, about wanting a committed, longterm and loving relationship are lies. Their only motive for doing this is to lull you into a false sense of security about them so that they have control over you to get what they want.

My offline personal Catfish had the intention of sticking around for a while. He wasn’t interested in creating this fantasy life for one night stands. He wanted the ‘illusion of the relationship’ he said he wanted as his fake self. That way he got the best from me/us. It also meant he had to be thorough and clever in creating his back story and have things to make his fake life seem real to us.

Not only did my Catfish have a fake Face Book account, which had a network of friends within it and was used to portray things he spoke about in his fake life i.e likes for business, music, tv shows he wanted you to think he liked the same as you (all part of the grooming process), he also had fake emails, Skype accounts and several other Social media platforms to back up his fake identity. He also had a dedicated phone for his alias. Were his actions premeditated? In every way. Did his life seem real? Very much. But he had been doing this for over a decade with this alias. He was very experienced in his execution and had evolved his practise over time. His real job meant he was away from his wife and family all week in London, only returning at weekends where even then he did have periods of time in Europe as he claimed he did regularly under his alias.

Mine also used ‘sob stories’ with all of us. He constantly had you feeling sorry for him. This was all part of the emotional manipulation. It meant we didn’t add to his stressful situation and portrayal of a good man going through difficult times.

What does this say about the person behind the Catfish?

Who is worse? I’m not deliberating on the outcome for the victim here, as financial fraud catfish victims will have 2 lots of trauma to deal with in their scenario (emotional and potentially large sums financially),  but the type of person that decides to ‘Catfish’? The catfish themselves can literally be anyone. Married, single, male or female posing as anyone they wish to be.

The financial fraudsters of the African scams (and similar) are doing this because they live such deprived lives, they see ‘Westerners’ as rich and privileged. I’m not making excuses, it’s wrong full stop but just observing the back grounds.  The Personal Catfish isn’t seeking money as their motivation. They are not all ‘Walter Mitty’ type characters, they can have it all, and simply exploit vulnerable people because they think it’s their right and they want more. Yet the law will only prosecute financial fraud. It’s one to think about.

Shockingly, there is virtually no research into the emotional impact on non-financial loss victims in these scenarios (particularly those that have been exploited for sexual use). Maybe with the help of those that have had similar non-financial loss experiences, we can start to do our own as a way to force the hand of the justice system to act on both counts?